I wanted to write about disputes, arguments, exchange of thoughts over text. How it takes so much energy and only afterwards you start to put together what the other person meant. It is easy to flip over and make a huge mess out of nearly nothing when we read and write simultaniously. Sections of that to which we already angrily replied- land on the thread after and behind. It is a mess.
No that I´ve taken time to breathe I can see both of our thoughts clearer.
I deleted the texts- all we wrote infact, just to keep myself from going back. There were so much that I think we understood, yet with the over hanging intensity and bad upset mood, some pieces got no answer (or yelled at) so I will write that down here for you.
- I never knew you wanted me to wait for you - I would have if you had showed me something to hold on too (like a grounded carrying friendship- it is not only about how often you meet). I know it´s not fair on you to say- as you are still batteling with life and yourself everyday- hoping to find yourself (with no time in your hands) someday. There are alot going on and I understand- you can not be there to hold others hand, you make mistakes and lack of time and headspace to care. But how do I know that the problem is only temporary- or will it always be there?
I thought I held on to only my hopes, so eventually (still missing you though) I made a decision to try to let go- I looked elsewhere, casually, I have my life to think of you see.
Do not know where it leads- and I do not take big steps too easily.
You told me "You did not exactly wait for me" (but what was I supposed to do, you told me months before that you did not think that the two of us was right for you.. besides when only hanging on to my hopes what was I supposed to do ?). Now you told me that you agreed with me- maybe in a year or two.
So there we were, you in a mess/personality crisis towards what you want and who you are, and me not knowing that you actually on some level felt that way about me and you. You knew I was seeing others and so when your ex came by- looking for something and you did not quite understand why- you decided to give it a try.
But you are not in the right place, neither do you have the time. She gets angry at you for your busy life- I hope that when you explain it to her she understands- you do need yourself, so give that a chance. Maybe one-day you´ll understand. But this is not my place- so I will leave it at that.
- That you did not tell me (or anyone) about your ex now coming back to your life as you did not understand it yourself or how you felt, that I understand. But if you felt like giving it a try- thats where you should have told me- as I had expressed my hopes for us. This (and with that one text later) is where I felt like you broke my trust. Did my feelings matter to you at all ? Before you invited me to your Monday run- it should have been something you should have told me- be honest with your intentions- thats all.
- When you got upset about me mentioning that it bothered me that when we where seeing eachother you only invited me for a date within your four walls (I invited you to the outside world) - this was not as much about me beeing upset about your lack of time- If you were really that busy I can now appreciate your efforts to try. My bad feeling came from what just being in that space- It made me feel like you where hiding me in some way.
- I've decided to believe you, I was never a secret to you- you did tell you friends back then about me and you.
- And about the flirting towards me the two times we met as friends (and that one remenising joking text last week)- that made me as I explained it to you very upset
Do not show me more closness than you intend to keep. Do not show me more than what you actually mean (especially if you are giving something else a try..only the text message is related to that time). Even though I understand- in the moment we may get lost- it happens easily...if feelings and attraction are still there it is hard to step back- but I am asking you, as a friend, take a second to think about how you act. It is not easy, these situations are tricky, how to turn the engine off ?- trust me within me I feel the same, but with trial, error and will to care- I want to believe that we can get there.
I do not know if he will read this- do not want to bother him anymore (less stress if I end the texting thats all) but always take a second look at what was said. Slammed doors should be opened and then delt with softly as we turn the page again. Wash the anger and disputes away. By clearing things up I can sleep again.
No that I´ve taken time to breathe I can see both of our thoughts clearer.
I deleted the texts- all we wrote infact, just to keep myself from going back. There were so much that I think we understood, yet with the over hanging intensity and bad upset mood, some pieces got no answer (or yelled at) so I will write that down here for you.
- I never knew you wanted me to wait for you - I would have if you had showed me something to hold on too (like a grounded carrying friendship- it is not only about how often you meet). I know it´s not fair on you to say- as you are still batteling with life and yourself everyday- hoping to find yourself (with no time in your hands) someday. There are alot going on and I understand- you can not be there to hold others hand, you make mistakes and lack of time and headspace to care. But how do I know that the problem is only temporary- or will it always be there?
I thought I held on to only my hopes, so eventually (still missing you though) I made a decision to try to let go- I looked elsewhere, casually, I have my life to think of you see.
Do not know where it leads- and I do not take big steps too easily.
You told me "You did not exactly wait for me" (but what was I supposed to do, you told me months before that you did not think that the two of us was right for you.. besides when only hanging on to my hopes what was I supposed to do ?). Now you told me that you agreed with me- maybe in a year or two.
So there we were, you in a mess/personality crisis towards what you want and who you are, and me not knowing that you actually on some level felt that way about me and you. You knew I was seeing others and so when your ex came by- looking for something and you did not quite understand why- you decided to give it a try.
But you are not in the right place, neither do you have the time. She gets angry at you for your busy life- I hope that when you explain it to her she understands- you do need yourself, so give that a chance. Maybe one-day you´ll understand. But this is not my place- so I will leave it at that.
- That you did not tell me (or anyone) about your ex now coming back to your life as you did not understand it yourself or how you felt, that I understand. But if you felt like giving it a try- thats where you should have told me- as I had expressed my hopes for us. This (and with that one text later) is where I felt like you broke my trust. Did my feelings matter to you at all ? Before you invited me to your Monday run- it should have been something you should have told me- be honest with your intentions- thats all.
- When you got upset about me mentioning that it bothered me that when we where seeing eachother you only invited me for a date within your four walls (I invited you to the outside world) - this was not as much about me beeing upset about your lack of time- If you were really that busy I can now appreciate your efforts to try. My bad feeling came from what just being in that space- It made me feel like you where hiding me in some way.
- I've decided to believe you, I was never a secret to you- you did tell you friends back then about me and you.
- And about the flirting towards me the two times we met as friends (and that one remenising joking text last week)- that made me as I explained it to you very upset
Do not show me more closness than you intend to keep. Do not show me more than what you actually mean (especially if you are giving something else a try..only the text message is related to that time). Even though I understand- in the moment we may get lost- it happens easily...if feelings and attraction are still there it is hard to step back- but I am asking you, as a friend, take a second to think about how you act. It is not easy, these situations are tricky, how to turn the engine off ?- trust me within me I feel the same, but with trial, error and will to care- I want to believe that we can get there.
I do not know if he will read this- do not want to bother him anymore (less stress if I end the texting thats all) but always take a second look at what was said. Slammed doors should be opened and then delt with softly as we turn the page again. Wash the anger and disputes away. By clearing things up I can sleep again.
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