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Listen (building towards awareness)

I wanted to write about something I mentioned in my blog post about anxious caring. 

As someone living with anxiety and being highly emotional, I know how intense social situations can feel. How much we want to get our message out, reach the other person, say the right thing, worry about what to say, say too fast and too much and then worry about fixing that straight after. I know the chaos that hits our head, the intense feeling of what if they slip away forever and they never got to hear this, what if our bond breaks when it could have been even more understanding and accepting- just because these caring thoughts did not pass between our walls.

What if they are shutting down and in the mindset that its not okay to share your darkest thoughts, what if they are alone in there ? What if they are falling, what if I could reach them ? If I care about them, I will always try. 

But.. here is one of the main problems.. you see in this panic that the anxiety raises, we.. or at least I.., tend to not see clearly. I struggle to think rationally. I realize the intensity of my actions only slightly after, which then again will raise more anxiety and more action (about how to break the cycle read To declare freedom from an obsessive circle ) 

I lose the ability to truly listen (and sometimes completely). There might be a genuine worry about them- and how they are feeling and all the things that should be said and never left unsaid just in case.. the ropes I throw for that bond to stay... But partly the reach out goes back to my time in the shadows, lonely.. not communicating, feeling abnormal and not well, in pain and a mess. 

I see my own pain and do the thing I wished someone had done for me, not hearing what they actually need, not seeing the situation, their situation...our situation, for what it actually is. This being at its worst when faced with a silent treatment, or only few word responses. I can not know what is going on- so my mind goes wild.. it leaves and endless possibility to thought, anxiety, guesses, questions, conclusions and... mistakes. 

For these moments of panic- having had them for a long time, I created tools to keep me away from the once I care about but that need space from my whirlwind. I want to give them space from my anxiety.. from me.. I know how harsh that sounds.. and yes maybe I should not care that much about people who can not handle me, communicate back, and well.. that simply function in the opposite way. But my caring (besides the anxiety) is trying to understand.. even if it would take a while. 

I know how intense I can get.. trust me.. I live inside this head each and every day. I make lists of no contact days, weeks.. even months.. I remind myself that a future friendship might be possible again if I just let things breathe. I even make lists of what I said and how many times.. trying to create a balance. I stop following them on social media, I do my very best to focus on other things. And next to that, after a while I can smile and breathe.. seeing them on a picture doing their own thing, I get happy seeing that they are doing well, seeing them breathe, even if the worry of them being upset or get exhausted by the thought of me and my panic attacks still is present in my heart. 
'
But back to the anxiety and struggling to be present. Being ghosted or getting a silent treatment is always hard. We all react differently to our environment and the ones close to us- and so the silence once I "lost it" is understandable, I can not blame them really. But then there are those times.. many times.. where the silence came suddenly.. and my anxiety triples up the stairs, what did I do ?

Note that in time you start realize how a bond with these people, actually just brings out the worst in you. 

Communication makes it all easier, it calms me down and I know what you are thinking, how you are feeling, where we stand, that you are not (hopefully) angry or frustrated at me. These days it is okay to tell me that I get intense..I wish that you would care enough to take the time to climb that mountain before I start running up myself. Communicate, and it gets easier, step by step. 

I made it my project to see the situation in front of me, to not hide and blame it away with my caring, I want to learn. And that is only fair. I want to learn to listen to what I have to deal with, what you are actually saying, right there. There are after all two sides to this story. 

And if you however chose not to speak, I need to learn to hold my horses, let the calm settle its peace, say my words once (if at all) and then let it be. Read your  chosen silence for what it is actually supposed to tell me. Leave you be. 

And far as it comes to my mind each day, I want to practice to be there - to hear what you have to say, I know I sometimes act like a chatty squirrel headed only one way... then feeling bad for once again being in my head and acting this way. You are on my mind (for each person there is an emotional- "Deep things you told me and I have heard and seen that are important to you" file). I just lose track in those conversations sometimes. I will get a little rubber duck (inside joke with flatmates), a rock  (or whatever works) to remind me of being here. I do not want to miss the reason for our laughter, the problems, questions and thoughts that are shared. I will work hard to be more aware. 


Communicate, Listen, Breathe.








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