I wanted to write about something I mentioned in my blog post about anxious caring.
As someone living with anxiety and being highly emotional, I know how intense social situations can feel. How much we want to get our message out, reach the other person, say the right thing, worry about what to say, say too fast and too much and then worry about fixing that straight after. I know the chaos that hits our head, the intense feeling of what if they slip away forever and they never got to hear this, what if our bond breaks when it could have been something deeper and even more understanding and accepting- just because these caring thoughts didn't pass between our walls. What if they are shutting down and in the mindset that its not okay to share your darkest thoughts, what if there alone in there ? What if there falling, what if I could reach them ? What if I didn't try ? To every last bit I try, if I care about you, I will always try.
But.. here is one of the main problems.. you see in this panic that the anxiety raises, we.. we`ll at least I, tend to not see clearly. I cant think rationally. I realize the intensity of my actions only slightly after, which then again will raise more anxiety and more action (about how to break the cycle read To declare freedom from an obsessive circle )
I lose the ability to truly listen (and sometimes completely). Yes there might be (and often is..as people like me tend to be drawn to those who arent feeling well.. or have the other side of the famous attachment pattern) a true worry about them- and how there feeling and all these things that should be said and never left unsaid just in case.. the ropes I throw for that bond to stay... But partly the reach out goes back to my time in the shadows, lonely.. not communicating, feeling un-normal and not well. in pain and a mess.
I see my own pain and do the thing I wished someone had done for me, not hearing what they actually need, not seeing the situation, their situation...our situation, for what it actually is. This being at its worst when faced with a silent treatment, or only few word responses. I cant know whats going on- so my mind goes wild.. it leaves and endless possibility to thought, anxiety, guesses, questions, conclusions and mistakes.
For these moments of panic- having had them for a long time, I created tools to keep me away from the once I care about but that need space, I want to give them space from my anxiety.. from me.. I know how harsh that sounds.. and yes maybe I shouldn't care that much about people who can not handle me, communicate back, and well.. that function in the opposite way. But my caring (besides the anxiety) goes through trying to understand.. even if it would take a while. I know how intense I can get.. trust me.. I live inside this head each and every day. I make lists of no contact days, weeks.. even months.. I remind myself that a future friendship might be possible again if I just let things breathe. I even make lists of what I said and how many times.. trying to create a balance. I stop following them on social media, I do my very best to focus on other things. And next to that, after a while I can smile and breathe.. seeing them on a picture doing their own thing, I get happy seeing that their doing well, seeing them breathe, even if the worry of them being upset or get exhausted by the thought of me and my panic attacks still is present in my heart.
'
But back the anxiety and being present. Yes being ghosted or getting a silent treatment is always harder (and in time makes you realize how a bond with these people, as long as they are acting in this.. Im sorry. immature manor.. actually just brings out the worst in you). And yes we all react differently to our environment and the ones close to us- and the silence once I "lost it" is understandable, I cant blame them really. But then there are those times.. many times.. where the silence came suddenly.. and my anxiety triples up the stairs.
Communication makes it all easier, it calms me down and I know what you're thinking, how you're feeling, where we stand, that you're not (hopefully not) angry or frustrated at me, and these days its okay to tell me that I get intense.. if I still would. I know. I wish that you would care enough to take the time to climb that mountain. Communicate. It might take time for me to get on this page (as my emotions are so intense and all the worry and mirroring of my own experience that comes out of my head). But I know, with communication it all gets easier, step by step.
I made it my project to see the situation in front of me, to not hide and blame it away with my caring, I want to learn. And thats only fair. I want to learn to listen to what I have to deal with, what you're actually saying, right there. Theres two sides to this story.
And if you didnt speak, I need to learn to hold my horses, let the calm settle its peace, say my words once (if at all) and then let it be. Read you're chosen silence for what its actually supposed to tell me. Leave you be.
And far as it comes to my mind each day, I want to practice to be there - to hear what you have to say, I know I sometimes act like a chatty squirl headed only one way... then feeling bad for again being in my head and acting this way. You are on my mind (for each person theres an emotional- "Deep things you told me and Ive heard and seen that are important to you" file). I just lose track in those conversations sometimes. I will get a little rubber duck (inside joke with flatmates), a rock (or whatever works) to remind me of being there. I dont want to miss a word of the reason for our laughter and the problems questions and thoughts that are shared. I will work hard to be more aware.
Communicate, Listen, Breathe.
As someone living with anxiety and being highly emotional, I know how intense social situations can feel. How much we want to get our message out, reach the other person, say the right thing, worry about what to say, say too fast and too much and then worry about fixing that straight after. I know the chaos that hits our head, the intense feeling of what if they slip away forever and they never got to hear this, what if our bond breaks when it could have been something deeper and even more understanding and accepting- just because these caring thoughts didn't pass between our walls. What if they are shutting down and in the mindset that its not okay to share your darkest thoughts, what if there alone in there ? What if there falling, what if I could reach them ? What if I didn't try ? To every last bit I try, if I care about you, I will always try.
But.. here is one of the main problems.. you see in this panic that the anxiety raises, we.. we`ll at least I, tend to not see clearly. I cant think rationally. I realize the intensity of my actions only slightly after, which then again will raise more anxiety and more action (about how to break the cycle read To declare freedom from an obsessive circle )
I lose the ability to truly listen (and sometimes completely). Yes there might be (and often is..as people like me tend to be drawn to those who arent feeling well.. or have the other side of the famous attachment pattern) a true worry about them- and how there feeling and all these things that should be said and never left unsaid just in case.. the ropes I throw for that bond to stay... But partly the reach out goes back to my time in the shadows, lonely.. not communicating, feeling un-normal and not well. in pain and a mess.
I see my own pain and do the thing I wished someone had done for me, not hearing what they actually need, not seeing the situation, their situation...our situation, for what it actually is. This being at its worst when faced with a silent treatment, or only few word responses. I cant know whats going on- so my mind goes wild.. it leaves and endless possibility to thought, anxiety, guesses, questions, conclusions and mistakes.
For these moments of panic- having had them for a long time, I created tools to keep me away from the once I care about but that need space, I want to give them space from my anxiety.. from me.. I know how harsh that sounds.. and yes maybe I shouldn't care that much about people who can not handle me, communicate back, and well.. that function in the opposite way. But my caring (besides the anxiety) goes through trying to understand.. even if it would take a while. I know how intense I can get.. trust me.. I live inside this head each and every day. I make lists of no contact days, weeks.. even months.. I remind myself that a future friendship might be possible again if I just let things breathe. I even make lists of what I said and how many times.. trying to create a balance. I stop following them on social media, I do my very best to focus on other things. And next to that, after a while I can smile and breathe.. seeing them on a picture doing their own thing, I get happy seeing that their doing well, seeing them breathe, even if the worry of them being upset or get exhausted by the thought of me and my panic attacks still is present in my heart.
'
But back the anxiety and being present. Yes being ghosted or getting a silent treatment is always harder (and in time makes you realize how a bond with these people, as long as they are acting in this.. Im sorry. immature manor.. actually just brings out the worst in you). And yes we all react differently to our environment and the ones close to us- and the silence once I "lost it" is understandable, I cant blame them really. But then there are those times.. many times.. where the silence came suddenly.. and my anxiety triples up the stairs.
Communication makes it all easier, it calms me down and I know what you're thinking, how you're feeling, where we stand, that you're not (hopefully not) angry or frustrated at me, and these days its okay to tell me that I get intense.. if I still would. I know. I wish that you would care enough to take the time to climb that mountain. Communicate. It might take time for me to get on this page (as my emotions are so intense and all the worry and mirroring of my own experience that comes out of my head). But I know, with communication it all gets easier, step by step.
I made it my project to see the situation in front of me, to not hide and blame it away with my caring, I want to learn. And thats only fair. I want to learn to listen to what I have to deal with, what you're actually saying, right there. Theres two sides to this story.
And if you didnt speak, I need to learn to hold my horses, let the calm settle its peace, say my words once (if at all) and then let it be. Read you're chosen silence for what its actually supposed to tell me. Leave you be.
And far as it comes to my mind each day, I want to practice to be there - to hear what you have to say, I know I sometimes act like a chatty squirl headed only one way... then feeling bad for again being in my head and acting this way. You are on my mind (for each person theres an emotional- "Deep things you told me and Ive heard and seen that are important to you" file). I just lose track in those conversations sometimes. I will get a little rubber duck (inside joke with flatmates), a rock (or whatever works) to remind me of being there. I dont want to miss a word of the reason for our laughter and the problems questions and thoughts that are shared. I will work hard to be more aware.
Communicate, Listen, Breathe.
Comments
Post a Comment