Roar in the Afterglow

If a product could talk, told you where it came from and how it was made, how its creators were feeling and how long of a journey it had to take, - would you still want to buy it, put a chip into this game ? How much did its bargain price and mass produced parts take away from the birds, monkeys and trees ? How much is our air polluted for our (pointless) wants and needs ? And once it was sold, who got the profit ? The stockmarket, a mansion or someones needing pocket ? So in 2019, support Fair-trade, sustainable, local or independently made, or buy the already produced ones -no double footprint, re-use the same. Give back to the planet what you take, a charity or a hard working maker this way. 

I wanted to write about male self acceptance, both physical and otherwise. The idea of the ideal man. Strenght, a pack of six and brave as a bull. No- humans are not Captain America- or whatever character your head might turn you too. And. p.s I´m sure this fictional character has troubles too. like unwanted body hair. or anxiety. Don't let the cameras fool you. Neither do they look like Adonis- and if You or your friend does (or get close to it), congratulations. it is all a pleasant bonus (for the most part.. love island flavio is nothing to go for). But that's the thing- bonuses; fit, guitar skills and the energy and streak of luck to create a start up company like all the millenials- no matter how appreciated, they are just that. a cherry on top of the sundae. The Sundae being you. Now before this gets to ice cream referenced let me rephrase that. You are enough. Honesty, a warm embrace. It does not matter if there is or isn't dandruff sometimes. Love handle

I wanted to write something about going on adventures of your own- even after you found someone who would walk there beside you to any  corner of the world. Now, this might not fit everyones idea of a relationship- but it is an important value and hope in mine. With so much time spent walking this earth solo, making plans and taking planes, hikes- breathing out after a past I left behind- I have grown fond of this feeling- the freedom, the time to myself. It is a part of me I will always need- a hug that no one else could give.  And Yes I am aware that I wished for a companion to all of this once I was whole- and I still do. But being someones companion- team- does not always mean walking with you, beside you- literary. It is just as much about giving space- showing understanding. Be happy for the other part going out there in the world and gaining the strenght and peace that they need. And I guess in alot of ways staying sane for themselves- and through that for others. Understanding

Follow kindness,  it really is that simple.  sometimes when you're captured by the mess of usual choices they are standing right there, you only start to notice them when you step out and see it clear.  a space to breathe was the first, joy was the second, now I'm gratefully dancing and tapping my feet, you ask me if I'm cold and how many movements I can do to this beat.  Endless I tell you, you see kindness was the key, It lifted me up to where I deserve to be.  - to my dads golden advice- 

I deserve to pack my bags of worry and leave it in safe hands, I deserve to get back to my life, and the love for it that was always there, I deserve to breathe, adventure, run ..be free I deserve to absorb the sunshine, I deserve to get back to me, Thank you life for reminding me. 

One of those things (among many) that my parents thought me, and that rises after the anxious attempts to reach and care, is that in the end of the day there is nothing we can do or say to make someone else change their mind.  The more we try to point out the pain and harm we see in the direction they decided to take/or that they slowly..maybe unknowingly fall in to.. the more they feel like hiding.. running straight to it, maybe it's shame, maybe its proving others wrong... but the more we raise our concern.. the more they will run.. and the less they will listen.  We each have to make our own mistakes (or at least take the blow and learn incase it turns out to be one), this is the only way to grow. We can not stop them from rolling in what we think might be poison.. maybe it's really just berry juice.. either way that is their mystery to solve.  We have to hit the ground in order to know just where we do not want to be.  And when it hurts, and we still remember what

I wanted to write something about holding on to if, maybe, someday and the idea of whether their grandma would like to knit herself and you matching socks. And about that road trip through breathtaking land and cabins with fireplaces (based of what they did with their friends). Social media plays a big role in the way we perceive people we think we know. We have an attachment to half of their family before we even met them- and picture ourselves in their lifestyle and adventures before they even taken the time (or energy) to invite us for a walk to the local park..or pub. Fantasies are taking the upper hand- pure gasoline and fogg for a romantic soul (hopeful..or even addict). We keep on looking after what we want to see, what our heart wants to believe in. Building an attachment with their childhood neighbourhood and family vacations before they´ve (the person we´re dating) even gone out of their way to show us that they truly want us in their lives. Social media can be a good inf

You know the uncomfortable feeling you get each time you hear the soundtrack (or That beat) from the cult classic Jaws ? What would it be like if that feeling effected your sensors physically (and you felt the tunes and beat like a deep drum) and then that heavines got stuck on repeat for a while.. a few hours ? or maybe went away only to return as soon as the bus drove a bit to close to the curve and heavily hit it's backside against the concreate with barely no sound ? And as the heavines hit you and all your sensors where overloading (lump in your throath, rope around your heart- pulling and releasing, heatwaves) you would have needed a quiet space- a neutral blank page to calm the engines down- gather yourself, but instead you are faced with crowds, the bus, grocery shop, the world does not stop turning.  There are many different things that a Highly Sensitive Person (about 15 % of the population) can find as their cryptonite..or in less Marvel words- stressors. There are noi

I wanted to write about why I "even waste one thought one these complicated human relations", why do I put so much energy into it, why do I care ? I have several friends who do not waste a second thought on complications, confusion or resolvement. They simply walk away and save their energy. But I have never been capable of doing that, although do not get me wrong- I can walk away without a second thought from bad first and second dates or those Russian Rulett App- conversations. But as soon as we share about are past, fears, hopes and talk with open hearts (and I will ask for deeper, otherwise there is no going forward in the relationship, date or friend) I start to connect.  Anyone who has ever heard of the term Empath or HSP can understand or relate. I believe, after much self search and understanding that I belong in that category. Although I have to say I do not like that word- Empath, it just sounds very "perfect and higher ground" to me. Empaths can m

You need yourself, it is a crisis- you told that to me. That one of the biggest reasons to your misery and even anger is that everything and everyone is pulling you in different directions. You filled your life with things to do- people to see,(feel preassured) but lately you haven´t had time for a connection to that inner "Me".  You find yourself lost in who you want to be.  If you are not sure on what you want- and not dating is where you feel like you need to be. Then it would probably be smartest not to try again with an ex as she approached you while she was going through a hard time. If you feel responsible for her in some way- do not misslead her in any way.  Tell her what you need, that there are simply not enough hours in the week. That you need to focus on you before you go numb (or loose it) maybe she will understand and let go of the frustration she is feeling towards you for not spending enough time with her. This will also show you if her feelings for you ar

I wanted to write about disputes, arguments, exchange of thoughts over text. How it takes so much energy and only afterwards you start to put together what the other person meant. It is easy to flip over and make a huge mess out of nearly nothing when we read and write simultaniously. Sections of that to which we already angrily replied- land on the thread after and behind. It is a mess. No that I´ve taken time to breathe I can see both of our thoughts clearer. I deleted the texts- all we wrote infact, just to keep myself from going back. There were so much that I think we understood, yet with the over hanging intensity and bad upset mood, some pieces got no answer (or yelled at) so I will write that down here for you. - I never knew you wanted me to wait for you - I would have if you had showed me something to hold on too (like a grounded carrying friendship- it is not only about how often you meet). I know it´s not fair on you to say- as you are still batteling with life and you

Do not say you didn´t think you could cause a heartbreak anymore-  since we just became friends from what we were before.  Don't you know that you are beautiful * ? It is not "just like that easy" to let go. You made an impact on me. With causion- ask yourself- can we really just continue from where we left ? Take care and concideration, the memory of your touch still lies within me, and when you smile- do not flirt - the way you did when it was you and me. Do not show more then you intend to keep. We are all beautiful human beings, and need to take our responsiblity.  To someone who did it unintentionally.  *beautiful= that you are longed for, someone who stayes in ones memory. 

Ever been in a confusing situation where all you wished for was some answers- no more mess, just clarity. and still afterwards you walk around wishing that you hadn´t pushed it, caused stress, a dispute- a wall ? That you could turn back time. Still knowing what you needed to know, but without this post-argument hollow feeling. Could you have done it in any other way ? - maybe you could have, but most likely not- you see tension builders are seldom a relaxed spot. Words will fly no matter what. This "Cat on the table guilt" is carving me today, Even though the words that were said came from good intentions & understading, it got intens. I do not want to cause you more tension (as you have enough with dealing with your mess.) Yet it is so stupid- if honesty had gaps- it had to be discussed, You can not build anything healthy on grounds you do not trust. I wanted it all out in the open, my mistakes/caused confusions included. We need to listen both ways. Sometime

In the wonderful world of dating are you also one who "tryes too hard" give's a 110% and is always understanding.. even to the point that the offers you make of "staying around" or adapting to their busy lifestyle and priorities, as well as your mental " If I just"- and "As long as I don´t"-battle are taking over all the good sides of you, your sanity, wellbeing, life.. The wonderfully sparkly and freely-breathing and life-exploring human being that you are ? Do you get sucked in and stuck by your own will-power and hope ? It is okey to give it your all, don't ever feel bad for that. .... but when you start to feel yourself hitting the walls of the box you both now are in- (or maybe you ar on the outside.. just stuck in the thought of helping him find his way out) desperatly trying to let some sunligt in.. and they're not helping (Even after you clearly communicated what you want- p.s. leave the "hint-throwing" for some

I'm not quite sure on what I want to write today, but feelings as usual have been running through me like anxious ants and greater understanding butterflies so I felt like It was just as well to put pen to paper (or well, finger to keyboard to be less poetic and true.. and also yes I can only write with one). I´ve thought about a person (oh you know how it is, boy meets girl.. butterflies, they boy asks if she wants kids, her head pictures a Volvo and his fam on a Sunday post engagement stroll in lake district.. , they boy is flaky, girl kind of knows why, cares anyway) the things is I can't shake it of my mind that at one point he really cared-you know, as much as he had the will to show it at that point, and then I told him I might be leaving the country, was away for the summer- we should just be friends for now he said. I announce I´m coming back and staying, he gets all flirty, agrees to go on an excursion to a lake with me, wonders what day I`m here (well, I`m here now.

He asked me what I want, so here it is; I want giggles, maybe on a rooftop. Because out in the open with the stars right above me I can breathe. I want a sudden Irish pub, a band, my excitement- from my heart to my feet. I want that cheers and long nights, unforgettable moments, that are shared with friends. I want you right there beside me, time and time again. I want a spontanious coffee or a street-food stroll. I want comedy night or a song that without walking into that place- that exact time- neither of us would have ever known. I want to know you- you in real life, outside four consistent walls. I want to explore this life with you, without you, find the ground for my feet.The one big thing here is, that I never again want to miss a beat. Take away, Netflix, convinient hours and chill- a protentious dinner at an uncomfortably protentious restaurant is not my thing. I need true effort, on a personal level- then and only then will my heart and mind truly say ´pling

Today I wanted to explore therapy (remember that on some level we are all nutters) And just to make it clear, my mumble jumble point of views are in no way scientific, just me and my head and all the little fairys. Anyway/ back on track (okay?). Ever thought about getting therapy- or heard someone say that they where receiving it or trying to get a referal, and you thought "Yikes", maybe even got slightly uncomfortable.  Everything is therapy. From Psychoanalysis and CBT, to Drawing class, watching the ocean or  eating a sandwich on the undeground. And at different times we need different kinds, but we all do undergo them, and we all need them. At least the one that should take place in our head all the time. Growth, learning- whether it is about ourselves, our strenghts or limits, or how to be around others- how to be there for our friends. Even everyday body acceptance (look into the mirror, and your eyes when you feel the grosest) & Calming down... And maybe yo

Alright, its hotter here then in a pepper`s belly, but im going to really try to write something now. Im sure I`ve mentioned this before in some way- and I have a feeling I wrote something along these thoughts a few years ago when I first started this blog, but thoughts evolve- or at least does the vibe in my writing (hopefully) so I decided to give this a go. Get my creative spirit going when all I want to do is melt. But no more excuses, I sort of breathe for this. First of all, am I the only one whos brain goes crazy hazy and shoots up to a 1000 when hearing a guy im casually dating say certain words, Do you want kids ? We see a volvo, a backyard, a family picnic, kids running down green fields with the dog like its Sound of Music, a proud look on a husbands face as he fixed the baseboard falling out of the wall and finally- Spagetti Bolognese. Okey maybe not in that specific order (or Specifically those things.. but you get my point) And then one day (like for example when we

Nope. Nothing bad has happened. The fact is just that I'm currently in my home country doing an internship. Spending the weeks in the capital (or main town as I recall that childhood me used to think it was called.. although that would have been the direct translation from both my mothertongues..oh well), the evenings at friends sofas and mattrasses- a few nights here, a week or two there, and the weekends in my hometown + the archipelago cabin 4 hours away. I'm a bit too much on the go to find a writers flow, I haven't even opened up my "Keep Growing" notebook which I do carry around, even on my lunchbreak, just incase. But nothing. Emotions arent intensed, not even my period is letting it kick in.. instead I'm sitting here, hot on a balcony in the burning sun (dont ask why.. I was only making it worse) while the other kind of pms.. the my body has a fever before it begins kind, is twitching through my body like a jojo. Things are good though, and I'

Naked bodies. Thank god for those. And No, I'm not talking about a surgically enhanced cover of a magazine. Or any add for any make-up or wrinkle cream.. something to to tuck things in, straighten out a wrinkle, a stretchmark. you name it. I'm talking about bodies, Real Bodies. Life. A few weeks ago my good friend mentioned to me about how thankful she is, and how lucky we are as Finns, to have grown up with nudity, saunas and PE- classes at the local pool- with changing rooms for all the generations. To from  the age of 8 get to see breast thrown up over a shoulder, big granny pants, shower caps and hair in places that Cosmopolitan wouldn't dare to mention it in its newest section on a smooth summer skin. That is being lucky. So damn lucky. We know what real women look like. A body changes with life. Without that change the one inside it wouldn't have lived. To see the determined face as she enters the pool. A wrinkeld laughter, all parts dragging- sligtly loos

This is a bit of a different one; I decided to make a list of observations I made here in my little London life the past month. - Here on Stroud Green Road, Next to the Big Yellow car-wash  there was an injured pigeon walking the street, a cat was chasing it. The bird could not fly and had no chance, a man came and picked up the pigeon and moved him to a safe location, my faith in humanity was restored. - I explained to the firealarm, (as it went off) not to worry- it was only burned toast. - If you observe me you will find that I always apologies to furniture I bump into. As I hit my toe I will most likely say something along these lines; "I'm sorry.. Auu.. &%#?, Auu.. And then I laugh or cry depending on the damage. I wonder how I would react if the door suddenly replied with a British politeness, - I'm starting to realise I'm a little bit of Ted Mosby, Bridget Jones and the Foxes that scream outside my window at night, they never give up on whatever the

If you wait long enough a new morning reveals. There are no failures You're a fighter She wakes up, he breathes. I don't care how long you stayed in bed, its not a competition, Wiggle youre toes for a while instead. You are still here- despite the hells you've been through It doesn't matter what they think, What matters is you. There are many reasons to shut down the lights, but the one that keeps on burning is the fact that youre still alive. I hope somewhere youre smiling, not for the world to see, but within yourself- for whatever reason it may be. I hope you find a reason to see the day until its end. And then.. A new morning reveals. You're a hero dear friend. .

We all want to love the person we fall in love with, we all want to tell them how much we cherish their strength, their capability of standing up, and staying that way. We all want to love someone for the smile they bring with them, for the laughter that now brightens up our face. But I want you to love her too. I am not my past, I left that behind. But I still hold her hand, till this day, always, and each and every night. I don't need you to love me that much, I know you already do. But she needs reassurance; that you would have loved her too. It wasn't pretty, I was a mess. But each night I tell her, I do not love her any less. Once someone I loved, used the word %#!?¤ when describing girls who...well lets say look for attention in obvious ways. I was her, before him and me- only my hope for love (how twisted it may have seemed) was within those walls and the paradigm of something that would never be received.  I don't even call money making ladies by

I'm the girl who dreams of flowers, but hopes for a text back. I'm the girl who's face lights up when hearing "maybe", but wishes so dearly that you would run for her through the airport tracks. I'm the girl who leaves a message so you could hear my voice, but almost never dares to ask you for a call (no pushing), it should be a simple choice. And when you then later text me, something short, funny, well were back on the same track. I'm the girl who would run a mile, just to see the smile on your face, I'm the girl who hopes that one day you would feel that way I'm the girl who is used to hear you thinking, "isn't it all one and the same ?" I'm the girl who's learnt the difference between daydreams and reality, but really- this cutting it short, it is a shame. ' I'm the girl who allows herself to hope that one day you'll suddenly cross the threshold to the bar, but I'm also the girl who knows- the t