Roar in the Afterglow

  As we celebrate this merry Christmas, try to remember that it is different for all. Not everyone has the grocery store commercial family and close knit jolly relatives. Not everyone looks forward to Christmas the same.  There are those with the inappropriately handsy uncle or cousin, there are eyes that look away and truths that are not allowed to be said; self-protection that is not appreciated to be expressed. There are those with racist or homophobic parents, a yelling father with too much to drink, an angry stressful mother, there are those who always experienced Christmas as a showcase of silverware and anxious hold of breath, there are homes where the children's voices and emotions were never met- as long as the tree is symmetric and perfect on all sides, they do not notice when you sit in the bathroom every year and hide.  There are those who left gladly, and only come for a quick visit when they feel comfortable and emotionally safe, there are those who now post-childhood

  I want to get time to get to know you, and I want to give you time to get to know me. Trust comes with kindness, respect, vulnerability and emotional responsibility But if we break that barrier too fast, ( even though I often stand at guard), I open a gate where I re-visit my past. It is not your fault, I am a physical being. But sometimes my temptation runs past my well-being . I have fun but feel emotional pain, it is somehow familiar to get treated this way. There is a comfort in running towards expected pain, instead of sitting still, waiting to become your prey. - Somehow I convince myself to be in control this way. I am the one who directs the pain. I put myself in shackles  that you can not see. I tell you hurtful words at times in order to feel free. With this self-forced arrangement I am slowly loosing me I'm afraid  I disappear Listen and see me- it helps my wounds to heal. Give me time to trust you, to learn that your intentions towards me are sincere. From the pattern

I knew I had a lump, on the lower side of my left breast. I decided to get it checked. After a few calls and cancellations on their end I got an appointment, I biked to see the doctor early this morning,  - He knew about me being uncomfortable with men having the power to feel me up with their hands- there where no women available to be with me where I am- and he truly did his best to be respectful- through every part of this half naked exam. He was knowledgeable for his age and younger than me. On top of this the world is small, we come  from the same minority- but it was discreet, handled with care and professionality. Anyway, the result of his exam of my breasts was this; a 1 cm mass on the left and something close to my ribs. I will get to book a mammography scan later this week- once the doctor adds the information to my electronic sheet.  I biked back home, then biked to work, Throughout the day I felt fine, but as I closed the shop alone all the thoughts ran through my mind. I w

Ironically today was the day I received some of my old (and a school support workers) mental health journals from 2011-2013, I needed them when applying for insurance coverage for my current therapy sessions. It was during these years that my life truly took a full turn (and remember- a full turn does not mean that everything after then goes in a straight smooth line- healing is a process, but one thing is for certain- that full turn from where I was to where I arrived within myself truly saved me).  I redd the notes in the journal- one visit at a time, how a teacher and my classmates supported me to get to the first appointment. How everything was dark, about me and all else- but not the thing that was truly tearing me- that one I struggled to see. I saw me and myself as a pitthole- what came to me I had to accept and whenever I fought I fought for the wrong things- my anger, pain and sadness was everywhere, but mostly aimed at myself.  It took a few years, I made appointments, I show

As you feel lonely (and 99 % of your surrounding suddenly seems to transform into babyville- a life you do not, if being honest to yourself, want... at least just yet) a distraction of the social kind as well as travel would do you good. But a pandemic stands in the way- blocking most of the entrances to a carefree single "born-again at 30" lifestyle. You want to get to know people- but events are not frequent and only seem to happen at random- if at all. You need time to get to know people, you need to get close and connect- and getting there fast at that one event usually doesn't cut it- and hugging strangers is probably considered a felony during these times.  So how do I get passed these lonely blues ? - I have too much time to feel, to much social media posts about joy an celebration, and too little distractions to take part in.  I know what I want, and what I don`t want. But what I want is in another box right now than I am- A box I can not reach- except sometimes-

A life lived Its not about winning or being right, mistakes happen, and we fail at times Life is about living, and learning-  (despite the outcome) - their essence is printed in the journey So learn to laugh at yourself from the inside when its needed, let your gratefulness for life shine through and learn to apologies to yourself and others, be humble and unafraid to learn to do better- there are times that is needed too. Live and grow, wholeheartedly,  no fear for showing flaws perfectly imperfect that should be your most important cause.  - to my mother (and father) Tiny House of Wheels A cup of warm tea in my hands as the sun closes in on the rain. It smells of freedom to be living this way. Striped from material, with large windows, and a tiny yet open and cozy kitchen. A fireplace to warm my feet. A whisky barrel as my bathtub and a sauna to bring the heath. A fluffy bed with a window in the ceiling. Bookshelves along the walls. a sofa from where I can see the stars. A dinner tab

So Improv theater (in class) is cancelled until autumn, and the some goes for Bhangra dance classes at my local Indian dance school. But that is the name of the game during these times, and here in Finland we are lucky enough to have avoided a severe virus outbreak and lockdown measures. Lets all remember that.  I´ve signed up to two short cooking classes/lessons in April, plus an Urban forest trail-running course, keeping my thumbs (and toes) up hoping that they will happen. I´ve been thinking about what to write about as my life feels emptier of substance than a hollow coconut. There is no drama, no greater reflection, no travel, no break from the everyday. There is simply me, work, a lifeline of friendly catch-ups, books and an constantly updated to-do list to make me feel productive and help me from losing my mind to Netflix binging-which I still do- way too much.  I've recently started a once-a-week online psycho-dynamic therapy from my couch at home (and a cup of coffee as it

 It's been a while since I've written anything, and to be fare not much has happened worth writing about (like current life for most of us). I could tell you about the "To do today" task lists I make to keep my bran occupied and my days filled with activities- and how I then post-pone 2/3rd s of it to leave some excitement (like taking my winter shoes down from the attic or recycling an old toaster) for the following days. I have a feeling there will be another long year ahead. On top of this I go to work (thank goodness its a social one), take small day-trips by bus to change scenery, bake, read and meet up with friends where and when it feels safe to do so (and they get themselves out of their own respective caves). It a never ending circle of slightly sad yet oddly comfy Wednesdays all year around.  But there are some things I've started or done- I took a sea kayaking class in the summer, made a solo trip to Kilpisjärvi (that furthest Northern end of Finland),