Roar in the Afterglow

I wanted to write about something I mentioned in my blog post about anxious caring.  As someone living with anxiety and being highly emotional, I know how intense social situations can feel. How much we want to get our message out, reach the other person, say the right thing, worry about what to say, say too fast and too much and then worry about fixing that straight after. I know the chaos that hits our head, the intense feeling of what if they slip away forever and they never got to hear this, what if our bond breaks when it could have been something deeper and even more understanding and accepting- just because these caring thoughts didn't pass between our walls. What if they are shutting down and in the mindset that its not okay to share your darkest thoughts, what if there alone in there ? What if there falling, what if I could reach them ? What if I didn't try ? To every last bit I try, if I care about you, I will always try. But.. here is one of the main problems.. y

*An add-on to what might have been unclear . (continuum from the last post; Why do I feel the need to tell you just how much you mean to me, when all you do is simply walk and leave ?) I want to reach them behind the silence, make sure that they´r (and we`re) okey. I need to do everything I can to make sure that any bad feelings are swept away (anger,irritation,sadness, misunderstanding, isolation..). At the same time I wish that they'd remember me, value our friendship enough and in hardships be there for me. It tares my heart that this bond might break. That something that seemed so strong and deep- supportive, could suddenly flake. As much as silence could be due to caving in, it could also be because of someone new, but if this was the reason- I´d wish you tell the truth, honesty minimizes anxiety(that I know to be true).  If you gave me some time we could talk it through, this his how much I care about my friendship with you.   *dont accept cheating, you are worth re

I wanted to tell you a secret, a problem I had for long, a problem I will never fully accept but would not live without.. (but it could be un-intensified.. if I only knew how).  My heart and mind rap themselves around another, they breathe you in and out.. when I care I see all sides of you, even the ones you dont want other to see, I see the person, I get connected, by every smallest piece- and so intensefully. This happens with friends, this happens with men.. and with men.. well the dating pattern is often the same.. I pick the ones who never wanted to stay.   When they leave or go silent- like the bond we had never meant a thing, I get all intense and give so much more then I receive. Its like I think that if one of us dies suddenly and we now stop to speak, I want them to know everything about how I really feel, what I been thinking all along, how I will always care about them even if things went wrong. I never say I love you, because truly loving someone takes time, I do

Do things feel like there not going anywhere, like your stamping your feet on the same piece of ground ? Has your heart just been broken ? Are you asking yourself; will I ever get over this.. does this pattern just repeat itself. I feel this way sometimes... stuck... in pain... in an emotional rut.. you name it....sniffling and incapable to see the light, although to be fair.. that light.. even in the darkest of times does, in small glimpses, a little here and there, make it through to reach my receptive self. But seeing the small pieces can sometimes be an exhausting process....in this piece I wanted to concentrate on something else, something bigger. The Magic in a Year. If you think back on last year.. how much has changed, how many bigger or minor heartbreaks have you concurred (and yes.. not still faced..) and how has your view on the world broadened ? How many adventures (some more sudden) has the past year taken you on ? How has your life changed within that year ? And ye

There is a pub filled with locals, their usual drinks and dogs. There is a pub where nostalgic tunes are played by a 70- something DJ, and where all the Sunday celebrating drinkers sing along. Theres this Pub with faithful hippies and punk rockers, Paul McCartney Look alike just made it for a quick stopper. There is a pub where Caribbean seniors chat about the snow over a glass of mulled wine, where the regular asks us to top up the pint of Doom Bar so that his wife gets it ´just right´. Theres a guy who always has Peroni (s) and reminds of Mr Mackey, and the occasional kids running in a circle trying to find paper for the things there about to paint. Theres a live band karaoke that fills the pub every month, and all the people on their Stag Dos and Christmas gatherings that lift the roof with cheerful shouts. Theres the pensioners coming in for sodawater and lime. There are the comedians who perform in the shows (and we rarely have time to meet), and then theres us- the pub

5 for the price of 1, I mean why not- if you can get that.. might even need it later, and what a bargain ! Shop till you Drop... The world is filling up with things, stuff after stuff after stuff.. and then some more stuff just to sprinkle some on top. We are drowning. Yes, it is nice to get new things sometimes, especially if its something we taught about for a long time....Im not trying to be political and im not the best at arguing a case, but allow yourself to think.. how much do you need it ? Can we think twice ? The past years Ive made a commitment, to only shop second hand.. may I say however that Food, Underwear, a recently published book I thought of for a long time or essentials that simply cant be found here are not included. The reason I do this (well besides the fact that Londons recycling scene is quite unique) is, well first of all the money and quality.. its really hard to argue with this lifestyle if you knew that you can find Levis Jeans for 5 pounds.. and in re