Roar in the Afterglow

I felt a lot of shame for the things I had gone through, what he had pushed me in to, and I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Who could I trust, or did I just trust anyone who knocked on my door ? Did I know what to look out for or was I just dragging more of them to me?  Was I going crazy ? Would anyone understand ? I knew the school psychologist did, but what about everyone else, what about the outside world ? My friends? Where had I been, who was I ? How to get my life back and what was that ? Could I find any understanding for this battle I was going through. ? I felt alone, very alone, even though I had friends around me. I want to share these experiences because I want to be a part of breaking the silence, tell about that what actually many people face everyday. By writing about it in the way that I do, what I faced, how it effected me and how I everyday work hard with myself to become stronger I also want to help to take away that feeling of shame. Because

Why are subjects like mental health and therapy such a big Taboo ? I read an article in the University Paper about struggling with mental health and being afraid to talk about it to your friends, what if someone found out, how would they look at me then ? I believe that many of us struggle with something mental, or have or will at some point in our life. We all go through things in  life and we all have a mentality, we are all human and humans are fragile. And what about the modern society, what its doing to us; daily pressure to give out a certain look of a happy perfect life and yet when we have that moment we want to share, we forget to live in it, to actually be with them. And what about the stress ? I think we can all agree that every single one of us can easily fall apart. So why couldn't we just talk about it more openly ? Think about it, we say that true beauty comes from the inside, we all (well almost all of us) work on the outside to look good and sometimes some of

Fear during and then anger, and sometimes fear again. But as everyone else, hes also just a fragile human. I wrote about broken pasts and how that helps me understand his behavior, that it helps me let go of anger, because there isn't much he can do about it, but that I also will never accept it, since no matter how ill, he might be... he never had the right to treat me that way. Yes, he had a very broken home, and no stability, but he also chose to not deal with his past or with the problems in his own behavior. He was too sick for that, his unrealistic ego stood in the way. And during the years, as I told in the earlier posts, I got to see his reaction when he was confronted by his own mistakes, when I again had to tell him what he had done and beg him to change. He couldn't take it, blamed me for blaming and confronting him, for bringing up the past (and the past could have been yesterday and most likely would be the next..) Why did I have to be so mean, why couldn't I

Thank You for dragging me down, because now the only way is up. Thank You for humiliating me, because I've learnt to see my own beauty Thank You for showing me, because now I know what kind of future I want to have Thank You for almost taking away my breath, because now I breathe more then ever Thank You for pushing me into fear, because now I know that I'm brave Thank You for making me feel hopeless, because all I seem to feel is light Thank You for making me break the silence, for now I know my own Strength <3

To someone in a Panic <3: Sometimes we dwell on things, we keep them in. After a long time we want to run, run away, but we feel like we cant, were stuck. Were torn. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was suffocating.  Start by concentrating on your breathing, be there for you. Try to loosen up, get rid of that tension. You are here, and You are here with You. You are here for You. It might take time, and it might not work the first time, or even the third. But I know you can do it <3 . And if the releasing of the tension causes tears, let it, don't push them back, remember, you are here for You.  Also, Don't close up, don't leave yourself alone with your emotions and fears. Talk to somebody, and I know that it might feel like you cant, like you shouldn't. You might think that you don't want to worry them or drag them into this, Or that they wouldn't understand. But no matter whats on your mind, you should, You are not obligated

You know that feeling when theres so much noise, and its so crowded and it makes you feel tired, out of air and that's its all just too much ? I feel that way sometimes and as I came home today I could feel the tension within me and the tears started to flow. I had just come from the supermarket, taken a jogging trip around the whole city and walked through the parks and before that helped a friend move into her new apartment. Theres life, and everything is fine, I'm fine and nothing feels hopeless anymore. So why the tears ? Sometimes you just feel that way, and you need time to just breathe. We need to let ourselves cry, and there should be no shame. Where all just human, its good to remember, that's what my dad once told me, and Its true. Its such a simple message and yet it can be used to understand so many things. In addition to this anxiety of mine, he knows about my trust issues and he wanted to remind me of that we all make mistakes. Just because someone s

It's always good to write, especially to write down your feelings, to get clarity. The University School psychologist thought me a few years ago to write a positive journal. The idea was to remind myself of whats good that going on in my life. It helped a lot, to see the positive in the things that have happened, what I've learnt and how it made me stronger and what good I can see in this day. slowly it helped to change my way of thinking. So now I don't have to write down a list or a journal everyday. It's in the way that I feel. And first I thought that it was all about writing down all the things I learnt, the fun things that are happening right now and what I should look forward too. But with time I realised that its much more than that, For myself I adapted that positive writing to use whenever I start to feel anxious. Important here to know about anxiety, if you didn't already, is that it comes as waves (at least mine does) you don't have it all the

Don`t force yourself into situations or to stay in them to please others, think about whats best for you, where do you feel comfortable? find your own path, let yourself breathe.

In the last post I`ve written a lot about family, me thinking about my own future family, my kids and their safety and well being and so on. Well that mixed with I miss you but please don't show up yet, might have gotten a bit confusing.. (?) At least I started to be a bit confused on what I was really trying to say, and not get to much lost of track, or this path that I'm trying to follow. And No, I don't want engagement, marriage, kids or even a relationship yet, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't keep my eyes open. Because you never know.. Well, anyway. Here`s my view about that (or my idea of a healthy approach when looking for that future someone); Friends first, always *. That way you can get to know someone as they are, slowly. Take time to do that. As I said so many times before, at least I feel that I need that time. Both to just be and grow to be whole, but also to get time to know people around me. I don't think you should search for a re

Guys.. Men.. O where to start. Trying to keep your hopes up when you're single, that the one guy who makes it true is out there somewhere, its a struggle, very often a disappointing one, sometimes in a way that you might even be able to laugh about it. It can also easily lead to heartbreak. As a single girl myself I always do my best to keep my chin up, to not lose faith in that theres still some good hearted guys out there, that "Mother Nature, has done what she had to do and rearrange the sky" So that we could all, when the time would be right, find that perfect guy for us. I also do my best to not lose faith in myself, but sometimes I get that thought in my head," well... you are weird, and maybe a bit... " and if I followed that thought I might easily lower my standards and for a moment stop believing in my own chances of ever landing a good guy, and someone id actually feel a connection with. . There would be a risk to easily fall for the bad ones. But

I wanted to write down a list of facts that I find important to say, but that I either don't want to make entire post of due to their negativeness ( if that makes any sense ?) or simply because I cant find any other place to fit them. Even though some things might be difficult to reflect on, Ive found that its important to be aware of them all. Only that way can you truly start growing towards something better, get closer to becoming whole.  As time goes by I`ll most likely keep on filling this list with other facts that Id like to share but fit no where else.. But first, here are some;  He never hit me, I want you to know that. Am I angry ?  I used to be, and it really hit me after I left him. I wrote a lot about my experiences then, to blow of some steam but also get some clarity. I wrote of everything that led to it and about it ( some experiences from my childhood included and every little detail that happened during those four years, every emotions I could reca

I went out hiking this weekend Sometimes when you get out in the nature you remember to think clearly, you stop for a second and get closer to yourself than ever. Watching over the quiet lake reminded me of how thankful I am of my own vulnerability as well as my strength and the fact that Im still standing. Im thankful for no longer being there, in that down-dragging mess that could have been my future, Im thankful that Im here, right here and still breathing, but without the feeling of hopelessness in my chest. As night came, we; that is us scout leaders and some of the kids, did something that I secretly always dream of, we searched out a clearing from the trees where we then laid on our backs to watch over the clearest starry sky. Again I was reminded of how thankful I am to just breathe, even though it some days almost breaks me in to pieces that your not here yet..I started thinking of where you are.. Im thankful for the time that I have to get back in touch with the per

Do you ever ask yourself, Where is this going ? Should I trust him/her? Or is this something worth fighting for ? Ever since I started having crushes, meeting guys, beginning relationships (yes I dated someone for a year after the abusive relationship), theres a thing that I have done. I`ve asked for a sign that would show me which way to turn. When I was younger and before I entered those 4 years of my life that brought me a lot of doubt, difficulty to trust and fear of that what I don't know, I asked for a good positive sign, something that would say, this Is something good, this is worth a shot. I was a forever optimist. After my experiences it has turned around, I always seem to ask for that other thing, Show me now if theres something I should know.. jank me out of it if this is not the road to follow.. Yeah.. I guess as I'm writing this I'm starting to sound like a Optimist/pessimist Pocahontas, You know, her and the Grandma Wisdom Tree :D ?  I mean I do have a B

Yes I'm writing, and its late.. very late. I found out about something today, and to be honest it was something I was expecting. Hes seeing someone else. The reason I was expecting it was not because I knew, I mean how could I have known, he lives far far away, lets just say that there`s a whole lot of water between us. I was Expecting it because I always expect the worst, or that something might not go as  hoped, there are no fairy tales. Just so that I wouldn't get hurt again. But still I believe in love, I always have and always will. I don't know if that makes any sense right now.. but I do.  I was on my way to a student party, after our written discussion, I felt a bit bad, like something I was waiting for wasn't there anymore, in my head, still right before this I had that thought; he was going to show me around London.. but I went anyway, not to drink my mind to a haze, but to continue living my life, because that's what big girls do.. And yes, naturally I th