Roar in the Afterglow

I wanted to write down something about that feeling, that still catches up with us who have faced trauma, many years down the road, It creeps up whenever we get close. This might be hard to read for someone who is still recovering, I do not mean to make this matter into a joke. But as this comes up so frequently, almost 10 years later, I decided to make this in to a slightly humorous post. Maybe this will open my eyes for all the things that go lost. When PTSD hits me the hardest I struggle to tell which one of my instincts is telling me the truth. Are the Orange socks leading me back towards abuse ? That poster of Metallica, shirts with holes, or green liquor drinks filled with milk..... those frighten me the most. I am sure Metallica is a great band, and that strange art on the wall is not a sign of reckless mood swings. But what if I am wrong, what if this really is a sign.. I am starting to loose it. I want to trust your comforting hugs, not fear that your favorite cerea...

A few years back I wrote about healthy love- and how to know if you found it, I gave an example I use; Empty room, Travelling the world (and life) and your own feeling (do you feel happy ?).  To be able to answer these questions time is needed, unless we of course are thinking of someone who is down right hurtful, and after experiences and self growth we learn (step by step) to let go- and stay away from them..we can read faster...  ....But, all people are not bad (even though I am far too familiar with the fear and worry). There are so many good people out there, they are good- even though they might have some growing to do, they are good- even if they might not be right for us- what we need, and what we deserve. Individual needs do not always match- that is the reality of life. People are not like puzzle pieces.. and it is when we grow and learn to see our own weaknesses and others- that we realize that we have to stop expecting for prince perfect (he is human too). Thro...

Do you have that one place, a place that means to you more than could easily be put into words? I am sitting at mine right now. I wrote once before about knowing that you found love, on how I often think about an empty white room, if that was all we had for a moment, would I be happy right there with him ? But life is not an empty white room, it is each-others lives we step into. I used to climb up on a big rock when I was little, my thinking rock. Here I would make everything from potions to soups in the nooks and holes of its surface, collect and store pieces of twigs and stones and look at all the formations while sitting on its back. But most of all this was a place to think, to calm down; to gather myself. For some time now there has been a pier surrounding this rock, I am resting my back against the bench, the bench is carved to hug the rock. My parents often sit here, during every season, whether it is winter, fall, spring or summer. It is not too win...

Fall in love with the feeling of real, of being right where you stand, visible, heard, here. Recognize when You are a part of  a dialog you are invited to. Recognize when you feel whole, Recognize when you get to stay this way, when no one makes your self loose touch. I promised myself a long time ago to never fall for what I could feel was sinking me, but about a year ago, there I went again, listened, got lost, listened again, but not to myself. He could not see me since the fence of himself was too high, he only saw him, and I could feel me being left behind. I remember a time inside a gallery on a summer sunny day. I ran out to the window with the biggest view of the open sea and I remember saying now that is what real art is to me. Some weeks later, when I was still trying to understand  his ways, I could feel myself not being in touch with where and who I am. I felt an urge to run out to the sea. I took of my shoes and stood in the waves, he called me crazy, I laughed...

What do I think you should look for in a person ? . . Choose someone who will love you for who you are, who supports you, encourages you and hugs you often. Choose someone you can share your troubles with if you wanted too.  (sometimes we do not want unload on to them all that we are carrying) ... just knowing that you can gives you a feeling of calm.  Choose someone who will love you know matter what size or shape, as long as you are happy, that is all that should matter.  Choose someone who will not laugh At you, but With you.   Choose someone who loves and admires you for your strength. Choose someone who will be there to catch you if you fall.   Choose someone who hold your hand when you need it.  Choose someone who encourages and support you to reach for you dreams.    

Sometimes I wish you were here. Where ever you are. I do not know if I already met you or if I am still about to. How do I find you, and how do I know when I have found you ? Sometimes I meet someone who seems nice and kind, and then I get let down. So how am I supposed to trust again, not be afraid to see the good, trust in it, that it is real and not just for show ? How do I know that what I found is good, and how do I find you ? I miss you. .. Yes.. I miss him, and maybe you should not be allowed to say that, how can you really miss someone that you do not even know ?..Well, all I know is this feeling. That finally found them feeling, that feeling of safety, that feeling of knowing that this is the person you want to take your life's adventures with, that feeling that you do not have to say anything, you could just be. That feeling of laughing to something stupid that only the two of you understand. Seeing them smile.  But here is the other truth.. no matter how much I som...

Sometimes I feel old, old like 40 at 24. I guess it is all that energy I gave away, I am tired, but want more then anything to live again, not necessarily smart (seriously sometimes I doubt my IQ when I can not seem to open a door) but maybe somewhat wise, or wiser than before. I do not do (as many) stupid things, I listen to my gut when I feel that something is or might go wrong, I can leave a party early or drink less without feeling bad about being the "boring one ". I like to go on long walks with a friend, drink tea while sitting by the window, and I save money for travelling to new places, the rest gets saved for the future. I guess I have grown up. At the same time I sometimes miss the feeling that I have never had, of being more care free,  I also sometimes wish that I would be able to let go and live life like it never happened. But you live, and I choose to continuously try to learn from it. Trying to meet men when feeling like an old soul, is not easy. Eve...

I felt like I had lost everything I was, and every good part that I once had in my life. If I still had some of them, I had lost touch to them. I was lost. How should I start to find my way again ? Who was I ? What did I want in my life ? I did something.. I wrote a list, a list of big and smaller things, the tiniest things to remember, I guess we could call them "feel-good and finding your way to your own life things ".  I wrote it at my parents summer place, just a week after I left him. The list included everything from examples of new hobbies, friends to reconnect and get in touch with, new methods to positive thinking  and those small moments that you need to remember to take for yourself. Here is an example of what it looked like: - Become a member of your Student Nation/ Organisation - Redecorate your apartment (get rid of old bed, refurnish, make it yours) - Ask how N is doing, visit her back home ? - Remember to be your own best friend - Catch up with J,...

Love, Closeness... It is a very private subject.. and we rarely talk about it (at least this openly) But I wanted to, it is important, at least to me. As much as this is the important one.. it`s also the most difficult one.. luckily I just had a glass of wine with my friend, I thought about If I should write this down now or another time, but since it is such an emotional subject I decided to give it a go right now, maybe that one glass of wine just might make me more relaxed.. So...   For me it is a glance and the smile on your face  the touch of your hands, And an honest embrace For where I lay it is you I keep, This changing world I fall asleep Those are some of the words in Vanessa Carltons song Home , that song means a lot to me, and I am listening to it as I write this down. Simply said every single part of this song makes me feel safe and it is that feeling that I hope to have and share with that right someone there somewhere in the future. Choose someo...