Why do I feel the need to tell you just how much you mean to me, when all you do is simply walk and leave ?

I wanted to tell you a secret, a problem I had for long, a problem I will never fully accept but would not live without.. (but it could be un-intensified.. if I only knew how). 

My heart and mind rap themselves around another, they breathe you in and out.. when I care I see all sides of you, even the ones you dont want other to see, I see the person, I get connected, by every smallest piece- and so intensefully. This happens with friends, this happens with men..and with men.. well the dating pattern is often the same.. I pick the ones who never wanted to stay. 

When they leave or go silent- like the bond we had never meant a thing, I get all intense and give so much more then I receive. Its like I think that if one of us dies suddenly and we now stop to speak, I want them to know everything about how I really feel, what I been thinking all along, how I will always care about them even if things went wrong. I never say I love you, because truly loving someone takes time, I dont say it while were dating or when they suddenly decide to take a hike.

Why are my emotions so intense ? Why do I give so much more then I receive? Why do I feel the need to tell someone so much just in case we never again get to speak, why dont I take time to listen to the silence in their absence, why is it scaring me ? Why cant I just stay silent, and let things be ?

Why do I feel the need to tell you, just how much you mean to me ?

Why do I do this, when all you do is simply walk and leave ?

Well now I just cried.. oh dear sweet me, I never mean any harm, I just care so intensfully. But I have some answers to why I behave this way; The thought of losing people breaks my heart- its like a soul that was close to me now drifts so far. I hate seeing these built connections been broken apart. Theres so much bad in this world, and whatever I chose to do- I always want to make sure that your not feeling blue, if something was up- and I suspect that you werent okey. I will make sure to reach out to you in any possible way. If im worried I said something that made you this way, I want to change the page, but to do that I have to explain.. explain something that you maybe were not interested in hearing in the first place, but I do all of this- just in case.

I think the worry of someone being left without what should have been said, goes back to all the times I felt so alone..especially to the worst of times all those years ago...I felt like I was falling but didnt communicate, I just lived on high speed and brushed the pain away.. well back inside me.. that felt like the only way. So by not leaving someone I felt was struggeling alone, or at least telling them that im right here- if they ever needed someone who wont judge them for their song, I can spare them from that feeling I was trapped in for so long.

And as that bond is something I wish with every bone in my body that we could keep, theres that little part of me that wishes that you would then talk to me, but that thoughtful wish in doing this comes only secondly.

It is a curse to function this way, to panic when you go silent, because men..this is where I push them away. But im not ashamed to care, this beautiful complicated and exhausting part of me, even though I sometimes wish it wouldnt be.

By writing about my mind I find my rationality, calm myself down and see some clarity, realise that not all I talk to will be like me. I silence my forces, start backing away. Feel embarrased for once again acted this way…

But if I had to chose, I would never stop to care, this part of me has- and will always be there.

Its a part of me as a human being,

To love people who come in to my heart, unconditionally.

ps. continues on the next post; 

Because that is how much you and our friendship means to me