Roar in the Afterglow

This is a post about what I deserve, what I don´t deserve and why I left an engagement ring behind at nearly 30 (yes, the one in his sock-drawer at his parents house) and how that decision was never made out of anger but out of love. I am not afraid to learn and grow, neither within a relationship or on my own, But relationship requires teamwork, Capability to look beyond ourselves, See our impact from the eyes of someone else, For pain we cause we do not run or look away, we deal with it and listen to the words they have to say. It is hard, I know, it is called growing pain. Love is much more then a dance under the stars,  it is measured when the growing pain starts, it will happen once in a while,  But love grows stronger through empathetic communication, each and every time.  We are all human, and h ave our ways effecting the ride.  I t is building trust that gets us through the tide. I deserve a teammate beyond all else, so without it I can let go of the milestone ” engaged

I recently wrote a few posts about life choices we make (and how they should be based on the knowledge of ourselves). I am a wanderer soul too- and I will never deny that from being true. I also wrote about how (once made the choice to enter a relationship) a personality/lifestyle with wandering needs, or those with regular impulsive unconventional behaviour and anxious choices caused by #adhd, requires strong emotional commitment to their life partner and empathetic communication (including the way we express our needs). By doing this our partner can trust us in our intentions and on our ventures and is not left with the feeling that we walk away from them but that we walk back to our inner selves. Partners (like I used to be) also need to try to listen and understand, work with their own anxiety. Team work starts with figuring out ourselves (our traits, needs, reactions, possible projection of past pain and our communication pattern), it is an essential corner stone for building the

  Projection; - a lot of unresolved anxiety Dating in London;  - "I wish you looked more like home to me, I wish we had more shared similarities."  I feel hurt as this is all you see. I continue (heart-brokenly) to be me. Anxiety builds as you realize you can not make me into what you need, your bad head-space falls all over me. You knew that this strange dark state of yours comes once in a moon, "-If I did not fill your needs you will have to look for someone new. " These flashes of darkness were still a foggy mystery to you, Resolving communication never happened, as you could not quite put your finger on its roots.  It was somewhere there projecting this built up pain in you, I felt heartbroken, abandoned, and struggled to listen to your poorly communicated truth. We both projected our inner pain and it spiraled like the flue.  Communication;   - recalled conversations,  Visiting in Montreal; Me ;   - Can I meet you friends ? Him : - I do not think they have

I previously wrote about making life choices and the importance of staying true to ourselves when making them and choosing our path. But no matter how much these bigger choices (like changing career or moving to another country) and smaller ventures (that will be mentioned here) lay on our mind ready to take action, there is something to consider once we make the concious big choice to enter a relationship; - our partner. Our now most important commitment of all.  We all go through moments in a relationship where we need time to go out and venture to for-fill ourselves and our own wants and needs and where our partner might momentarily be physically left aside, wether it is going travelling on our own, going on a night out with our single friends, leaving for a longer job gig abroad, or (as my ex had) spending alone time hiking and camping in the same tent as a friend of the opposite sex. Sometimes we need to get away and take a breather, other times it is simply part of our personal n

You, you should always make your life choices for you, set a standard for your own boots. If you are choosing a path (like a career, a hobby, living arrangment, lifestyle, entering a relationship, marriage or having children) to prove a point to others, to make them proud, to reach their set goals and standards, to receive appreciation, you are choosing their path, standards and frame, and the life that comes with it.  You might never really fit in it.  Always feeling unhappy with yourself as there are uneven boots to fill. You are (maybe for a lifetime) blowing air into the wrong sails. Working hard to reach a goal that was theirs.   Do not skip your own heartbeat and settle in the frames of others. By doing that you are putting yourself aside. Abandoning that inner truly contempt smile. And make sure that you are truly ready for what you then decide.  Do not create a life you still secretly want to run away from, do not bring others pain. Live your life honestly, but most importantly

I wanted to stop myself for a second, write down about the life I want and strive to work for, I am sure I have written about this in the past but once in a while it is good to take a rein-check.  If you want to read about the feelings I want to carry in that life/or with someone you can read  about that here:    When I get back home     The True Career and how to find your place as a HSP, What do I want ?   But this post is more about the practical steps and decisions, as in when, were and how ? And what about money and career.  First of all I have a long time ago realized that the 9-5 and weekends off, plus occasional trips to the Spain when a bit of culture, sun and pool is needed, is not for me.  I am longing for the unconventional. The out of the box, the unknown. Life is too short, the world is too remarkable and you are too precious to confide to a life of 'stay put because what if in 20 years..' I choose to turn around the worry this way.. if your heart desires to explo

This will be a short one, You can find more (and on having anxiety and being hsp/empath) under  why I don´t slam doors and my own wellbeing I try to understand you and my own effect on you so that I can support you as a friend, forgive you as a partner, and paint a truthful picture in my heart and head. That leads me to the part where I do it for me, my well-being, my view on us and outlook towards the future people I may meet- I try to understand you (and me) so that I can see you and us as we were and are, but erase the possible monster that I see when things get dark, I try to shine in the light that´s all. I can heal the fearful doubt for others that arises in me, to not paint them over so relentlessly. They deserve that just as much as you and me. 

Looking within ourselves, internalizing our flaws and learning from them (and doing so throughout life- being human is a constant process) can hurt, we can feel shame, embarrassment, and like we are a hopeless case in the eyes of others.  With my own anxiety, overthinking, over-fixing, over-talking, over-dwelling, I am more than familiar with having to take a look at myself and go through the pain of self-evaluation.  Do it with love, and empathy.  Talk to yourself like a humble friend, but ask for growth.  And stop expecting perfection from yourself, learn to live and love yourself as an imperfect constantly evolving being. Life is not black and white. It is a grey-zone full of possibilities to fuck up in smaller and bigger ways. But learn how to face them and try to change them for the better, with warmth and acceptance. Do not be afraid of yourself, your flaws or your anxieties.  Vulnerability is the most important skills in finding our true authentic selves and from there the coura

They told me to stop angering it (your otherwise closed up mood) but it turns out that it was excactly what was needed for us to get to its roots. You bottled up all the pain, never let them hear it.. just went along with anything that made you grind your teeth, you never spoke up about how the world and words around you makes you feel- not even to me... before it was all bottled up and rolled out in hopeless frustration and anxiety.. will you ever be heard for what you need, can anyone understand how painful the daily rejection feels ? But you bottled up, went along. Even if it made you gringe just to be forced to listen to the radio.. ADD childhood/school trauma triggering sounds go on.  Let them know, and just how hurtful it makes you feel, and let them know about the triggering pain caused by RSD.  They can not know what they can not see. Same goes for any feeling of not beeing heard or seen, explain how it hurts if you feel like an action or comment is mean. I promise you, no one

It all makes so much sense now,  The fear of failure and rejection, The fear of trying, throw the towel in The anger, the impulsivity, the anxious control. The demand to have others fit your likes and needs, The hiding, the running from reality  The need to be understood for the life that comes with your anxious ADD I've hidden it a bit out of respect, but   please read  what this RSD in our relationship meant. 

  You are not a monster, so let's call it by its name. How a defensive response  to perceived or felt rejection, or felt failure,  is sent out to cause pain. And how partly untreated Anxiety and ADD can cause things to derail, they are all related, but I believe you can work to break the chain. ---------------------- You have a good heart, lets start of with that. Remember my depressive days and the long walks we had, how you waited on me for an hour in the forest when I was too distracted and did not care enough to show up when we had planned ? I took you for granted and you gave me your time. You showed me kindness, never told me to hide, I felt like I mattered, I knew that you cared, that is how I fell in love with you- you were always there. Countless long nights waiting as I closed the pub, you really needed to rest, but I asked you to come, you came even if the noise and crowds made you numb. You really do know how to treat someone you love. In

A little story; -But first read a  A perfect match He laughed at her joke, her hilarious ways for self-expression always made him smile. They shared adventures far away, hilly roads, broke down buses, odd local foods and sheep on the way, and right in their livingroom- a sofa had to be assembled for movie and pizza nights, the herbs they followed each morning grew taler. The neighbour next door was playing the 12 am bassoon, so they got up and danced as there was nothing else they could do. He loved her spontaneous ways, she loved how he looked at her when she acted this way. All these crazy stories they could tell their children some day, even as they grew older these moments never ended, they stayed just the same. He loved her for the brightness in her face when she did that which made her happy, it was not his cup of tea, honestly he could not always understand it, but he could appreciate the joy it brought her. He was thankful that she had found herself, he would always support her

  So what are my problems (still to this day)? *continense to my previous post about taking responsibility and ownership  As I have written here before I suffer from strong anxiety waves that I have gotten to know and acknowledge over the past 8 years, ever since my self-discovery began. The anxiety waves that sometimes lead into a feeling of panic are mostly physical and pass in a few minutes, to often return again and so that goes on for a while until my mind or body has found its calm. Heavy, head, pounding heart, throat closing up, sweating, feeling like I am in danger and should run even though I might be looking at a family of ducks on a pretty calm lake while eating an ice-cream. I am no longer afraid or ashamed of them and happy to talk about that if anyone is interested or would like to share about their own experience. I am also about to meet with a doctor to discover whether or not I have an anxiety/panic-disorder, would be interesting and informative to get an answer.  I do