Roar in the Afterglow

stop the growth, stop the blossom, as someone might eat them, tear them apart. something I learned, as I let them grow too far, there were lilies appearing, so sensitive and bright, sticks would be better, and less vulnerable- right ? Once they roamed my garden, I guess I made it too inviting. My garden, me. Stop the blossom, stop me. Do not let me breathe and flourish free. That is not how I want my life to be. - to my friend, a gardener in the making

You might be wondering why this dark topic is now in front of your eyes, well, first of all this is a part in my life that I no longer choose to hide. But I wrote about this before, thought about leaving it there, but it came back to my mind so now I have touched this part of my life once again. Last night I wrote a poem about those darkest days, there is no hopeful ending, because that darkness was my state. This poem is the battle for life you go through when stuck. Emotionally and fearfully to a situation you feel that you can not get away from. Self-harm is not a sign of weakness, of giving up on life.. it is the exact opposite, It is a sign of strength, this is not to glorify the terrifying act, but to open an understanding towards this battle for life, It was the only thing that still helped me feel that I was here, the pain ensured me that I would not disappear. Fire= Self-harm Smoke= Tears, sadness, dizziness, shaking, being distant I'm Still Breathing   ...

Solo-travel and exploring on your own often seems to be something that is considered too big of  an hurdle, an  uncomfortable area we would rather avoid. As wolves we are more comfortable in a pack. I used to think like this myself. The thing is however, that we often (as singles in a busy world) find ourselves alone when we would have the time for an adventure. Schedules do not fit.  - Then there are of-course the differences in interests as well, and as being without a partner no one is  "obligated" (please take with sarcasm :D) to go with you on your holiday to extraordinary locations and events.  But hey, that being said; - what a perfect time for you to do exactly what you always dreamed of ! All I want to say is go for it.   Do not sit around waiting for "maybe another time" due to the fear, and I am not talking about the fear of being scared that something might happen on the way (that does not seem to be the first thing that pop...

No, this is not a post about growing up in the wilderness that is the countryside, with the sea bashing to the rocks or wind flying through fields and forest. This is about us, the single girls, out here in the wild, learning to navigate through the dates, the games, the guys mind and ways, sometimes trembling, falling only to get back up again and stiffen our legs on the ground we stand on. This is about the heartbreaks we had, lessons we learned, lessons we learned a bit too much to now make us a bit " too understanding ", "too cool" and with our shields held "too high", this is about the bravery of then lowering that shield, of realizing that we did it too soon, of dealing with that aftermath only to raise our shields once again. It is about sensing the masterminds that play, keeping our dignity and not staying as prey. It is about those times we truly believe that what we sense in you is real, sticking around only to be met by runaway fear. It is...

Ever felt like the city you live in is filled with old heartbreaks around corners, mistakes and embarrassing incidents? That no matter where you go, they always haunt you (well.. I mean you could always leave the city.. but why let these things win ?) making you feel like a misfit walking along those streets. More often then we would have hoped, we go through or lives meeting guys who turn our head around, sometimes for a longer while and sometimes for one really good evening, and sometimes before you even came to this city, making us feel so good and confident, hoping that at some point there would be some more, but sooner then later they just leave us with short one-liners making us feel like they find us about as interesting as a potato (no offense to potatoes). We analyse, try to resolve to gain some clearance and in the process of that end up feeling like we just did a freak show (seriously, no matter what we do). Every place reminds us of something, where it happened (good and...

Today it is the Orange Day, it is UN:s International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. I thought I should write today, and even if we all should help to break the silence, and help the person if we ever found out that their being abused (in any way), the truth is that often we stand alone. I wanted to write about that day, The day I broke the silence. It has all luckily started to fade into a blur, but I will try to recall as much as I can remember. I remember him sitting indoors on his computer for weeks, Outside there was a sunny summer, I remember trying to tell him to go outdoors more, to get some fresh air. Maybe he could do his work in a park ? I remember that he got outside with me, we were supposed to go and meet his friends a few kilometers away, I reminded him of getting outside more often, " I mean look at all the people sitting in the park, there is still summer left" He told me to Shut up ("Why can`t you just shut up.. ?") , an...

I am sitting here on the floor with a cup of tea in my hands, wiggling my toes. The mirror is right in front om me and my newly washed hair makes me look like a natural Aretha Franklin or a very fluffy Chewbacca, both probably equally as cute. It feels quite nice to be able to sit here with myself like this, to just be here, here with me. For a long time I could not. I avoided mirrors, I could not look into her eyes.  The humiliation had made me vulnerable, I felt ashamed, did not want to see her, me, and I also avoided facing the truth, the pain I knew I could see in my eyes. I want to explain what I meant by "Thank You for Humiliating me, for I have learned to see my own beauty" in my post Thank You . As I told before, he pushed me into things I did not want to do. As the years went by I fell into silence I stopped having an own opinion or to say it out loud. I accepted that this was the only kind of closeness that I would get, so though it hurt that he treated me tha...

To someone in a panic: Sometimes we dwell on things, we keep them in. After a long time we want to run, run away, but we feel like we can`t, we are stuck. We are torn. Sometimes I felt like I could not breathe, I was suffocating.  Start by concentrating on your breathing, be there for you. Try to loosen up, get rid of that tension. You are here, and You are here with You. You are here for You. It might take time, and it might not work the first time, or even the third. But I know you can do it. If the releasing of the tension causes tears, let it, do not push them back, remember, you are here for You and so are your tears.  Also, Do not close up, do not leave yourself alone with your emotions and fears. Talk to somebody, and I know that it might feel like you can`t , like you shouldn't. You might think that you do not want to worry them or drag them into this, Or that they would not understand. But no matter what is on your mind, you should, You are not obligated...

It is always good to write, especially to write down your feelings, to get clarity. The University School psychologist thought me a few years ago to write a positivity journal. The idea was to remind myself of the good that is going on in my life, around me, in me. It helped a lot, to see the positive in the things that have happened, what I have learned and how it made me stronger and what good I can see in this particular day. Slowly it helped to change my way of thinking. So now I do not have to write down a list or a journal everyday. It is in the way that I feel. And first I thought that it was all about writing down all the things I learned, the fun things that are happening right now and what I should look forward too. But with time I realized that its much more than that, For myself I adapted that positive writing to use whenever I start to feel anxious. Important here to know about anxiety, if you did not already, is that it comes in waves (at least mine does) you do not ...

Do not force yourself into situations or to stay in them to please others, think about whats best for you, where do you feel comfortable? find your own path, let yourself breathe.

I walked down the street today, not feeling my exactly prettiest.. my make-up was put on in a hurry and my hair had tangled up once again (it tends to do that a lot). As I thought about my messy appearance I remembered one of the best things my dad has ever taught me;  -The most beautiful make-up you could have is your smile. I count to that a sense of inner happiness. To appreciate who you are, inside and out. My parents have taught me a lot. My teenage self might not have understood or paid attention to the little things, but the years have opened up my eyes to the things that matter.  My parents have taught me that friends matter, as I was younger we had all kinds of parties and get-together with our family friends.The parents and all their kids.We even traveled up north during the winter to ski, daytime hike, ride reindeers (we even got our drivers license) and play board-games like Pictionary and make pancakes in the evening.  You can maybe imagine what a bi...

Sometimes I wish you were here. Where ever you are. I do not know if I already met you or if I am still about to. How do I find you, and how do I know when I have found you ? Sometimes I meet someone who seems nice and kind, and then I get let down. So how am I supposed to trust again, not be afraid to see the good, trust in it, that it is real and not just for show ? How do I know that what I found is good, and how do I find you ? I miss you. .. Yes.. I miss him, and maybe you should not be allowed to say that, how can you really miss someone that you do not even know ?..Well, all I know is this feeling. That finally found them feeling, that feeling of safety, that feeling of knowing that this is the person you want to take your life's adventures with, that feeling that you do not have to say anything, you could just be. That feeling of laughing to something stupid that only the two of you understand. Seeing them smile.  But here is the other truth.. no matter how much I som...

I felt like I had lost everything I was, and every good part that I once had in my life. If I still had some of them, I had lost touch to them. I was lost. How should I start to find my way again ? Who was I ? What did I want in my life ? I did something.. I wrote a list, a list of big and smaller things, the tiniest things to remember, I guess we could call them "feel-good and finding your way to your own life things ".  I wrote it at my parents summer place, just a week after I left him. The list included everything from examples of new hobbies, friends to reconnect and get in touch with, new methods to positive thinking  and those small moments that you need to remember to take for yourself. Here is an example of what it looked like: - Become a member of your Student Nation/ Organisation - Redecorate your apartment (get rid of old bed, refurnish, make it yours) - Ask how N is doing, visit her back home ? - Remember to be your own best friend - Catch up with J,...

If I Just. .Sound familiar?.. that is a thought I remember having often.  All I wanted was for us to have a good life, a healthy relationship and a good or at least manageable future. Things were falling a part and I was desperately trying to keep them from falling, everyday and more than I ever concentrated on my own things.   There was worry about him passing his courses,  getting him to apply for summer jobs (which even according to his grandparents became my responsibility.) and writing a CV, getting him to take care of his economy that directly influenced ours (or when he wanted to invest his money on gold bricks and old computer parts that then laid around our apartment and enhanced my asthma ), taking care of our home and before that his mom`s (where cooking pots were dished and stored in the bathtub), his refusal to deal with his drinking problems, our relationship, the way he treated me and so on. If here and now did not work, than what would our fu...

Before starting this blog I thought a long time about how much I should tell about my past and the things that drove me in to writing a blog like this. I decided that it would be important to tell some things, so that the possible readers would better understand where I am coming from. But I had one simple rule; besides writing about the things I went through, I would always make sure to write what I learned from these experiences. During those four years there where a lot of thing I wish that I had never experienced. Until this day there are a lot of things that I do not mention, and I surely did not tell about them to anyone else then, not even to my closest friends. Those things where everyday life to me, something I got used to, shoved into " that geeky box of his" or told myself that the they were immature thing "some guys say",  felt sickness for even though I could not make the connection and blamed myself and other things around me.  I will write down so...

Whenever I feel a bit down or alone,  Or well actually at any time really. I think about the things that I am thankful for. Things that, at least for some part, break that suffocating anxious feeling or bring a warm hopeful happy feeling to my heart whenever, wherever. I am glad that I started to live my life again. I glad that I decided to go back- packing to the South East of Asia for the first time in my life last summer. The journey from Bangkok down to Singapore, with all the  big and smaller city's, island and the mossy highlands of Malaysia, was amazing, but just the fact that I got on that plane or even gave a taught to the idea of going an a journey like this, is what makes me smile the most. I allowed myself to make my dream come through. Soon I am planning on heading out again. I am glad that I got accepted to the University, So that I would have a little bit more time to think about what I want to do, since I already graduated as a social caregiver. I am also g...

Ever been in a situation where you gave all of your energy and ended up losing yourself and your belief in your own self-worth? Ever been through that emotional rush, when you, despite the fear of being to much of a wreck for someone else to love (ever) make that life changing decision to finally say "NO, No more. Life is beautiful. I deserve better than this ! " ? I have; After four years of riding the roller coaster of an emotionally abusive relationship, that started when I was 17, I have had enough. My knees where shaking, But I stood up. And every day, no matter what I am going through, I am thankful for that what felt like a fight for my last gasp of air, but what turned to a roar for life, love and everything that makes the world beautiful. From that moment on I Roar in the Afterglow. This is a blog about life and learning from it, love, dating, single life and the things in a relationship that matter the most, positive thinking, always remembering yo...