Roar in the Afterglow

What does true friendship mean to you ? To me it means that they will dance with you in any room like no one is watching (even though there might be other people around who would roll their eyes, feel second hand embarrassment or share and whisper into the rooms you move through). This dancing is of course a metaphor (but doesn't have to be), it could be referring to opening up, talking deep, listening wholeheartedly to both of your biggest worries or biggest dreams- it does not matter if those around do not think that deep- with me you can be you at any time any place, and I hope I can be that with you too. That is what true friendship means to me. We can laugh out loud or cry if we need to, be  as we are in that moment in time, in good and bad (as long as we work on ourselves, and hold ourselves, and each-other accountable) no-one is left (out of embarrassment) aside. That is a word that true friendship leaves behind.  When I was a child I was often embarrassed of myself, I often

Are you also struggling in social situations when small talk is exchanged ? Do you, like me, feel like a awkwardly jolly firecracker or a burst of rainbows trying to fit in with the beige that the situation seems to require and everyone else seems content with and managing ? I often wonder how it seems to come so easy to others.. -Side note;  I'm lucky to say that through finding myself later in adult life I have found hobbies that fit my personality- and friends who do not look or walk away, but join me in my charades or big deep and sudden topics(and who's brain seems to vividly and unapologetically work the same way). Also, similar to you or not- true friends will adore (and sometimes tolerate) your silly ways.  Its not to say that I can't act plain, I can play the beige card- laugh subtly, not make too much noise, stay calm and only stick to beige topics, like; hows school, hows work, hows the food, was it a long drive.. ? And I can even stay quiet, shove myself aside.

We all self-loath sometimes, and there are many paths to that negative self talk;  - Why are we not "there" in our lives yet - how is it that we are the ones falling behind? Or - Why are we not the kind of person who is always so effortlessly dolled up, smooth skinned or silky wavy haired with eyebrows on point-  it seems so easy for everyone else (also, note to self.. in reality there is no such thing, it takes lots of time and effort..) ?  .. followed by ..well, if it takes effort... Why can't we be the kind of luscious good smelling and glistening perfect human that cares more about this ?  On a daily bases the self-loathing comes as a side dish with the sneaky beauty/physical appearance standard that is fed to us on a daily bases,  - We can also find ourselves self-loathing in form of downtalk and anger towards ourselves for not being good (or the best) at a certain skill/hobby we otherwise would enjoy (why is it sometimes so hard to let go of this thinking even after

 Well the real mark for this 10 year anniversary took place around the 8th of August, but I did not have anything on my mind then/ so let me try this now.  I do not know if the people around me through these past 10 years understand how much they mean to me- how they shaped so many "firsts" for me. Firsts after I freed myself in order to live and breathe freely (despite the fear/distrust I had for what I would end up drawing to myself in this world, and my place in it), firsts after I broke my mental shackles and left him behind.  Most moments- happy and sad, and teaching- I embrace (or at least later reminiscen) with gratitude. I live each day (from the inside out and by taking the outside in) and grow. We are never fully healed (and our traumatic pattern among else puts bumps to the road) but to still be walking ahead is a gift. I am thankful.  Just to Be Here. Growing.  I haven't always been easy to be around (anxiety, panic and a rambling mind/mouth) and I want to apo

I mentioned before what I am currently grateful of, and now I wanted to take you a bit deeper in to one of those things. Dating (getting to know) men as friends.  The main reason I do this is in order to find hope in men again, rise my standards for how men who I let into my life can behave- not lower them.  - I will not rush into anything, but simply give time to get to know good and emotionally and socially mature human beings (* single men over the age of 30- but all good hearted contacts bring be hope in humanity). I want to get to know them and them to get to know me. I want genuine human connection, friendships. Not short sighted flings based on me giving in (putting out). I want relationships, friendships that will last regardless of our status. True friendship (and trust in that person) should not be valued any less even if a romantic relationship (or sex) does not turn out of it.  - On top of that I want to give it time to get to know them (and build that trust). Men can think

Lately I've felt free Free to be me (unapologetically) Free to only settle for the respect that I deserve and need Free to dance like nobody is watching and hope it brings joy to those who do Free to barely drink a sip of alcohol and without worrying who might find that whilst partying pretentious or absurd  Free from worrying of what might be or would have been  Free to release myself from the chains that me and my surroundings had put me in.  Free from the pre-assigned boxes, timeliness and patterns.  Free to simply be happy, Because I this short life- that is the only thing that matters To me, my surrounding I now choose and the beauty called life I want to see. And the wonderful champs who last night had us fill in the club song words with monkey dance and bear growls without a care in the world   <3

To become our own best friend, I've found, is one of the most healing and strengthening skills we can teach ourselves as we walk through our life in this messy world filled with love, pressure, expectations, trauma, learning to put up boundaries, growth, crippling loneliness, chosen solitude, joy for the little things and building new/starting over.  To listen to our own needs (and as we do- listen to and put up our boundaries and how we need them to be for the time being) is what we have to do in order to reach inner happiness and peace. What we need, and what we want and choose to keep out for our own well-being goes hand in hand.  Sometimes we might have to take a break from certain company, from certain activities, maybe change our job or job-pattern, maybe step away from friends who distract our process or demand to much in comparison to what we actually can give. Maybe we need to leave behind those who never valued us at all. Follow your heart, and path to self-respect. Becom

 I wasn't really sure on what to write about, and my head has been quite empty lately but I have decided to give it a go.  I feel bad for feeling good about things right now, yet the upside down state of our current world; ..such as  (...upper management violations against bottom bunk employee rights*, nationwide strikes in the social and healthcare sector (my previous field) due to staff mistreatment, surrounding mental instability and depression leaking in from so many corners, war, climate, internet trolls, closet chauvinists, world hunger, media, propaganda, feeling guilty of probably not caring enough, nuclear threats, higher costs and increasing income gaps..and loneliness and the guiltiness of feeling bad/sad about my loneliness when mother earth is wounded and there is so much bigger reasons for suffering in this world)... ..is driving me over the brink, I have to find something good, I have to allow myself to feel good, happy, even neutral, content (even when I really shou

I wanted to write about people out there, human beings, and the joy it can bring simply to know that they exist. And even if we only got to have them in our lives briefly.  I recently went solo travelling once more, and met inspiring people at the hostel and among the locals as I opened my eyes and let my notion explore. There are those in life I only came to met briefly and those I knew for longer, but who turned into a memory as we no longer (for one reason or another) shared a path. I can, and have learned, to appreciate their gift to the world (and to themselves) in simply being human and growing into becoming who they need. As well as being able to find thankfulness and (if needed) strength, in life´s uplifting simplicity.  - There were the kind hostel workers, mostly young men- still finding their feet, still not knowing where they wanted to be, but thankful for their wonderful community. - There was a girl in the bed above me- the first night she arrived we giggled as I helped h

  We all struggle to see the flaws in in our ways and actions, as that requires us to reach down and pick at the pieces of our fragile tower, our home, ourselves.  But in order to grow in our relationship with others we need to listen to those around us (let them tell us what they need, how we sometimes hurt them, and how they feel). It is not an easy task- but truly listening (with an open heart) brings us closer to understanding one another and it helps wounds and towers broken bricks to heal. It is stronger and more lasting when it knows that it can (and will) face whats real.  Honesty.. and parts of that fragility disappear. Honesty.. we live our lives to the fullest, good, flawed and sincere In life there are many times we need to face ourselves, and this is not the only, growth comes from facing our flaws and then tangling them, slowly;  Perhaps we left our own voices aside, then felt hurt and tired as we had to explain what our boundries where like, we never gave our own needs s