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To learn to see all of you with new eyes (self perception after leaving an abusive relationship)


I am sitting here on the floor with a cup of tea in my hands, wiggling my toes. The mirror is right in front om me and my newly washed hair makes me look like a natural Aretha Franklin or a very fluffy Chewbacca, both probably equally as cute.

 It feels quite nice to be able to sit here with myself like this, to just be here, here with me. For a long time I could not. I avoided mirrors, I could not look into her eyes.  The humiliation had made me vulnerable, I felt ashamed, did not want to see her, me, and I also avoided facing the truth, the pain I knew I could see in my eyes.
I want to explain what I meant by "Thank You for Humiliating me, for I have learned to see my own beauty" in my post Thank You.

As I told before, he pushed me into things I did not want to do. As the years went by I fell into silence I stopped having an own opinion or to say it out loud. I accepted that this was the only kind of closeness that I would get, so though it hurt that he treated me that way, I chose to settle. All I wanted was love. On some level I also started to believe that that was all I was worth.

 The constant humiliation and degrading came in many forms; I have been cooking for him (well cutting up an avocado to be exact) at a midsummer's party, walked outside and found him telling and showing all of his friends what he likes to do to me,.. When we met I told him about a lot of my insecurities, he promised that he would never hurt me, always respect me. In a second my heart was broken once again. He took a picture of my strapless shoulder, neck and chin  while I was a sleep and posted it on social media, calling it "weird human angles". His best friends degrading jokes did not make things exactly easier. For a long time I felt like an object. I cried often in the shower, sometimes he ran to comfort me and others to grab me for his own pleasure.  I never knew which one it would be. It did not matter if I had tears in my eyes.

 To be in a towel in our apartment, that which was supposed to be my home, that is where I felt the most uncomfortable. the mirror was the scariest thing. Whenever he saw me like that or dressed up for a party he chose to whistle. He never called me ugly, but he also never called me beautiful,  He never had an normal approach. I felt like an object. I just wished then that he had seen me.

 When I had found my way to Bollywood for that one hour a week I did everything I could to avoid my reflection in the mirrors, ones he asked me to show him my dancing, I felt happy and did and in the same moment he turned it into something else.. I had finally found A piece of me, and just as that, that piece was close to be ripped away.
But now I am sitting here, no longer feeling like an object, because no one should be. I am looking right at her and I am proud of her. I made it out, I picked myself up. I stood up,  broke the silence and said No more. Life Is beautiful.

 Me, beautiful, in my own special way, Me; with my thick sometimes extremely messy hair. Green eyes, uneven hip.  Me; with my clumsiness and bad coordination but who still keeps on dancing and decided to hold on to that piece. Me; who can be here, here with me, laugh from somewhere deep and true and find amusement in my funny ways.  Me;  who now believes and knows deserving better.

 Shame is not easy to rinse away, and for a long time still after that, I avoided my reflection, but by teaching myself to be here with me, to be comfortable with me, trough that I have learned. Shes looking right back at me right now. There are tears in her eyes, in my eyes. I am wiggling my toes again. I am here, They are tears of happiness.

 Be comfortable with you 






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