Roar in the Afterglow

I struggled to figure out what to name this post.. The one who waits for something good never waits too long ? Selfless act ? .. But you will gain something in the end ? An act of love for us both ? The thing is he had to fly back home to take care of himself, care I could not provide him with here, damn visa. But it was not just that- I mean he could have gotten some help here- in some way- but he needed more than that. He needed his family, home grounds, familiar things. So on a short notice, after a "hit rock bottom" week he flew. It has been 2 months now. His weather back there has -during this skype connection time- changed from golden leaves and apples to snow, it´s a pretty consistent grey November over here and work keeps me busy as a bee, I am saving up for a future that is still (not yet) to be seen. But I am building the bricks for our future, and mine, busy as a bee can be.  I knew it was for the best, him being there- and not having him here, he is building

I haven't written anything in a while, most because of my mind being so empty (unless you Want me to talk about immigration policies and trying to find a way to a Visa for a Canadian), I feel like I have written about most things by now, well the most important anyway.. but I am sure that I will get some subject twisted out of something old now and again. Anyway, here is one subject I thought about lifting up- that is, why I´m at times am so socially awkward when surrounded by people. Why I can not seem to follow a request, give an answer of my own to a question handed to a group (think game-show tasks, or the scouts or school where I've actually been). This probably has something to do with being HSP and becoming overwhelmed (inside my head mostly) by noises and chaos. Or the obstacle when trying to converse in a foreign yet fluent language. But it is more than that- you see I sometimes struggle to understand. I can not put the sentences together, they are coming out of a

It has sure been a long time since last time but I thought I should give this a go. I left London with my Canadian boyfriend and traveled the UK thanks to National Express and a good pair of runners. I met the in-laws and their family friend through a two week journey of castles, mysterious fog, mountain glens, natural pools, wine, cheese and crackers and a moist sock smell in a crammed up car driving from Glasgow to Skye, around the Hebrides and then after a little Scottish Highland Game rainy mud hill running, landing in Edinburgh. I have walked up to Highland cows, swam in a sea more turquoise then the Caribbean, ate snacks on graveyards, waited for a changed tire at a Outer Hebride scrap-yard, slept in bunk-beds, tried to enter year 1743 through the well used in Outlander, realized I seen way to many castles, had my boyfriend convinced to dress up for a back in time photo-shoot with his mother (who loves Outlander <3) drank rum and coke in Edinburghs hunted dungeons and waved

How are you feeling ? and what gives you that feeling? What pulls you under and what brings you down ? And in comparison what is it in your environment that lets you stay with your feet on the ground ? What is it that makes you crumble, makes you anxious, tired and disoriented everyday, is it something in your work-life; that 8 hours and aftermath that you bring home each day ? If a big part of your life effects you deeply on a negative level it might be time for a change. For a long time I've searched myself- and always thought that for a for-filling life it is a successful career that counts, a title, a degree- the way it looks on LinkedIn or what other people- especially those who thought they knew me- think and see;   "- I did not know she had that in her- but look at her now"  "- Wow- she really made something of herself- she is climbing that ladder higher than I thought". But this searching process and finding oneself is really-truly about

It is good to argue sometimes, both in order to clear the air and get into a better place with each-other, but also to know that there is safety- a net that will catch you even if you let those mental frying pans fly. And no- we aren't arguing right now (It may sound corny but I am the happiest I've ever been... so far). But we had, and have had (coming and going) some.. expression.. some more necessary than others. We all have our monsters in the closet.. that eventually will need to come out and throw cookies and tantrums..and as adults, eventually calm down to a more understandable pace- And we both need to be there for one another when the cookies come out.. even if it for a while would make us want to throw our own cookies against theirs. What I have learned- through not only my relationships and dating life- but also through family and friends, is that a relationship can become stronger once the insecurities are let out in to the open (that is if we both agree to sup

Yes I decided to write one of these again (mostly just to get my writing back going). Also just realised that I skipped last years 27.  About a year has passed since I stood (just like today) by the window in my living room- with something edible in my hand.. just as now (I´m quite sure). I was stressed about the present-the uncertainty- of how things may seem to others- and how that made me see me. Trial and error.. unknown pieces and where they would lead. Fear of taking a wrong step- or find myself standing at the same place..  .....sometimes a month or two of downtime or even "wrong choises" can seem like they define you- your future and cut away all that could of lied ahead.. but this is not the case... What I am trying to say is to see the bigger picture- how much life can (and it does) change one year ahead. Take time to breathe and remember that even that wrong step or failure could in the end (how strange it might seem) lead you to the place where you wanted

stop the growth, stop the blossom, as someone might eat them, tear them apart. something I learned, as I let them grow too far, there were lilies appearing, so sensitive and bright, sticks would be better, and less vulnerable- right ? Once they roamed my garden, I guess I made it too inviting. My garden, me. Stop the blossom, stop me. Do not let me breathe and florish free. That is not how I want my life to be.

It was not your fault, you are not to blame. For with another open hearted person they would have done just the same. You believed in good, and please always do. There is nothing wrong in loving something we believe to be true. But know this, it is inside of you- that love they told you were missing, they painted void and blue.  You are not lacking- only finding your strength, Never doubt your own pillars my friend.  Shame on those who sweep us off our feet, take us for a dance as they question our knees. There should be no shame in getting in and out of a dance, a rhythm we were shaken to as we tried to stand. True love lets us take all the time we need, it does not leave us feeling guilty for not jumping off our feet. Neither does it pressure, it gives us space to find within us what we need. True love lets us breathe.   -to my friend, a gardener

So I haven´t written in a while and I do not know exactly why, as my brain has mostly been on rest as I am living a slow lifestyle (financially.. most of the week) while waiting for Brexit, hiding in the shadows. (can anyone relate ?) I guess I am waking up from a blurry mind caused by standstill. Anyway.. let´s crack a nut or two (or blow some wind in those sails.. as the image of that as a metaphor for what I am about to say popped in to my head.. be your own captain.. and Zeus) Be real when dating, even on that first date (or app). Friendship, kindness and shared values first. That is a fact. Once upon a time there was a young lady who was tired of the endless "so what do you do for a living and travel related questions" when all she wanted to know was whether a mismatched pair of socks would cause them; anger, embarrassment or laughter from within. She tried a question like this on those glorious apps.. went on dates and found out that there was no hope of future

When acceptance of harm towards the young you in your close circle caused you pain- and then affected your behaviour and led you in harms way. I want to get better- so I healed as I walked away. Please do not make me feel guilty for trying to find my way. A poem: In a thousand pieces But you refuse to understand In a thousand pieces Find a foreign land In a thousand pieces, Yet slowly the pieces are finding back their place, I always hoped it would happen someday Still healing the shatters but I have to return, You don't understand why I can not run towards the burn. I am healing yet trying to live, happily, somehow. I take my steps with caution, Please try to understand. No guilt, no laugh. I want to be home- somehow.