Roar in the Afterglow

  There are many kinds of heartbreaks that one might go through in this lifetime; romantic (with all its numerous levels of attachment vs pain), those regarding relatives and family members, as well as friends- those we grew apart from and those who grew apart from us. Sometimes they are the ones who choose to step away, still they stay in your memory, each and every day. Missing someone yet honouring their choice not to choose you is a painful, yet growth-inclined and beautiful jouney to go through. You live your life, your adventures, with an echo of sorrow mixing into the sunsets, aurora borealis, lemon tagliatelle dinners on a busy piazza- even when surrounded with company, it even follows to the mountain tops and green pastures where the sheeps greet you as you cross the riverbend. Waterfalls might feel magnificent, but somewhere between the thundering rainbow burst of colour, there it is again. You love them regardless, no anger or resentment, just a wish that the...

What does true friendship mean to you ? To me it means that they will dance with you in any room like no one is watching (even though there might be other people around who would roll their eyes, feel second hand embarrassment or share and whisper into the rooms you move through). This dancing is of course a metaphor (but doesn't have to be), it could be referring to opening up, talking deep, listening wholeheartedly to both of your biggest worries or biggest dreams- it does not matter if those around do not think that deep- with me you can be you at any time any place, and I hope I can be that with you too. That is what true friendship means to me. We can laugh out loud or cry if we need to, be  as we are in that moment in time, in good and bad (as long as we work on ourselves, and hold ourselves, and each-other accountable) no-one is left (out of embarrassment) aside. That is a word that true friendship leaves behind.  When I was a child I was often embarrassed of myself, I ...

  We all struggle to see the flaws in in our ways and actions, as that requires us to reach down and pick at the pieces of our fragile tower, our home, ourselves.  But in order to grow in our relationship with others we need to listen to those around us (let them tell us what they need, how we sometimes hurt them, and how they feel). It is not an easy task- but truly listening (with an open heart) brings us closer to understanding one another and it helps wounds and towers broken bricks to heal. It is stronger and more lasting when it knows that it can (and will) face what is real.  Honesty.. and parts of that fragility disappear. Honesty.. we live our lives to the fullest, good, flawed and sincere. In life there are many times we need to face ourselves, and this is not the only, growth comes from facing our flaws and then tangling them, slowly;  Perhaps we left our own voices aside, then felt hurt and tired as we had to explain what our boundaries where like, we nev...

As we celebrate this merry Christmas, try to remember that it is different for all. Not everyone has the grocery store commercial family and close knit jolly relatives. Not everyone looks forward to Christmas the same.  There are those with the inappropriately handsy uncle or cousin, there are eyes that look away and truths that are not allowed to be said; self-protection that is not appreciated to be expressed. There are those with racist or homophobic parents, a yelling father with too much to drink, an angry stressful mother, there are those who always experienced Christmas as a showcase of silverware and anxious hold of breath, there are homes where the children's voices and emotions were never met- as long as the tree is symmetric and perfect on all sides, they do not notice when you sit in the bathroom every year and hide.  There are those who left gladly, and only come for a quick visit when they feel comfortable and emotionally safe, there are those who now post-childh...

This will be a short one, You can find more (and on having anxiety and being hsp) under  why I don´t slam doors and my own wellbeing I try to understand you and my own effect on you so that I can support you as a friend, forgive you as a partner, and paint a truthful picture in my heart and head. That leads me to the part where I do it for me, my well-being, my view on us and outlook towards the future people I may meet- I try to understand you (and me) so that I can see you and us as we were and are, but erase the possible monster that I see when things get dark, I try to shine in the light that is all. I can heal the fearful doubt for others that arises in me, to not paint them over so relentlessly. They deserve that just as much as you and me. 

It was not your fault, you are not to blame. For with another open hearted person they would have done just the same. You believed in good, and please always do. There is nothing wrong in loving something we believe to be true. But know this, it is inside of you- that love they told you were missing, they painted void and blue.  You are not lacking- only finding your strength, Never doubt your own pillars my friend.  Shame on those who sweep us off our feet, take us for a dance as they question our knees. There should be no shame in getting in and out of a dance, a rhythm we were shaken to as we tried to stand. True love lets us take all the time we need, it does not leave us feeling guilty for not jumping off our feet. Neither does it pressure, it gives us space to find within us what we need. True love lets us breathe.   -to my friend, a gardener

Today I wanted to explore therapy (or more so, how we all are already doing it every day- if we look closely,  Ever thought about getting therapy- or heard someone say that they where receiving it or trying to get a referral, and you thought "Yikes", maybe even got slightly uncomfortable. Everything is therapy, so let us break the Taboo. From Psychoanalysis and CBT, to drawing class, watching the ocean or eating a sandwich on the underground. At different times we need different kinds, but we all do undergo them, and we all need them. From personal growth to taking space for ourselves, a deep breath, finding calm from the sound of waves, or spending memorable time with friends.  Calming down in a busy world can be challenging, maybe you are one of those who have tried and simply can not find the focus, too many gremlins and cymbal playing monkeys in your head, don't worry- they are often taking over most of my inner peace too. But that my friend- acceptance, being ther...

If you wait long enough a new morning reveals. There are no failures You're a fighter She wakes up, he breathes. I don't care how long you stayed in bed, it is not a competition, Wiggle you're toes for a while instead. You are still here- despite the hell you've been through It doesn't matter what they think, What matters is you. There are many reasons to shut down the lights, but the one that keeps on burning is the fact that you're still alive. I hope somewhere you're smiling, not for the world to see, but within yourself- for whatever reason it may be. I hope you find a reason to see the day until its end. And then.. A new morning reveals. You're a hero dear friend. .

What defines us as adults, what really says that we "Made It" ? Based on how the world is rolling, how expectations of success and its meaning is built up in our mind, our society.. It is a career is it not? It is a plan, it is a house, it is money, it is LinkedIn.. it is a desk, it is a title, it is a Volvo with the perfect quota of kids....  Or is it ? Is it the milestones, or is it the journey ?. And which journey..? The one where we lift the bricks and build our way to the top ? The journey where we want to fit in.. Or is the life laid in-between and under, the space behind the stage ?  The learning from our mistakes, the making of mistakes, accepting our flaws, living with them, acknowledging them? Acknowledging others around us.  Not hiding behind a mask- But truly living. Building (by listening and learning) the bricks to our own unique perfectly imperfect self, to the best selves that we can be.. laughing,  stopping, listening, feeling, understanding, ...

Solo-travel and exploring on your own often seems to be something that is considered too big of  an hurdle, an  uncomfortable area we would rather avoid. As wolves we are more comfortable in a pack. I used to think like this myself. The thing is however, that we often (as singles in a busy world) find ourselves alone when we would have the time for an adventure. Schedules do not fit.  - Then there are of-course the differences in interests as well, and as being without a partner no one is  "obligated" (please take with sarcasm :D) to go with you on your holiday to extraordinary locations and events.  But hey, that being said; - what a perfect time for you to do exactly what you always dreamed of ! All I want to say is go for it.   Do not sit around waiting for "maybe another time" due to the fear, and I am not talking about the fear of being scared that something might happen on the way (that does not seem to be the first thing that pop...

Today it is the Orange Day, it is UN:s International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. I thought I should write today, and even if we all should help to break the silence, and help the person if we ever found out that their being abused (in any way), the truth is that often we stand alone. I wanted to write about that day, The day I broke the silence. It has all luckily started to fade into a blur, but I will try to recall as much as I can remember. I remember him sitting indoors on his computer for weeks, Outside there was a sunny summer, I remember trying to tell him to go outdoors more, to get some fresh air. Maybe he could do his work in a park ? I remember that he got outside with me, we were supposed to go and meet his friends a few kilometers away, I reminded him of getting outside more often, " I mean look at all the people sitting in the park, there is still summer left" He told me to Shut up ("Why can`t you just shut up.. ?") , an...

I am sitting here on the floor with a cup of tea in my hands, wiggling my toes. The mirror is right in front om me and my newly washed hair makes me look like a natural Aretha Franklin or a very fluffy Chewbacca, both probably equally as cute. It feels quite nice to be able to sit here with myself like this, to just be here, here with me. For a long time I could not. I avoided mirrors, I could not look into her eyes.  The humiliation had made me vulnerable, I felt ashamed, did not want to see her, me, and I also avoided facing the truth, the pain I knew I could see in my eyes. I want to explain what I meant by "Thank You for Humiliating me, for I have learned to see my own beauty" in my post Thank You . As I told before, he pushed me into things I did not want to do. As the years went by I fell into silence I stopped having an own opinion or to say it out loud. I accepted that this was the only kind of closeness that I would get, so though it hurt that he treated me tha...

I felt a lot of shame for the things I had gone through, what he had pushed me in to, and I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Who could I trust, or did I just trust anyone who knocked on my door ? Did I know what to look out for or was I just dragging more of them to me?  Was I going crazy ? Would anyone understand ? I knew the school psychologist did, but what about everyone else, what about the outside world ? My friends? Where had I been, who was I ? How to get my life back and what was that ? Could I find any understanding for this battle I was going through ? I felt alone, very alone, even though I had friends around me. I want to share these experiences because I want to be a part of breaking the silence, tell about that what actually many people face everyday. By writing about it in the way that I do, what I faced, how it effected me and how I everyday work hard with myself to become stronger I also want to help to take away that feeling of shame. Because w...

Fear during and then anger, and sometimes fear again. But as everyone else, he is also just a fragile human. I wrote about broken pasts and how that helps me understand his behavior, that it helps me let go of anger, because there is not much he can do about it, but that I also will never accept it, since no matter how ill, he might be... he never had the right to treat me that way. Yes, he had a very broken home, and no stability, but he also chose to not deal with his past or with the problems in his own behavior. He was too sick for that, his unrealistic ego stood in the way. And during the years, as I told in the earlier posts, I got to see his reaction when he was confronted by his own mistakes, when I again had to tell him what he had done and beg him to change. He could not take it, blamed me for blaming and confronting him, for bringing up the past (and the past could have been yesterday and most likely would be the next..) Why did I have to be so mean, why could I just not f...

To someone in a panic: Sometimes we dwell on things, we keep them in. After a long time we want to run, run away, but we feel like we can`t, we are stuck. We are torn. Sometimes I felt like I could not breathe, I was suffocating.  Start by concentrating on your breathing, be there for you. Try to loosen up, get rid of that tension. You are here, and You are here with You. You are here for You. It might take time, and it might not work the first time, or even the third. But I know you can do it. If the releasing of the tension causes tears, let it, do not push them back, remember, you are here for You and so are your tears.  Also, Do not close up, do not leave yourself alone with your emotions and fears. Talk to somebody, and I know that it might feel like you can`t , like you shouldn't. You might think that you do not want to worry them or drag them into this, Or that they would not understand. But no matter what is on your mind, you should, You are not obligated...

It is always good to write, especially to write down your feelings, to get clarity. The University School psychologist thought me a few years ago to write a positivity journal. The idea was to remind myself of the good that is going on in my life, around me, in me. It helped a lot, to see the positive in the things that have happened, what I have learned and how it made me stronger and what good I can see in this particular day. Slowly it helped to change my way of thinking. So now I do not have to write down a list or a journal everyday. It is in the way that I feel. And first I thought that it was all about writing down all the things I learned, the fun things that are happening right now and what I should look forward too. But with time I realized that its much more than that, For myself I adapted that positive writing to use whenever I start to feel anxious. Important here to know about anxiety, if you did not already, is that it comes in waves (at least mine does) you do not ...

Sometimes I wish you were here. Where ever you are. I do not know if I already met you or if I am still about to. How do I find you, and how do I know when I have found you ? Sometimes I meet someone who seems nice and kind, and then I get let down. So how am I supposed to trust again, not be afraid to see the good, trust in it, that it is real and not just for show ? How do I know that what I found is good, and how do I find you ? I miss you. .. Yes.. I miss him, and maybe you should not be allowed to say that, how can you really miss someone that you do not even know ?..Well, all I know is this feeling. That finally found them feeling, that feeling of safety, that feeling of knowing that this is the person you want to take your life's adventures with, that feeling that you do not have to say anything, you could just be. That feeling of laughing to something stupid that only the two of you understand. Seeing them smile.  But here is the other truth.. no matter how much I som...

I felt like I had lost everything I was, and every good part that I once had in my life. If I still had some of them, I had lost touch to them. I was lost. How should I start to find my way again ? Who was I ? What did I want in my life ? I did something.. I wrote a list, a list of big and smaller things, the tiniest things to remember, I guess we could call them "feel-good and finding your way to your own life things ".  I wrote it at my parents summer place, just a week after I left him. The list included everything from examples of new hobbies, friends to reconnect and get in touch with, new methods to positive thinking  and those small moments that you need to remember to take for yourself. Here is an example of what it looked like: - Become a member of your Student Nation/ Organisation - Redecorate your apartment (get rid of old bed, refurnish, make it yours) - Ask how N is doing, visit her back home ? - Remember to be your own best friend - Catch up with J,...

If I Just. .Sound familiar?.. that is a thought I remember having often.  All I wanted was for us to have a good life, a healthy relationship and a good or at least manageable future. Things were falling a part and I was desperately trying to keep them from falling, everyday and more than I ever concentrated on my own things.   There was worry about him passing his courses,  getting him to apply for summer jobs (which even according to his grandparents became my responsibility.) and writing a CV, getting him to take care of his economy that directly influenced ours (or when he wanted to invest his money on gold bricks and old computer parts that then laid around our apartment and enhanced my asthma ), taking care of our home and before that his mom`s (where cooking pots were dished and stored in the bathtub), his refusal to deal with his drinking problems, our relationship, the way he treated me and so on. If here and now did not work, than what would our fu...

Before starting this blog I thought a long time about how much I should tell about my past and the things that drove me in to writing a blog like this. I decided that it would be important to tell some things, so that the possible readers would better understand where I am coming from. But I had one simple rule; besides writing about the things I went through, I would always make sure to write what I learned from these experiences. During those four years there where a lot of thing I wish that I had never experienced. Until this day there are a lot of things that I do not mention, and I surely did not tell about them to anyone else then, not even to my closest friends. Those things where everyday life to me, something I got used to, shoved into " that geeky box of his" or told myself that the they were immature thing "some guys say",  felt sickness for even though I could not make the connection and blamed myself and other things around me.  I will write down so...