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If I Just..


If I Just..Sound familiar?.. that is a thought I remember having often.

 All I wanted was for us to have a good life, a healthy relationship and a good or at least manageable future. Things were falling a part and I was desperately trying to keep them from falling, everyday and more than I ever concentrated on my own things.  

There was worry about him passing his courses,  getting him to apply for summer jobs (which even according to his grandparents became my responsibility.) and writing a CV, getting him to take care of his economy that directly influenced ours (or when he wanted to invest his money on gold bricks and old computer parts that then laid around our apartment and enhanced my asthma ), taking care of our home and before that his mom`s (where cooking pots were dished and stored in the bathtub), his refusal to deal with his drinking problems, our relationship, the way he treated me and so on. If here and now did not work, than what would our future look like ? I had already a long time ago settled for that this was it, my future was with him. I guess you could say that I became a single parent at 17...

So many times I wished that he would have cared enough to take care of himself, so that I did not have to. That he would have cared about Me? Or Us ?. If I Just fixed this thing.. If I Just taught him to take care of.. If I Just kept reminding him..  If I Just would beg him to stop and tell him how it hurts.. If I Just would tell him about my worries.. If I Just showed him enough love, maybe he would change...  

Would I get to do those things I wanted, in 5 years, or maybe in 10... Or Ever... ? If I Just cut down on my own dreams, then maybe, just maybe I would have time just for one ? As the years went by I Forgot myself. 

Never put your own needs and dreams aside, life is to short and it is your life too ! 

And learn this; It is not your responsibility to fix someone else, they should be strong enough to face themselves and mature enough to build themselves for the better. 

After an experience like this, we may feel like we are not capable, that our spark for trying has been worn out. But what if we looked at that energy we had, that energy we had to Just try. We did it for love right? Because we believed in it and hopefully still do. Love is not something that you just find in relationships. It is something you can feel for your own well being too.

So what if.. I Just.. breathe ? What If I Just... spoke kindly to myself ? What If I Just ...listened to my own needs?  It takes time.. and it is not all that easy...

... But what if this time.. We`ll change that sentence, change that hopeless "If"  and "Just" and say; ....This time--- I`ll Be here for Me.




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