Skip to main content

Red Flaggs or a Trigger (navigating PTSD)


I wanted to write down something about that feeling, that still catches up with us who have faced trauma, many years down the road, It creeps up whenever we get close.

This might be hard to read for someone who is still recovering, I do not mean to make this matter into a joke. But as this comes up so frequently, almost 10 years later, I decided to make this in to a slightly humorous post. Maybe this will open my eyes for all the things that go lost.

When PTSD hits me the hardest I struggle to tell which one of my instincts is telling me the truth. Are the Orange socks leading me back towards abuse ?

That poster of Metallica, shirts with holes, or green liquor drinks filled with milk..... those frighten me the most.

I am sure Metallica is a great band, and that strange art on the wall is not a sign of reckless mood swings. But what if I am wrong, what if this really is a sign.. I am starting to loose it.

I want to trust your comforting hugs, not fear that your favorite cereal is a sign of that you find my fear amusing.

I have flown up from the sofa based on much less then a song, a hand-movement, movie quote, smoked cigarettes or texts too short or long. I shake and felt like throwing up when I understood that on Microsoft Word you like the same font.

Then there are those times that Red flags are real, like uncaring answers and drinking with no limitation, blaming everyone around for ones own mistakes, and big prophet kind monologues- expecting everyone's undivided attention, without it falling in to childlike grumpy silence.

But what if you are not perfect (non of us are after all) and what if I pushed you away for a reason so small. What if it is one mistake, one slip, and then I would be gone. I want to believe in the good in you that is all.

And what if nothing but the way you held your coffee-cup was "wrong"?
What if it was only the triggers that caused a push so strong ?

It is hard to tell which one is the truth, how do I know that it is not you ?
I want to trust you, but my triggers are (still sometimes) taking the upper hand.

But wear your socks, and do not change your favorite band.

This is my struggle, all I need is a clarifying plan.

And to be without them, that is terrifying too, what if within them (after all) lies an protective hidden truth. The alarm is my guardian that stands between us two.

Time, open hearts, acceptance, empathy and patience.

Those are the building stones,


I hope you understand.

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Are you not lonely ? (and my stay in a small bothy at the Isle of Canna)

Loneliness for me is a common feeling while travelling solo, don't think (when you are following my adventures on social media) that I am immune to it. I like the solitude at times, and it builds a stronger relationship with myself, to do this on my own that is, but I often wish I had found my companion.  I keep turning every rock, stair into wells to see a reflection next to me, stay open minded and socialise at home. I wander to all corners of the world, I am on all the apps- talk to locals. I am not shy. But so far he has not been found. I have (in moments of hilarious lighthearted desperation) even tried to go back in time Outlander style, if he is not in 2024, maybe in 1878. Perhaps a man from the Bridgerton era. Times are tough, and there are not plenty of available healthy mature fish in the sea, perhaps an old tire, but fish- well most of them have been caught by now, or they were let back into the sea for a reason. The trash never even made it to shore, people do not want ...
Post a Comment
Read more

An intuitive journey back to my solo travels

For the past few years I have had a fallback in writing. A lack of inspiration and a feeling that I had already written about "it all", or the things I really wanted to say at least. Perhaps it is the SSRI medication that for the past 4 years have been numbing (in a good way) my anxiety- but also keeping my head away from mind loops, or perhaps I just got to the end of it- let out all the biggest of Roars.  But, whatever it is that has made me write less, I will make sure to not stop completely. I do enjoy this too after all, it is not only an outlet for something anxious, it was always supposed to be more than that. Something to lift spirits, bright up days, encourage others to live (or continue too) live their best and most for-filling lives. So, I decided to go through my solo travels, one by one. Because what might not have been obvious through these text through the years (that is- mainly from the summer of 2016 forwards), is that I went on adventures, on my own (mostly)...
Post a Comment
Read more

Little Sparrow (about self perception)

I wanted to write down something about self perception. How our looks, physical strength and the way we sound and come across to others, affect the way we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves. My mission here was not to write about the make-up on our face or that eye catching dress we could wear. But rather the people...humans we are. The ones we will always be. For a long time I had quite a low confidence. That low confidence came from how I perceived myself, and I still struggle with that from time to time. You see I knew I was small, short, clumsy, sometimes a bit chubby (boys nickname for me in Pre-school was Christmas ham) and later just small as a twig. I had struggles in finding that voice inside, and when I did I was afraid that that voice was too big- not suitable to this body of mine. I was afraid of being too loud.. too annoying.. I became quiet...awkward... and at moments invisible trying to keep the awkwardness away from daylight. Sometimes it sprang...
Post a Comment
Read more