Roar in the Afterglow

This will be a short one, You can find more (and on having anxiety and being hsp/empath) under  why I don´t slam doors and my own wellbeing I try to understand you and my own effect on you so that I can support you as a friend, forgive you as a partner, and paint a truthful picture in my heart and head. That leads me to the part where I do it for me, my well-being, my view on us and outlook towards the future people I may meet- I try to understand you (and me) so that I can see you and us as we were and are, but erase the possible monster that I see when things get dark, I try to shine in the light that´s all. I can heal the fearful doubt for others that arises in me, to not paint them over so relentlessly. They deserve that just as much as you and me. 

Looking within ourselves, internalizing our flaws and learning from them (and doing so throughout life- being human is a constant process) can hurt, we can feel shame, embarrassment, and like we are a hopeless case in the eyes of others.  With my own anxiety, overthinking, over-fixing, over-talking, over-dwelling, I am more than familiar with having to take a look at myself and go through the pain of self-evaluation.  Do it with love, and empathy.  Talk to yourself like a humble friend, but ask for growth.  And stop expecting perfection from yourself, learn to live and love yourself as an imperfect constantly evolving being. Life is not black and white. It is a grey-zone full of possibilities to fuck up in smaller and bigger ways. But learn how to face them and try to change them for the better, with warmth and acceptance. Do not be afraid of yourself, your flaws or your anxieties.  Vulnerability is the most important skills in finding our true authentic selves and from there the coura

They told me to stop angering it (your otherwise closed up mood) but it turns out that it was excactly what was needed for us to get to its roots. You bottled up all the pain, never let them hear it.. just went along with anything that made you grind your teeth, you never spoke up about how the world and words around you makes you feel- not even to me... before it was all bottled up and rolled out in hopeless frustration and anxiety.. will you ever be heard for what you need, can anyone understand how painful the daily rejection feels ? But you bottled up, went along. Even if it made you gringe just to be forced to listen to the radio.. ADD childhood/school trauma triggering sounds go on.  Let them know, and just how hurtful it makes you feel, and let them know about the triggering pain caused by RSD.  They can not know what they can not see. Same goes for any feeling of not beeing heard or seen, explain how it hurts if you feel like an action or comment is mean. I promise you, no one

It all makes so much sense now,  The fear of failure and rejection, The fear of trying, throw the towel in The anger, the impulsivity, the anxious control. The demand to have others fit your likes and needs, The hiding, the running from reality  The need to be understood for the life that comes with your anxious ADD I've hidden it a bit out of respect, but   please read  what this RSD in our relationship meant. 

  You are not a monster, so let's call it by its name. How a defensive response  to perceived or felt rejection, or felt failure,  is sent out to cause pain. And how partly untreated Anxiety and ADD can cause things to derail, they are all related, but I believe you can work to break the chain. ---------------------- You have a good heart, lets start of with that. Remember my depressive days and the long walks we had, how you waited on me for an hour in the forest when I was too distracted and did not care enough to show up when we had planned ? I took you for granted and you gave me your time. You showed me kindness, never told me to hide, I felt like I mattered, I knew that you cared, that is how I fell in love with you- you were always there. Countless long nights waiting as I closed the pub, you really needed to rest, but I asked you to come, you came even if the noise and crowds made you numb. You really do know how to treat someone you love. In

A little story; -But first read a  A perfect match He laughed at her joke, her hilarious ways for self-expression always made him smile. They shared adventures far away, hilly roads, broke down buses, odd local foods and sheep on the way, and right in their livingroom- a sofa had to be assembled for movie and pizza nights, the herbs they followed each morning grew taler. The neighbour next door was playing the 12 am bassoon, so they got up and danced as there was nothing else they could do. He loved her spontaneous ways, she loved how he looked at her when she acted this way. All these crazy stories they could tell their children some day, even as they grew older these moments never ended, they stayed just the same. He loved her for the brightness in her face when she did that which made her happy, it was not his cup of tea, honestly he could not always understand it, but he could appreciate the joy it brought her. He was thankful that she had found herself, he would always support her

  So what are my problems (still to this day)? *continense to my previous post about taking responsibility and ownership  As I have written here before I suffer from strong anxiety waves that I have gotten to know and acknowledge over the past 8 years, ever since my self-discovery began. The anxiety waves that sometimes lead into a feeling of panic are mostly physical and pass in a few minutes, to often return again and so that goes on for a while until my mind or body has found its calm. Heavy, head, pounding heart, throat closing up, sweating, feeling like I am in danger and should run even though I might be looking at a family of ducks on a pretty calm lake while eating an ice-cream. I am no longer afraid or ashamed of them and happy to talk about that if anyone is interested or would like to share about their own experience. I am also about to meet with a doctor to discover whether or not I have an anxiety/panic-disorder, would be interesting and informative to get an answer.  I do

I wanted to write the following post about mental health struggles and the importance of dealing with it, both for ourselves and in order to not drown the loved ones around us- show empathy and take responsibility. I myself had worked on all these things for years- writing, talking, getting rid of shame, practicing healthy self-love as well as understanding towards others. I met with professionals until I moved abroad where I then re-gained my confidence that had been lost throughout my life. I thought I was done healing until my return back home years later last fall, reminded me of the past with its still present trauma related panic-attacks and my always present anxiety (something I have explored in this blog before). My now former partners undealt struggles including fully accepting and taking ownership for his condition, anxiety, impulsivity, moodswings caused by both bottled up hurt and needed attentive stimulant medication and avoiding/quiting supportive therapy also dug up my

This past year has been a hellride as we both fought our anxieties. You wanted answers for us and I wanted you to stay back home where I sent you in September; find work, a path, structure, help, stability- I wanted it so bad that I caused you more anxiety, to which you wanted to fly back here and hold me immediately as that would extinguish the pain and the truth- at least momentarily. You realized that that was wrong, you would not be able to stay for long, ADD and Anxiety was knocking on your door. Many ups and downs, your moodswings, and tears of mine saying "listen and fix this" later you wished/anxiously demanded for me to come to you- but I knew that it would not be the answer, tell you the truth it scared me. I would feel lonely as a person can be. That is what your recently discovered diagnosis does to me. You need to learn to live with yourself and no one can tell you how that should be (the therapist and loved ones can advice you but you are your own key) - you wi