Roar in the Afterglow

I mentioned before what I am currently grateful of, and now I wanted to take you a bit deeper in to one of those things. Dating (getting to know) men as friends.  The main reason I do this is in order to find hope in men again, rise my standards for how men who I let into my life can behave- not lower them.  - I will not rush into anything, but simply give time to get to know good and emotionally and socially mature human beings (* single men over the age of 30- but all good-hearted contacts bring be hope in humanity). I want to get to know them and them to get to know me. I want genuine human connection, friendships. Not short sighted flings based on me giving in (putting out). I want relationships, friendships that will last regardless of our status. True friendship (and trust in that person) should not be valued any less even if a romantic relationship (or sex) does not turn out of it.  - On top of that I want to give it time to get to know them (and build that trust)....

  We all struggle to see the flaws in in our ways and actions, as that requires us to reach down and pick at the pieces of our fragile tower, our home, ourselves.  But in order to grow in our relationship with others we need to listen to those around us (let them tell us what they need, how we sometimes hurt them, and how they feel). It is not an easy task- but truly listening (with an open heart) brings us closer to understanding one another and it helps wounds and towers broken bricks to heal. It is stronger and more lasting when it knows that it can (and will) face what is real.  Honesty.. and parts of that fragility disappear. Honesty.. we live our lives to the fullest, good, flawed and sincere. In life there are many times we need to face ourselves, and this is not the only, growth comes from facing our flaws and then tangling them, slowly;  Perhaps we left our own voices aside, then felt hurt and tired as we had to explain what our boundaries where like, we nev...

  So what are my struggles (still to this day)? *continence to my previous post about taking ownership  As I have written here before I struggle with strong anxiety waves that I have had gotten to know and acknowledge over the past 8 years, ever since my self-discovery began. The anxiety waves that sometimes lead into a feeling of panic are mostly physical and pass in a few minutes, to often return again and so that goes on for a while until my mind or body has found its calm. Heavy, head, pounding heart, throat closing up, sweating, feeling like I am in danger and should run even though I might be looking at a family of ducks on a pretty calm lake while eating an ice-cream. I am no longer afraid or ashamed of them and happy to talk about that if anyone is interested or would like to share about their own experience. With my newly diagnosed anxiety disorder I got offered a low dosage of SSRI medication (as mentioned in a previous post). It will take some time for them to truly...

Follow kindness,  it really is that simple.  sometimes when you're captured by the mess of usual choices they are standing right there, you only start to notice them when you step out and see it clear.  a space to breathe was the first, joy was the second, now I'm gratefully dancing and tapping my feet, you ask me if I'm cold and how many movements I can do to this beat.  Endless I tell you, you see kindness was the key, It lifted me up to where I deserve to be.  - to my dads golden advice- 

In the world of dating are you also one who "tries too hard" give's a 110% and is always understanding ? Even to the point that the offers you make of "staying around" or adapting to their busy lifestyle and priorities, as well as your mental " If I just"- and "As long as I do not"-battle, are taking over all the good sides of you, your sanity, well-being, life.. The sparkly, freely-breathing and life-exploring human-being that you are ? Do you get sucked in and stuck by your own will-power and hope for them to change ? It is okey to give it your all, do not ever feel bad for that. .... but when you start to feel yourself hitting the walls of the box of a person who has clearly barricaded themselves in (and you are stuck in the thought of helping them find their way out, desperately trying to let some sunlight in..) Know when to leave- it is not your box to crack open, you have the whole world to enjoy and one life to enjoy it in. Do ...

He asked me what I want, so here it is; I want giggles, maybe on a rooftop. Because out in the open with the stars right above me I can breathe. I want a sudden Irish pub, a band, my excitement- from my heart to my feet. I want that cheers and long nights, unforgettable moments, that are shared with friends. I want you right there beside me, time and time again. I want a spontanious coffee or a street-food stroll. I want comedy night or a song that without walking into that place- that exact time- neither of us would have ever known. I want to know you- you in real life, outside four consistent walls. I want to explore this life with you, without you, find the ground for my feet.The one big thing here is, that I never again want to miss a beat. Take away, Netflix, convinient hours and chill- a protentious dinner at an uncomfortably protentious restaurant is not my thing. I need true effort, on a personal level- then and only then will my heart and mind truly say ´pling...

I'm the girl who dreams of flowers, but hopes for a text back. I'm the girl who's face lights up when hearing "maybe", but wishes so dearly that you would run for her through the airport tracks. I'm the girl who leaves a message so you could hear my voice, but almost never dares to ask you for a call (no pushing), it should be a simple choice. And when you then later text me, something short, funny, well we are back on the same track. I'm the girl who would run a mile, just to see the smile on your face, I'm the girl who hopes that one day you would feel that way I'm the girl who is used to hear you thinking, "isn't it all one and the same ?" I'm the girl who's learnt the difference between daydreams and reality, but really- this cutting it short, it is a shame. ' I'm the girl who allows herself to hope that one day you'll suddenly cross the threshold to the bar, but I'm also the girl who knows- the...

One of the most valuable lessons in life is that no one else will be your knight in shining armor (or Wonder Woman or Xena). In life, you ride your own white horse. And that said; you are the key to your own happiness. So don`t wait. And do not lay the expectation on someone else. You can take your own adventures, today (okey maybe not today but like when you get annual leave). An you can buy your own flowers. You can comfort And I am not denying the fact that it would be nice to one day have someone to do some of that for you. But until then. Don't wait, and even then. You are, and will always be, your own knight Here are my weekly £2.00 flowers, celebrate your life

As a child we could do unsuccessful cart wheels followed by a smiling grin,  we did not think much of what they thought, no worries rolling in. Until teenage life put on its spin. "You're great but.."over and over started following a few years later, No wonder we now set out to break our own heart, no wonder we diminish ourselves in advance. "I'm a bit crazy, and I'm not that smart, and clumsy.. yeah you saw that from far." Nervous laughter, and on the inside we are thinking.. we ruined this from the start. This is how we break our own heart. But what if we could sit in that swing again, smile with a grin all the way through and till the end. No worry or embarrassment of what we would have raised in their thoughts. just us, as ourselves, and the right people will never be lost. Unbreak your heart.

A few years back I wrote about healthy love- and how to know if you found it, I gave an example I use; Empty room, Travelling the world (and life) and your own feeling (do you feel happy ?).  To be able to answer these questions time is needed, unless we of course are thinking of someone who is down right hurtful, and after experiences and self growth we learn (step by step) to let go- and stay away from them..we can read faster...  ....But, all people are not bad (even though I am far too familiar with the fear and worry). There are so many good people out there, they are good- even though they might have some growing to do, they are good- even if they might not be right for us- what we need, and what we deserve. Individual needs do not always match- that is the reality of life. People are not like puzzle pieces.. and it is when we grow and learn to see our own weaknesses and others- that we realize that we have to stop expecting for prince perfect (he is human too). Thro...

I wanted to write about something I mentioned in my blog post about anxious caring.  As someone living with anxiety and being highly emotional, I know how intense social situations can feel. How much we want to get our message out, reach the other person, say the right thing, worry about what to say, say too fast and too much and then worry about fixing that straight after. I know the chaos that hits our head, the intense feeling of what if they slip away forever and they never got to hear this, what if our bond breaks when it could have been even more understanding and accepting- just because these caring thoughts did not pass between our walls. What if they are shutting down and in the mindset that its not okay to share your darkest thoughts, what if they are alone in there ? What if they are falling, what if I could reach them ? If I care about them, I will always try.  But.. here is one of the main problems.. you see in this panic that the anxiety raises, we.. or at le...

I wanted to tell you a secret, a problem I had for long, a problem I will never fully accept but would not live without.. (but it could be un-intensified.. if I only knew how).  My heart and mind rap themselves around another, they breathe you in and out.. when I care I see all sides of you, even the ones you do not want others to see, I see the person, I get connected, by every smallest piece- and so intensely. This happens with friends, this happens with men.. and with men.. well the dating pattern is often the same.. I pick the ones who never wanted to stay.   When they leave or go silent- like the bond we had never meant a thing, I get all intense and give so much more than I receive. It is like I think that if one of us dies suddenly and we now stop to speak, I want them to know everything about how I really feel, what I been thinking all along, how I will always care about them even if things went wrong. I never say I love you, because truly loving someone takes ...

Do things feel like they are not going anywhere, like you are stomping your feet on the same piece of ground ? Has your heart just been broken ? Are you asking yourself; will I ever get over this.. does this pattern just repeat itself. I feel this way sometimes... stuck... in pain... in an emotional rut.. you name it....sniffling and incapable to see the light, although to be fair.. that light.. even in the darkest of times does, in small glimpses, a little here and there, make it through to reach my receptive self. But seeing the small pieces can sometimes be an exhausting process....in this piece I wanted to concentrate on something else, something bigger. The Magic in a Year. If you think back on last year.. how much has changed, how many bigger or minor heartbreaks have you concurred (and yes.. not still faced..) and how has your view on the world broadened ? How many adventures (some more sudden) has the past year taken you on ? How has your life changed within that year ? ...

Dear men and boys out there, who took the courage to say I will, it is wonderful that you want to show us what examples you will be. And those few of you who said you have, thank you for your honesty- it is heartwarming to see that you now have grown, so that whenever we are around you we can feel safe, respected and free. I know it is not all, but I believe there are some, who search for applause and appraisal for what they now have become. That you now realized something that was there all along it was there in the looks, attitudes, song and talks, you just did not do anything about it that is all. For something that should have been a given, you now choose to see the truth. to look it straight in the eye, and remind yourself that this person will not be you. And yes you are wonderful lads, and I wish more than anything that your example will lay down a path, so that even those still in denial can pick up their act. But I will not say thank you, as that would be like gi...

This past late spring, summer and fall I have put a lot of energy into finding myself- into finding all those things that I previously just had been thinking of or for sometime forgot, in falling in love again with my own curiosity, making my footprints in my sand.  I found new hobbies, continued my adventures and made sure to approach my goals with an open-mind, widening my horizon towards all inspiring things I could find. There has even been a step by step change in career, with determination and sources of inspiration, I can really now see myself on a staircase leading there. I wanted to write down something about losing yourself in someone else. I tend to lose track easily, faster than I liked to admit, Anyone else out there who feels like this, who easily loses sight for all the things they (when thinking more clearly) would never want to miss ? I hope you understand that the situation this is based upon was all but bad, I was the one who lead myself off track -and t...

I am writing this from a lovely (but slightly chaotic at the moment) cafe just around the corner from where I live. The jazz is quite distractive but mixed with the cold September weather outside it can not help but to put a smile on my face. An older man sitting next to me tells me about a leg injury he got from martial arts and that he now, several years later, will receive treatment for it, as well as how life, if you allow to see it that way- is beautiful.. and that karma is not a bitch, only if you stir it up yourself. There are owl ornaments on the wall as well as a few guitars, and the Turkish family that own the cafe are having broccoli on the table next to me.  Anyway...  let me get back to what I had on my mind for today..I wanted to write about Letting go of the fear of being rejected . Lately I haven not been able to go out for drinks, or to clubs or any of those other scenarios where you might meet someone (whether clubs and Saturday nights are really the rig...

This one was a hard one to write, but I felt like it was an important issue to bring up. Loving unconditionally. And I am not talking about staying in a relationship and letting them treat you badly, then you need to love yourself in the same way as I am about to write about loving someone else, see you and your well-being, what do you need to be happy? Allow yourself to let go. I am talking about loving someone even if they did not choose you, are you capable of that ? Can you be happy for them even if that happiness was not with you ? The reason I am writing this is the too familiar ´Now we are just friends but I still have feelings for them- situation´. Been there ? Yes, it is tricky, and no I do not handle it all yogi "let go and say thank you" perfectly. I look at the pictures on that wall of other girls they hang out with, I think of all the chances there are that they meet someone else, better, prettier and more together and less anxious at that Festiv...

Check in that bird, she looks fine With a booty like that, what do you got to hide ? Long hair, long legs, the cleavage, she is just your type . So good that you noticed, she is gorgeous alright. But there is more to this girl than first meets your eye, the most beautiful parts she chooses to hide. See she knows that those things are not the things that catch your attention, so she covers, rinses, pulls, tucks away, all for that appreciative smile & affection. But underneath all of this, is a girl, a person, more beautiful and real, that anything could ever fix. It is the toes she hates, the cellulite on her ties, the wrinkles that gather up through all the years she smiled. It is her tired face after a long day of work, or her hormone jumbled days that she faces with life loving determination even if she is feeling at her worst. It is every inch and unwanted hair, all the spots, shapes and angles she right now wishes were not there. This is the beauty that we should s...

No, this is not a post about growing up in the wilderness that is the countryside, with the sea bashing to the rocks or wind flying through fields and forest. This is about us, the single girls, out here in the wild, learning to navigate through the dates, the games, the guys mind and ways, sometimes trembling, falling only to get back up again and stiffen our legs on the ground we stand on. This is about the heartbreaks we had, lessons we learned, lessons we learned a bit too much to now make us a bit " too understanding ", "too cool" and with our shields held "too high", this is about the bravery of then lowering that shield, of realizing that we did it too soon, of dealing with that aftermath only to raise our shields once again. It is about sensing the masterminds that play, keeping our dignity and not staying as prey. It is about those times we truly believe that what we sense in you is real, sticking around only to be met by runaway fear. It is...

When dealt with so many downfalls in the past it is easy for us to take on the shield of doubt for everything new that comes along. I know that worry, the armor, way to well. Talking with a girlfriend of mine, who has been out there far longer, searching, putting herself out there, listened and then been taken along for the dance, made me once again realize how common this feeling tends to be. He went a bit silent, and your'e sure that sooner or later a message will show up "There's something I have to tell you...." He said something nice, and there you are preparing yourself for "Listen, This/You have been great but..."  Everything goes well, maybe a bit too well, and all you can think of is " I'm sure something heartbreaking will happen soon". For all we know they could suddenly disappear, and what he actually was up too, we would never get to hear from him.  We lost our naivety but picked up something bound to protect us, sometimes I ...