Roar in the Afterglow

It was not your fault, you are not to blame. For with another open hearted person they would have done just the same. You believed in good, and please always do. There is nothing wrong in loving something we believe to be true. But know this, it is inside of you- that love they told you were missing, they painted void and blue.  You are not lacking- only finding your strength, Never doubt your own pillars my friend.  Shame on those who sweep us off our feet, take us for a dance as they question our knees. There should be no shame in getting in and out of a dance, a rhythm we were shaken to as we tried to stand. True love lets us take all the time we need, it does not leave us feeling guilty for not jumping off our feet. Neither does it pressure, it gives us space to find within us what we need. True love lets us breathe.   -to my friend, a gardener

I wanted to write down something about that feeling, that still catches up with us who have faced trauma, many years down the road, It creeps up whenever we get close. This might be hard to read for someone who is still recovering, I do not mean to make this matter into a joke. But as this comes up so frequently, almost 10 years later, I decided to make this in to a slightly humorous post. Maybe this will open my eyes for all the things that go lost. When PTSD hits me the hardest I struggle to tell which one of my instincts is telling me the truth. Are the Orange socks leading me back towards abuse ? That poster of Metallica, shirts with holes, or green liquor drinks filled with milk..... those frighten me the most. I am sure Metallica is a great band, and that strange art on the wall is not a sign of reckless mood swings. But what if I am wrong, what if this really is a sign.. I am starting to loose it. I want to trust your comforting hugs, not fear that your favorite cerea...

A few years back I wrote about healthy love- and how to know if you found it, I gave an example I use; Empty room, Travelling the world (and life) and your own feeling (do you feel happy ?).  To be able to answer these questions time is needed, unless we of course are thinking of someone who is down right hurtful, and after experiences and self growth we learn (step by step) to let go- and stay away from them..we can read faster...  ....But, all people are not bad (even though I am far too familiar with the fear and worry). There are so many good people out there, they are good- even though they might have some growing to do, they are good- even if they might not be right for us- what we need, and what we deserve. Individual needs do not always match- that is the reality of life. People are not like puzzle pieces.. and it is when we grow and learn to see our own weaknesses and others- that we realize that we have to stop expecting for prince perfect (he is human too). Thro...

I wanted to write down something about turning 26, or getting a year older once again, seemed like an natural squeal to my post 25 from last year. Much has happened, most of which I wrote about here before, so I am going to keep this one short. The biggest lesson, the class I have taken and followed before, but now got even stronger material for, or emotional assurance even, is that I do not have to have all pieces together right away. In fact there are a lot of things I could do or never end up doing and I would still find that most important thing called happiness in each and every day.  There are always certain things we would like to accomplish, before a certain age, before we are too old. But is there really such a thing, and by looking above and beyond these limits, let our own true story unfold. I guess my point is this, your life doesn't have to be according to the book, you can write your own.  There is always new unwritten pages, and only you can decide...

I wanted to write a little about the struggle of giving things time, when taking time to know them and end up pushing them aside. When you believe you should not start before you truly know you like them exactly as they are. As time passes by you might find your feelings for them grow only to realize you missed the boat some time ago. The might have meet someone else while you chose to take it slow.  You might find yourself giving them insight on how you wish things would be,  how the right person would sweep you off your feet,  and actually end up feeling like you given them advice,on how to make an impression on someone else they find nice.   I guess there are those who are ready faster than me. From time to time you wish you could go back to tell your feelings sooner then they appeared,  but that is not possible and after all being friends is what you need,  And yes you care for them so you wish them to grow for how...

It is not easy knowing whether what you found is right, is this love real ? Is this love safe ? How do I truly feel ? It can be difficult to be honest with ourselves. I usually (or well, those few times I get this far) try to ask myself these 3 following questions, and I hope they can help you too; 1.   If all you had was an empty white room, could you sit there with just them, as they are, and would they sit there with you ? Do you love them for them, or for the things that come with ? Do we love them for a hobby that they have. their family or friends, their social status, A high position at a fancy company or the ability to treat us with luxuries ? And how about them, what is it that they love about You, is it You they love ? Would they be enough as they are, would you love them even without all those things? And how about them ? Sometimes there might even be things that come with that we find annoying or that we do not like, or in worst case makes us feel unsafe, ...

I went out hiking this weekend Sometimes when you get out in the nature you remember to think clearly, you stop for a second and get closer to yourself than ever. Watching over the quiet lake reminded me of how thankful I am of my own vulnerability as well as my strength and the fact that I am still standing. I am thankful for no longer being there, in that down-dragging mess that could have been my future, I am thankful that I am here, right here and still breathing, but without the feeling of hopelessness in my chest. As night came, we; that is us scout leaders and some of the kids, did something that I secretly always dream of, we searched out a clearing from the trees where we then laid on our backs to watch over the clearest starry sky. Again I was reminded of how thankful I am to just breathe, even though it some days almost breaks me in to pieces that your not here yet..I started thinking of where you are.. I am thankful for the time that I have to get back in touch wi...

What do I think you should look for in a person ? . . Choose someone who will love you for who you are, who supports you, encourages you and hugs you often. Choose someone you can share your troubles with if you wanted too.  (sometimes we do not want unload on to them all that we are carrying) ... just knowing that you can gives you a feeling of calm.  Choose someone who will love you know matter what size or shape, as long as you are happy, that is all that should matter.  Choose someone who will not laugh At you, but With you.   Choose someone who loves and admires you for your strength. Choose someone who will be there to catch you if you fall.   Choose someone who hold your hand when you need it.  Choose someone who encourages and support you to reach for you dreams.    

Sometimes I wish you were here. Where ever you are. I do not know if I already met you or if I am still about to. How do I find you, and how do I know when I have found you ? Sometimes I meet someone who seems nice and kind, and then I get let down. So how am I supposed to trust again, not be afraid to see the good, trust in it, that it is real and not just for show ? How do I know that what I found is good, and how do I find you ? I miss you. .. Yes.. I miss him, and maybe you should not be allowed to say that, how can you really miss someone that you do not even know ?..Well, all I know is this feeling. That finally found them feeling, that feeling of safety, that feeling of knowing that this is the person you want to take your life's adventures with, that feeling that you do not have to say anything, you could just be. That feeling of laughing to something stupid that only the two of you understand. Seeing them smile.  But here is the other truth.. no matter how much I som...

Sometimes I feel old, old like 40 at 24. I guess it is all that energy I gave away, I am tired, but want more then anything to live again, not necessarily smart (seriously sometimes I doubt my IQ when I can not seem to open a door) but maybe somewhat wise, or wiser than before. I do not do (as many) stupid things, I listen to my gut when I feel that something is or might go wrong, I can leave a party early or drink less without feeling bad about being the "boring one ". I like to go on long walks with a friend, drink tea while sitting by the window, and I save money for travelling to new places, the rest gets saved for the future. I guess I have grown up. At the same time I sometimes miss the feeling that I have never had, of being more care free,  I also sometimes wish that I would be able to let go and live life like it never happened. But you live, and I choose to continuously try to learn from it. Trying to meet men when feeling like an old soul, is not easy. Eve...