Here and Now (what an emotionally abusive relationship taught me)

Before starting this blog I thought a long time about how much I should tell about my past and the things that drove me in to writing a blog like this. I decided that it would be important to tell some things, so that the possible readers would better understand where I am coming from. But I had one simple rule; besides writing about the things I went through, I would always make sure to write what I learned from these experiences.

During those four years there where a lot of thing I wish that I had never experienced. Until this day there are a lot of things that I do not mention, and I surely did not tell about them to anyone else then, not even to my closest friends. Those things where everyday life to me, something I got used to, shoved into " that geeky box of his" or told myself that the they were immature thing "some guys say",  felt sickness for even though I could not make the connection and blamed myself and other things around me. 

I will write down some of my experiences, and you believe what you choose to believe.  But whatever you dear reader decide, I hope that you never stop to roar in your own afterglow.

 A Throw Back:

" I wish you were here, here with me, happy about this life, us and even me, wish you could see me. I'm here you know ?"
 He would tell me that he and some of the great big ones were the only ones who knew the truth about the Universe, time and life's existence. If he tried hard enough, he could even disproof their theories. I wished that when I came home that he would have seen me, even looked at me, sometimes I think he did, I think he even took his headphones off. But most of the time he wanted to stay in that world, it was more important. Even a spring day on my family's dock, where I had dragged him, could not keep him away from his computer and the research that he was doing.
There was his need for greatness and worry about not getting his ideas saved for the far future, fantasies about fixing ( and replacing) my eye and it`s visionary defects with future machine inventions, something my dad even got to hear about... and food flavored pills like the ones in Willy Wonka that would make the daily feeding so much easier, It sure was fun to cook for him.

His drinking, the actions that followed, my worries and the blame I had to take for always bringing that up were another part of our everyday life. By the end of it even I started to gradually take a few to many, to get a chance to escape and forget the future that I hopelessly had settled for. (What to think about when you decide to drink and how constant bad decisions can affect the ones closest to you is something I also want to focus on in a future post)


I have since learned and I am still learning:

The last 6 months before I finally stood up, I started to notice things outside the hopeless life that I for a long time had hold on to and even settled for being my future. I learned to laugh again, somewhat truly and I even found myself a hobby after many years of not thinking what I needed out of my life. I participated in dance lessons, My reflection in the mirror was hard to look at, but Bollywood stole my heart for 1 hour a week.

One of the most happiest experience that enlightened me the most however, was at the end of one of the camps for the disabled that I for the first time ever, had been a a camp leader for. We were on the bus driving back home, the sun was shining and one older camp participant told us camp leaders over and over again that this has been a really fun camp. And he was right, It had been. It was wonderful that someone could be so happy about such a simple thing. It is amazing how people can spread happiness around them. Life is truly beautiful.

Another thing is to be able to accept your flaws, be true to yourself and work on those which are workable and really matter in life (starting from your feelings and behavior). For a long time I have had a difficulty in letting go of people who would not meet me half way, I still struggle with that every day.

I have learned how important it is to be there for each other and to be able to be right here right now. It may not always be easy, and I struggle with that all the time, but I value that idea and I am glad that I learned to do that at a fairly young age. True presence and Mindfulness are both something to lay behind your ear. I have also learned to appreciate life as it comes, with all its up and downs, I no longer escape somewhere else.
It is not the great scientists who will teach you the most important lessons in life, it is the people around you who will. Sometimes the wisest thing said came out of the smallest people or from an old woman who no one had ever even heard of.



 Never let someone take away your happiness.

Words to that Past; Even though as painful, as human life can be,  I would, in a heartbeat, trade eternal life as a machine, for one last day as a human being