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Its been 10 years

 Well the real mark for this 10 year anniversary took place around the 8th of August, but I did not have anything on my mind then/ so let me try this now. 


I do not know if the people around me through these past 10 years understand how much they mean to me- how they shaped so many "firsts" for me. Firsts after I freed myself in order to live and breathe freely (despite the fear/distrust I had for what I would end up drawing to myself in this world, and my place in it), firsts after I broke my mental shackles and left him behind.  Most moments- happy and sad, and teaching- I embrace (or at least later reminiscen) with gratitude. I live each day (from the inside out and by taking the outside in) and grow. We are never fully healed (and our traumatic pattern among else puts bumps to the road) but to still be walking ahead is a gift.

I am thankful. 

Just to Be Here.

Growing. 

I haven't always been easy to be around (anxiety, panic and a rambling mind/mouth) and I want to apologize for anyone I have "run over" and not heard. But I want you to know that I am aware, and thank you for being there.

There are several moments/and chapters; backpacking tour team (when I found my first wings), living arrangements (Canterbury and London flatmates), jokes at the pub among co-workers (even when I was just watching and did not know how to contribute), a walk down a street in the Algarve with a friend filled with laughter, long-haul flight company and so many friends + cups of tea, -  that I value and still go back to in my mind. If they only knew what cornerstones of gratitude their presence (and the moment/chapter they were apart of) have been (and still are) in my life. 

I am grateful that I get to breathe again, and that I left my life with you behind. 

Everyday (good or bad) is a new page- 

I am no longer helplessly fading, while stuck in your cage. 


My body is mine, even though mentally it took me some years,  

ps read. To learn to see all of you with new eyes

Your former imprint on my self-image has lots its hold, I am not what you made of me or the degrading image that you painted for those friends you had around. 

I can see my reflection, I can dance with a mirror without shifting my gaze, 

I can look into my eyes without tears. 

This woman has found, within herself, the one thing you could never take away. 

My joy for life, and the girl you wanted to break. 

She kicks ass- and she is not afraid. 

And her body- well it is still the one and the same, but your touch has been replaced by the love in my gaze (it has taken her across rough terrains, adventures, mountains and complex cities- this body of hers- the one and the same). 

ps. read: To every single part of me


This world might be scary, unpredictable and strange

Its not easy to find the bravery to take new chances, to walk out into the world knowing that at times you might find a spot that hurts (possibly react out of trauma), or stumble and fail.

But I choose to be grateful for every step I take, 

to keep on growing and exploring, without skipping a single page. 


I am no longer fading, 

I am living with embrace. 







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