The day I broke the silence

Today it is the Orange Day, it is UN:s International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. I thought I should write today, and even if we all should help to break the silence, and help the person if we ever found out that their being abused (in any way), the truth is that often we stand alone. I wanted to write about that day, The day I broke the silence.

It has all luckily started to fade into a blur, but I will try to recall as much as I can remember.

I remember him sitting indoors on his computer for weeks, Outside there was a sunny summer, I remember trying to tell him to go outdoors more, to get some fresh air. Maybe he could do his work in a park ? I remember that he got outside with me, we were supposed to go and meet his friends a few kilometers away, I reminded him of getting outside more often, " I mean look at all the people sitting in the park, there is still summer left" He told me to Shut up ("Why can`t you just shut up.. ?") , and then he walked away, I stayed and looked at him as he got further and further way. I told him that I would go home, he did not listen, he did not notice. He kept on walking and called me later that evening, Where was I ? Why did I not follow him ? He had not even noticed that I was gone. That same evening I got a call from the other camp leaders for the disabled. We gathered at a park nearby, I was happy, I did not feel alone. And there was that situation with the fence and my bruised up leg that almost led me into tears. It was that feeling of being noticed. You can read more about that in my post `Be Kind`.

The day after there was a party at his friends house and a week after that there was another. He was drunk and was drawn into his shell, he did not talk, I felt invisible. Once again there were all the other couples talking and holding each other, laughing. Every time at these parties I wished that I had that, that he had seen me, flirted with me even, I told him, he thought it was ridiculous.

As I had started to do to "get away" I think, but however mostly managed to avoid, I took a few too many, I got sick, realized that immediately and laid on he bathroom floor, I got out and got hit in the head by his friend for being so careless. He did not care. We went home and as we reached our street he told be that he needed to go and think, he walked away. At the same time his friend, who just had hit my head called me and told me to get back, she did not mean what she did, I told her that he had walked away to think, she had known him for many years and told me not to care when he does that, just come back. But it was late. very late, almost morning. So I went home. I woke up around noon, I felt embarrassed, for being hit, for getting sick. How had I become this person? I messaged with a few of his friends, apologizing, I cried, I could not hold back the tears anymore. Where was my life going? I was alone and I needed someone to be there, he laid in bed, got up a few times and went back, it was like I was invisible.

As noon turned into afternoon he kept on ignoring me, I was still sitting there on that red sofa, thinking where my life had gone, this was it, our relationship, and it had been for so long, it would never change. He would never change. I felt like I was once and for all turning invisible.

I felt weaker than I had ever felt but from somewhere I found that strength. In my head I said NO, Life is beautiful, I deserve better than this. My knees where shaking but I stood up. That feeling of pushing yourself up for you, when you are on the edge of breaking, of falling somewhere from where no one could ever pick you up again, that feeling I had in that moment, the strength I had to gather, that I will remember and carry with me for a lifetime.

I Broke the Silence.

I told him what he needed to hear, and that I never wanted to see him again, I left our apartment, still shaking, in tears and in chock of what I just had done. I called my friend, she knew what the call was about the moment she heard me, I went to her place, I called my parents, I could hear dads relief. The day after that, I went back to my hometown to work, I called him to look for his own place (since luckily the apartment was in my name), he was in no hurry, I had to do it for him, He suggested that we could still live together for a while (in the little studio), I said no, finally he moved away.

Everyday I am thankful for that one single moment, a decision that changed the coarse of my entire life.

I no longer feel invisible, I am here.