Red Flaggs or a Trigger (navigating PTSD)

I wanted to write down something about that feeling, that still catches up with us who have faced trauma, many years down the road, It creeps up whenever we get close.

This might be hard to read for someone who is still recovering, I do not mean to make this matter into a joke. But as this comes up so frequently, almost 10 years later, I decided to make this in to a slightly humorous post. Maybe this will open my eyes for all the things that go lost.

When PTSD hits me the hardest I struggle to tell which one of my instincts is telling me the truth. Are the Orange socks leading me back towards abuse ?

That poster of Metallica, shirts with holes, or green liquor drinks filled with milk..... those frighten me the most.

I am sure Metallica is a great band, and that strange art on the wall is not a sign of reckless mood swings. But what if I am wrong, what if this really is a sign.. I am starting to loose it.

I want to trust your comforting hugs, not fear that your favorite cereal is a sign of that you find my fear amusing.

I have flown up from the sofa based on much less then a song, a hand-movement, movie quote, smoked cigarettes or texts too short or long. I shake and felt like throwing up when I understood that on Microsoft Word you like the same font.

Then there are those times that Red flags are real, like uncaring answers and drinking with no limitation, blaming everyone around for ones own mistakes, and big prophet kind monologues- expecting everyone's undivided attention, without it falling in to childlike grumpy silence.

But what if you are not perfect (non of us are after all) and what if I pushed you away for a reason so small. What if it is one mistake, one slip, and then I would be gone. I want to believe in the good in you that is all.

And what if nothing but the way you held your coffee-cup was "wrong"?
What if it was only the triggers that caused a push so strong ?

It is hard to tell which one is the truth, how do I know that it is not you ?
I want to trust you, but my triggers are (still sometimes) taking the upper hand.

But wear your socks, and do not change your favorite band.

This is my struggle, all I need is a clarifying plan.

And to be without them, that is terrifying too, what if within them (after all) lies an protective hidden truth. The alarm is my guardian that stands between us two.

Time, open hearts, acceptance, empathy and patience.

Those are the building stones,


I hope you understand.