So Improv theater (in class) is cancelled until autumn, and the some goes for Bhangra dance classes at my local Indian dance school. But that is the name of the game during these times, and here in Finland we are lucky enough to have avoided a severe virus outbreak and lockdown measures. Lets all remember that.
I´ve signed up to two short cooking classes/lessons in April, plus an Urban forest trail-running course, keeping my thumbs (and toes) up hoping that they will happen.
I´ve been thinking about what to write about as my life feels emptier of substance than a hollow coconut. There is no drama, no greater reflection, no travel, no break from the everyday. There is simply me, work, a lifeline of friendly catch-ups, books and an constantly updated to-do list to make me feel productive and help me from losing my mind to Netflix binging-which I still do- way too much.
I've recently started a once-a-week online psycho-dynamic therapy from my couch at home (and a cup of coffee as it is an early Thursday morning). I really like my therapist and feel so lucky that I managed to find her ..99% seem to be overbooked at the moment.. Somehow it makes me happy though.. I mean not the fact that people need therapy and the stress that the Covid-19 year has created, but the fact that so many people have reached out for help, I believe the problems where always there underneath, people just felt too occupied with distractions to slow down and truly be honest with themselves; - What do I need and what do I deserve ? Where do I need to start in order to make my life and the relationship with myself and others better ? I`m also glad that the stigma around mental health and therapy has seemed to disappear- a wall has been broken.
And I am breaking my own.
With therapy I am supporting the girl who was left to defend for herself alone.
I am opening the cage, letting out myself and all that I have carried for so long.
It is a huge relief.
To realize that it is not madness she (the therapist sees)
I need to learn to trust that people who truly love me are willing to see me.
They will not ask me to talk about the darkness, then turn their back as I bleed (please read this metaphorically).
They will meet me without judgment, support me as I find my feet.
Opening the cage, to sit with it (work with it) out in the free,
That is what brings healing to me.
Silencing brings an echo (these horrid things are on you and not for the world to see)
No more taboos will be made out of me.
Experienced trauma needs wording, for someone to listen, to believe.
For the nightmares to stop laying over me.
I need to make them into substance, experience, reality.
Something understandable that I can see.
Climb over (and jump steady grounded) on this hellish mountain peak.. but still I am dwelling in the fog of the past as we speak.
Therapy is a blessing to me.
Here I could also mention that my abusive ex who I left 9 years ago sent me a long letter over social media last week (no we are not friends), apologizing for his past behavior without actually referring to the abuse he caused me, mentioning how he got dumped again, how he did not understand relationships before but has now worked on that... honestly I should have been happy for his realization.. but truthfully it sickened me, not what he said as much as the message being sent to me, he was knocking on my door (not literately). I wanted this nightmare to end, keep his manipulative ways far away from me. and here he was.. and it made me afraid how I partly felt the guilt to reply.. I mean forgiveness is what a good person does..right ? But do I open the door.. and let the pain parade its way in.. which one is more important..my well-being.. or him ?
I knew (6 months ago) when he crossed my path at the metro station and sat himself opposite me, that this nightmare could not be allowed to roam free. I wanted it to stay where I left it, 9 years in the past. I hated that I was back in the town where he was at.
..So I will leave him where he deserves to be, without communication from me, as substance in a mountain I am now standing on, including all the pain he caused me. It was real, but I will no longer be drowning, no longer lost and confused. The fog of past manipulation is becoming clearer to me. Never again will I risk it consuming me.
I will not mention his "comeback" again, this is all the attention it deserves from me.
Moving on and on other notes;
I´ve also recently encountered and taken action towards stopping a copyrights violation of one of my favorite literature/story characters. I´ve also reached out to many other brands/illustration owners who`s work and copyright has been violated by the same person/company owner. The violation was very severe and of a very disrespectful kind (manipulating illustrations to look like.. lets say very naked adults..) and then sold off for own profit as merchandise. Raising a flag in this ad writing about copyright and respects towards the original artist and their work has re-captured my interest and burn towards international literary (and and and illustrative artists) agency work (representing artists and their work internationally, selling user rights and protecting licenses/copyright). I´ve even started looking in to an online university class in copyright law, something new to proceed in during these odd event-less times, and a useful tool for the further future (given that I manage to continue my journey withing agency work). But for now- and the next few years I enjoy the bookshop life- it suits me in the long run better than a full-time office, but perhaps, partly, one day.
Perhaps I should write a blogg post about how to become and the do-s and don`t in being and literary agent ? For those who are interested and in order to fresh up my memory ?
That is pretty much all for now, I have a last minute lasagna to make.
Adios for now.
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