I wanted to tell you
a secret, a problem I had for long, a problem I will never fully
accept but would not live without.. (but it could
be un-intensified.. if I only knew how).
My heart and mind rap
themselves around another, they breathe you in and out.. when I care
I see all sides of you, even the ones you do not want others to see, I
see the person, I get connected, by every smallest piece- and so
intensely. This happens with friends, this happens with men..and
with men.. well the dating pattern is often the same.. I pick the ones
who never wanted to stay.
When they leave
or go silent- like the bond we had never meant a thing, I get all
intense and give so much more than I receive. It is like I think that
if one of us dies suddenly and we now stop to speak, I want them to
know everything about how I really feel, what I been thinking all
along, how I will always care about them even if things went wrong. I
never say I love you, because truly loving someone takes time, I
do not say it while we are dating or when they suddenly decide to take a
hike.
Why
are my emotions so intense ? Why
do I give so much more then I receive? Why do I feel the need to tell
someone so much just in case we never again
get to speak, why do I not take the time to listen to the silence in their
absence, why is it scaring me ? Why can I not just stay silent, and let
things be ?
Why
do I feel the need to tell you, just how much you mean to me ?
Why
do I do this, when all you do is simply walk and leave ?
Well
now I just cried.. oh dear sweet me, I never mean any harm, I just
care so intensely. But I have some answers to why I behave this
way; The thought
of losing people breaks my heart- it is like a soul that was close to
me now drifts so far. I hate seeing these built
connections been broken apart. There is so much bad in this world, and
whatever I chose to do- I always want to
make sure that you are not feeling blue, if something was up- and I
suspect that you were not okey. I will make
sure to reach out to you in any possible way. If I am worried I
said something that made you this way, I want to change the page, but
to do that I have to explain.. explain something that you maybe were
not interested in hearing in the first place, but I do all of this-
just in case.
I
think the worry of someone being left without what should have been
said, goes back to all the times I felt so alone..especially
to the worst of times all those years ago...I felt like I was falling
but did not communicate, I just lived on high speed and brushed the
pain away.. well back inside me.. that felt like the only way. So by
not leaving someone I felt was struggling alone, or at least telling
them that I am right here- if they ever needed someone who would not judge
them for their song, I can spare them from that feeling I was trapped
in for so long.
And as that bond is something I wish with every bone in my body that we could keep, there is that little part of me that wishes that you would then talk to me, but that thoughtful wish in doing this comes only secondly.
It
is a curse to function this way, to panic when you go silent, because
men..this is where I push them away. But I am not ashamed to care, this
beautiful complicated and exhausting part of me, even though I
sometimes wish it would not be.
By
writing about my mind I find my rationality, calm
myself down and see some clarity, realize that not all I talk to will
be like me. I silence my forces, start backing away. Feel embarrassed
for once again having acted this way…
But
if I had to choose, I would never stop to care, this part of me has-
and will always be there.
It is
a part of me as a human being,
To
love people who come in to my heart, unconditionally.
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