Roar in the Afterglow

Live with all your heart,  and never feel ashamed for trying every mistake, has a silver lining be grateful for all that you may learn Life is too short to doubt every move, every turn Listen, and never be ashamed of being true Stay curious, humble, and always be you respect yourself and those around you,  - thank them for their honesty too Life is meant for living, so never dim your light Pause in your steps,  breathe and shine on bright. 

Anxiety, as you well may or may not know is a crippling feeling. It affects your heartbeat, brainwaves, thoughts, assumptions and actions there after.  The good thing however is that the horse can be tamed;  - breaks to your ever spinning wheel (like medicine; serotonin I bow to you, self-discovery, honesty and a little bit of love and laughter at the solutions your mind would like to rush you in to) can be put in place and, for the most part, maintained.  Plus, be kind to yourself when you hit a set-back, these things are bound to happen. You are after all only human. not one of those floating zen creatures with a crystal on you forehead able to have insight and clarity to peoples intentions through the power of mind reading (damn.)- but hey neither are you the Hulk. Phew.   Sometimes it is social anxiety- to me this tends to happen when I walk into an acquaintance, note that I do not have the same problem with close friends or strangers. But there is something...

Are you also struggling in social situations when small talk is exchanged ? Do you, like me, feel like a awkwardly jolly firecracker or a burst of rainbows trying to fit in with the beige that the situation seems to require and everyone else seems content with and managing ? I often wonder how it seems to come so easy to others.. -Side note;  I am lucky to say that through finding myself later in adult life I have found hobbies that fit my personality- and friends who do not look or walk away, but join me in my charades or big deep and sudden topics(and who's brain seems to vividly and unapologetically work the same way). Also, similar to you or not- true friends will adore (and sometimes tolerate) your silly ways.  Its not to say that I can't act plain, I can play the beige card- laugh subtly, not make too much noise, stay calm and only stick to beige topics, like; hows school, hows work, hows the food, was it a long drive.. ? And I can even stay quiet, shove myself aside. No...

I do not know if the people around me through these past 10 years understand how much they mean to me- how they shaped so many "firsts" for me. Firsts after I freed myself in order to live and breathe freely (despite the fear/distrust I had for what I would end up drawing to myself in this world, and my place in it), firsts after I broke my mental shackles and left him behind.  Most moments- happy and sad, and teaching- I embrace (or at least later reminisce) with gratitude. I live each day (from the inside out and by taking the outside in) and grow. We are never fully healed (and our traumatic pattern among else puts bumps to the road) but to still be walking ahead is a gift. I am thankful.  Just to Be Here. Growing.  I haven't always been easy to be around (anxiety, panic and a rambling mind/mouth) and I want to apologize for anyone I have "run over" and not heard. But I want you to know that I am aware, and thank you for being there. There are several moments...

I mentioned before what I am currently grateful of, and now I wanted to take you a bit deeper in to one of those things. Dating (getting to know) men as friends.  The main reason I do this is in order to find hope in men again, rise my standards for how men who I let into my life can behave- not lower them.  - I will not rush into anything, but simply give time to get to know good and emotionally and socially mature human beings (* single men over the age of 30- but all good-hearted contacts bring be hope in humanity). I want to get to know them and them to get to know me. I want genuine human connection, friendships. Not short sighted flings based on me giving in (putting out). I want relationships, friendships that will last regardless of our status. True friendship (and trust in that person) should not be valued any less even if a romantic relationship (or sex) does not turn out of it.  - On top of that I want to give it time to get to know them (and build that trust)....

I wanted to write about people out there, human beings, and the joy it can bring simply to know that they exist. And even if we only got to have them in our lives briefly.  I recently went solo travelling once more, and met inspiring people at the hostel and among the locals as I opened my eyes and let my notion explore. There are those in life I only came to met briefly and those I knew for longer, but who turned into a memory as we no longer (for one reason or another) shared a path. I can, and have learned, to appreciate their gift to the world (and to themselves) in simply being human and growing into becoming who they need. As well as being able to find thankfulness and (if needed) strength, in life´s uplifting simplicity.  - There were the kind hostel workers, mostly young men- still finding their feet, still not knowing where they wanted to be, but thankful for their wonderful community. - There was a girl in the bed above me- the first night she arrived we giggled as I...

As we celebrate this merry Christmas, try to remember that it is different for all. Not everyone has the grocery store commercial family and close knit jolly relatives. Not everyone looks forward to Christmas the same.  There are those with the inappropriately handsy uncle or cousin, there are eyes that look away and truths that are not allowed to be said; self-protection that is not appreciated to be expressed. There are those with racist or homophobic parents, a yelling father with too much to drink, an angry stressful mother, there are those who always experienced Christmas as a showcase of silverware and anxious hold of breath, there are homes where the children's voices and emotions were never met- as long as the tree is symmetric and perfect on all sides, they do not notice when you sit in the bathroom every year and hide.  There are those who left gladly, and only come for a quick visit when they feel comfortable and emotionally safe, there are those who now post-childh...

T oday I received some of my old (and a school support workers) mental health journals from 2011-2013, I needed them when applying for insurance coverage for my current therapy sessions. It was during these years that my life truly took a full turn (and remember- a full turn does not mean that everything after then goes in a straight smooth line- healing is a process, but one thing is for certain- that full turn from where I was to where I arrived within myself truly saved me).  I read the notes in the journal- one visit at a time, how a teacher and my classmates supported me to get to the first appointment. How everything was dark, about me and all else- but not the thing that was truly tearing me- that one I struggled to see. I saw me and myself as a pit-hole- what came to me I had to accept and whenever I fought I fought for the wrong things- my anger, pain and sadness was everywhere, but mostly aimed at myself.  It took a few years, I made appointments, I showed up a few t...

A life lived It is not about winning or being right, mistakes happen, and we fail at times Life is about living, and learning-  (despite the outcome) - their essence is printed in the journey So learn to laugh at yourself from the inside when its needed, let your gratefulness for life shine through and learn to apologies to yourself and others, be humble and unafraid to learn to do better- there are times that is needed too. Live and grow, wholeheartedly,  no fear for showing flaws perfectly imperfect that should be your most important cause.  - to my mother (and father) Tiny House of Wheels A cup of warm tea in my hands as the sun closes in on the rain. It smells of freedom to be living this way. Striped from material, with large windows, and a tiny yet open and cozy kitchen. A fireplace to warm my feet. A whisky barrel as my bathtub and a sauna to bring the heath. A fluffy bed with a window in the ceiling. Bookshelves along the walls. a sofa from where I can see the sta...

This is a post about what I deserve, and why I left an engagement ring behind at nearly 30 and how that decision was never made out of anger but out of love. I am not afraid to learn and grow, neither within a relationship or on my own, But relationship requires teamwork, Capability to look beyond ourselves, See our impact from the eyes of someone else, For pain we cause we do not run or look away, we deal with it and listen to the words they have to say. It is hard, I know, it is called growing pain. Love is much more then a dance under the stars,  it is measured when the growing pain starts, it will happen once in a while,  But love grows stronger through empathetic communication, each and every time.  We are all human, and h ave our ways effecting the ride.  I t is building trust that gets us through the tide. I deserve a teammate beyond all else, so without it I can let go of the milestone ” engaged before 30” that was ahead. More important than getting h...

I wanted to write the following post about mental health struggles and the importance of dealing with them, both for ourselves and in order to not drown the loved ones around us- show empathy and take responsibility. I myself had worked on all these things for years- writing, talking, getting rid of shame, practicing healthy self-love as well as understanding towards others. I met with professionals until I moved abroad where I then re-gained my confidence that had been lost throughout my life. I thought I was done healing until my return back home years later last fall, reminded me of the past with its still present trauma related panic-attacks and my always present anxiety. My now former partners un-dealt struggles dug up my buried anxiety and trauma infused fears, panic hit within me. Mental health struggles do not only hurt you, they also suffocate the loved ones around you. I wanted to take responsibility. Life is too short and humans around us are too loved and important not to...

It was not your fault, you are not to blame. For with another open hearted person they would have done just the same. You believed in good, and please always do. There is nothing wrong in loving something we believe to be true. But know this, it is inside of you- that love they told you were missing, they painted void and blue.  You are not lacking- only finding your strength, Never doubt your own pillars my friend.  Shame on those who sweep us off our feet, take us for a dance as they question our knees. There should be no shame in getting in and out of a dance, a rhythm we were shaken to as we tried to stand. True love lets us take all the time we need, it does not leave us feeling guilty for not jumping off our feet. Neither does it pressure, it gives us space to find within us what we need. True love lets us breathe.   -to my friend, a gardener

I wanted to write about male self acceptance, both physical and otherwise. The idea of the ideal man. Strength, a pack of six and brave as a bull. No- humans are not Captain America- or whatever character your head might turn you too. And. p.s I am sure this fictional character has troubles too. like unwanted body hair. or anxiety. Do not let the cameras fool you. Neither do they look like Adonis- and if you or your friend does (or get close to it), congratulations. it is all a pleasant bonus.  But that's the thing- bonuses; fit, guitar skills and the energy and streak of luck to create a start up company like all the millenials- no matter how appreciated, they are just that. a cherry on top of the sundae. The Sundae being You. Now before this gets to ice cream referenced let me rephrase that. You are enough. Honesty, a warm embrace. It does not matter if there is or isn't dandruff sometimes. Love handles. Oily skin or a beard that will never start growing even if y...

I wanted to write something about going on adventures of your own- even after you found someone who would walk there beside you to any  corner of the world. Now, this might not fit everyone's idea of a relationship- but it is an important value and hope in mine. With so much time spent walking this earth solo, making plans and taking planes, hikes- breathing out after a past I left behind- I have grown fond of this feeling- the freedom, the time to myself. It is a part of me I will always need- a hug that no one else could give.  Being someones companion- team- does not always mean walking with you, beside you- literary. It is just as much about giving space- showing understanding. Be happy for the other part going out there in the world and gaining the strength and peace that they need. And I guess in a lot of ways staying sane for themselves- and through that for others. Understanding that, is love.  So, there will be times when I need me, breath in, remind myself tha...

I deserve to pack my bags of worry and leave it in safe hands, I deserve to get back to my life, and the love for it that was always there, I deserve to breathe, adventure, run ..be free I deserve to absorb the sunshine, I deserve to get back to me, Thank you life for reminding me. 

Naked bodies. Thank god for those. And No, I am not talking about a surgically enhanced cover of a magazine. Or any add for any make-up or wrinkle cream.. something to to tuck things in, straighten out a wrinkle, a stretch mark. you name it. I am talking about bodies, Real Bodies. Life. A few weeks ago my good friend mentioned to me about how thankful she is, and how lucky we are as Finns, to have grown up with nudity, saunas and PE- classes at the local pool- with changing rooms for all the generations. To from the age of 8 get to see breast thrown up over a shoulder, big granny pants, shower caps and hair in places that Cosmopolitan would not dare to mention it in its newest section on smooth summer skin. That is being lucky. So damn lucky. We know what real women look like. A body changes with life. Without that change the one inside it would not have fully lived. To see the determined face as she enters the pool. A wrinkled laughter, all parts sagging- slightly loose. She f...

As a child we could do unsuccessful cart wheels followed by a smiling grin,  we did not think much of what they thought, no worries rolling in. Until teenage life put on its spin. "You're great but.."over and over started following a few years later, No wonder we now set out to break our own heart, no wonder we diminish ourselves in advance. "I'm a bit crazy, and I'm not that smart, and clumsy.. yeah you saw that from far." Nervous laughter, and on the inside we are thinking.. we ruined this from the start. This is how we break our own heart. But what if we could sit in that swing again, smile with a grin all the way through and till the end. No worry or embarrassment of what we would have raised in their thoughts. just us, as ourselves, and the right people will never be lost. Unbreak your heart.

A Little poem I wrote;  in accordance with  Little Sparrow  and  To learn to see all of you with new eyes (self perception after leaving an abusive relationship) Awkward laugh, skinny arms or floppy belly. Every inch, every sound. - This story, I am telling It is a part of me. It is who I am. Through every hurdle they held my hand. So I will not hide, put walk forward with pride, To every single part, I will be kind. 

Sometimes life gives us lemons… we stumble and hurt our knee, we did not get enough sleep, we run into our date while looking like shit, we make mistakes, were out of luck and end up missing out on something.. a fun event or that one type of cheese we had planned on buying, the sudden weather does not suit our outfit.. we get grumpy, frustrated.. angry, a small thing could set the tone for the rest of the day. However, I wan't you to be aware that I did think about those cases where there is so much else that is lurking behind the reason for our mood. There are the cases where we are going through hardships, when the making of lemonade just really feels like a tasteless joke. Positive thinking, when going through a tough time- that one might sometimes be a hard nut to crack. I used to struggle with this, live a life where everything seemed gray.. well it was gray.. I was gray, I guess what I am trying to say here is that sometimes this type of thinking just does not cut ...

I am writing this from a lovely (but slightly chaotic at the moment) cafe just around the corner from where I live. The jazz is quite distractive but mixed with the cold September weather outside it can not help but to put a smile on my face. An older man sitting next to me tells me about a leg injury he got from martial arts and that he now, several years later, will receive treatment for it, as well as how life, if you allow to see it that way- is beautiful.. and that karma is not a bitch, only if you stir it up yourself. There are owl ornaments on the wall as well as a few guitars, and the Turkish family that own the cafe are having broccoli on the table next to me.  Anyway...  let me get back to what I had on my mind for today..I wanted to write about Letting go of the fear of being rejected . Lately I haven not been able to go out for drinks, or to clubs or any of those other scenarios where you might meet someone (whether clubs and Saturday nights are really the rig...