Skip to main content

If I Just..


If I Just..Sound familiar?.. that is a thought I remember having often.

 All I wanted was for us to have a good life, a healthy relationship and a good or at least manageable future. Things were falling a part and I was desperately trying to keep them from falling, everyday and more than I ever concentrated on my own things.  

There was worry about him passing his courses,  getting him to apply for summer jobs (which even according to his grandparents became my responsibility.) and writing a CV, getting him to take care of his economy that directly influenced ours (or when he wanted to invest his money on gold bricks and old computer parts that then laid around our apartment and enhanced my asthma ), taking care of our home and before that his mom`s (where cooking pots were dished and stored in the bathtub), his refusal to deal with his drinking problems, our relationship, the way he treated me and so on. If here and now did not work, than what would our future look like ? I had already a long time ago settled for that this was it, my future was with him. I guess you could say that I became a single parent at 17...

So many times I wished that he would have cared enough to take care of himself, so that I did not have to. That he would have cared about Me? Or Us ?. If I Just fixed this thing.. If I Just taught him to take care of.. If I Just kept reminding him..  If I Just would beg him to stop and tell him how it hurts.. If I Just would tell him about my worries.. If I Just showed him enough love, maybe he would change...  

Would I get to do those things I wanted, in 5 years, or maybe in 10... Or Ever... ? If I Just cut down on my own dreams, then maybe, just maybe I would have time just for one ? As the years went by I Forgot myself. 

Never put your own needs and dreams aside, life is to short and it is your life too ! 

And learn this; It is not your responsibility to fix someone else, they should be strong enough to face themselves and mature enough to build themselves for the better. 

After an experience like this, we may feel like we are not capable, that our spark for trying has been worn out. But what if we looked at that energy we had, that energy we had to Just try. We did it for love right? Because we believed in it and hopefully still do. Love is not something that you just find in relationships. It is something you can feel for your own well being too.

So what if.. I Just.. breathe ? What If I Just... spoke kindly to myself ? What If I Just ...listened to my own needs?  It takes time.. and it is not all that easy...

... But what if this time.. We`ll change that sentence, change that hopeless "If"  and "Just" and say; ....This time--- I`ll Be here for Me.




Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An intuitive journey back to my solo travels

For the past few years I have had a fallback in writing. A lack of inspiration and a feeling that I had already written about "it all", or the things I really wanted to say at least. Perhaps it is the SSRI medication that for the past 4 years have been numbing (in a good way) my anxiety- but also keeping my head away from mind loops, or perhaps I just got to the end of it- let out all the biggest of Roars.  But, whatever it is that has made me write less, I will make sure to not stop completely. I do enjoy this too after all, it is not only an outlet for something anxious, it was always supposed to be more than that. Something to lift spirits, bright up days, encourage others to live (or continue too) live their best and most for-filling lives. So, I decided to go through my solo travels, one by one. Because what might not have been obvious through these text through the years (that is- mainly from the summer of 2016 forwards), is that I went on adventures, on my own (mostly)...
Post a Comment
Read more

Shine on bright (about mistakes, self-doubt, kindness and curiosity)

Live with all your heart,  and never feel ashamed for trying every mistake, has a silver lining be grateful for all that you may learn Life is too short to doubt every move, every turn Listen, and never be ashamed of being true Stay curious, humble, and always be you respect yourself and those around you,  - thank them for their honesty too Life is meant for living, so never dim your light Pause in your steps,  breathe and shine on bright. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Unhinged

Forgive yourself, lets start with that.  Anxiety can (and will) at times make us act all out of whack I used to pray; do not do this to me again.  Whatever you do- do not let me stumble off towards the edge. But you will stumble, that is a fact, so forgive yourself for falling way off track.  Find those around you who agree to communicate- not say what they do not mean and then leave the truth unsaid-causing you to sprint towards the edge. The edge gave you answers, truths that were left unsaid. It extinguished the feeling of hopelessness.  The what ifs, whys and fear of losing the shots you do not take, the ticking construct of the little time that is left.  Tick-tock, knock-knock and you find yourself unhinged.  Tick-tock, knock-knock you realize the spin.  Tick-tock, knock-knock, mortification creeping in.  Deep breaths darling You are not mad Deep breaths darling The right people will want to understand Deep breaths darling I will hold your ha...
Post a Comment
Read more