Roar in the Afterglow

The past days I`ve spent alone, and Yes I know its the holidays and Yes the Jingle in Jingle Bells turn to Single every time I hear it. But guess what, it isn't so bad. In addition to having the  best possible introduction to the British way of Christmas celebration provided by my flatmates last week, with of course the irony of the only single at the table receiving the only plastic frog in her cracker :D.  I  spent Christmas day doing some volunteer work and I laughed and cried to more movies then I though I would have time to watch in these few days, with Elf and About Time definitely taking the prize for the feels ... but I guess if you find yourself laying on the couch eating carrot cake with organic jam at 2 am, you do not exactly have a hurry anywhere.. Through the long parkland walks (okey it was just one, since It got dark before I managed to get out... in something else then my pajama) occasional book reading (even though Im still on the first one since September)

After a long work day followed by a ramble through all the buzzle and Christmas lights, with thoughts of why hes so silent, why he doesn't reply, do I always end up being the girl whos left behind... With these feelings in my chest, ghosts of the past and all the other challenging yet to come quests, I turn on the radio and soon I can feel how my little body starts moving to what I hear. With my washed Slash resembling hair and mismatched pajama, I find my self dancing to some Samba. Life is pretty great You know, Your own validation is the only one you need, so get up and Never stop dancing from your heart to this beat.

Well my head is really empty, but I really felt like I wanted to write something down, now that I finally am starting to get my energy back. I started a job with the best kind of title but soon it turned out that there was so much wrong. after it sucked up my life and left me with no routine, often wondering how long the next day would be. Leaving at 6 am and then staying there for up to 33 h, it was too much and not the kind of care with which I would agree. Carers need support and not to be asked Why, why are you tired, you know you get to have some rest, we dont count that shift as one sett? An empowering atmosphere is what staff needs, especially when taking care of those who are in need. But when so much of what is given is and has for a long time been a mess, and you still try to keep your head up high, work it through, hoping that maybe at some point it will clear up in your tired head. and then the response you get, is an angry and disappointed look and why haven't you don

I've been thinking for a while where I would like to have you, the moments I wish you would happily share. You know the best things in life aren't big fireworks, their those small things in your day to day life. One late night I help a Canadian girl get through knots in her hair, she didn't want cut her hair for her wedding and sooner then later many more wanted to be there. It somehow reminded me of sauna nights in my childhood somewhere. Two nights ago a Chinese guy we call Derek was making root boiled tea, we sat in the kitchen, talked how we could feel the stress let itself free. , We share food from cultures,(red fish from Senegal or blueberry Tesco muffins), laugh to the crazy fire alarm or the dirtiness of the bathroom floor. I wish we could all experience this sometimes. And no this isn't me saying lets live in a hostel, believe my I'm covering so much with roses, even all the smell. But I wish you would play pool with me, go a bit crazy, goofy and l

"Wonder what hes doing? Should I text him.... ? No,  not now, I should let him be, give him space, he will just find it annoying...but maybe... agghh, if I still think in a few hours that I should, then I can, Yeah Thats right..... What would N or A do ? Gaaad why am I so weird about these things... Okey If I just... Oh god, No I said something Stupid right ?.. great...and no reply... thats it then. wonder what he will think of me now.. Oh dear.." Yeah, the obsessive circle, we think about them, we worry that were forgettable (well I used to), that if we somehow dont keep in touch we get forgotten, and the worst; our obsession thinking about what we said, what he said, what we said and might have been understood the wrong way, scared that we scare them away be writing one too many, wanting to "Fix Things" by explaining them and then worry about the fact that we were over-explaining. Oh.. and dont forget about that blue mark on your Whatsapp conversation..saying

Hello again, it's been a while. The reason I haven't been writing for so long is that I've been writing work applications about 100. I've also been back home, felt happy and then again quite hopeless, not sure on where I wanted to be, but I knew it wasn't staying in that spot again. I needed a move on of some kind a fresh chapter. I hoped to find work within my own field, within something that would get me one step closer but turns out it was even harder then I thought. I asked that question "please just let something happen"... and sure enough the next day I'm booking flight tickets, and now I'm in London. Oh what an week it's been.. Sometimes the things you seek out for turn out to be something that just doesn't feel right, you have to listen to that voice, work hard and try all you can to reach your goals, but accept that sometimes things can't roll in the speed you want them too. A different turn for a while might be just what y

I've always known that I'm a bit weird.  I think out loud, make up songs of things in my surrounding, sometimes even without noticing it. I mean who doesn't like a good tune about tooth brushes ? I laugh a lot, sometimes in inappropriate situations and I can get so mesmerized by a guys existence next to me- that I as I listen to what he's telling walk in to a lamppost. (yes that did happen in those awkward teens.. ) I apologize even to objects when I pump into them and you should hear my polite phrases gone wrong when I'm tired and want to wish the cashier a good day (but politeness is important, it helps them get through their day !). Even still as an adult I have my special little places I used to have as child, and I pick up rocks whenever I feel happy or safe and keep them in my pockets so that I could hold them when ever I wouldn't feel this way. I used to see this weirdness as something I should hide, some of it is embarrassing right ? But now I wear

I kind of wanted to write this down, you know when you travel and notice things around. When his eyes hit yours and the next minute he`s gone, did you miss something important, was the connection that strong ? Its nice to get that look sometimes, and then you look back, and they look at you twice. They`re a handsome stranger, and you might stop to think, maybe that was that moment, should I have said something? And maybe you could have, and maybe you did, maybe they asked you what you`re reading. But he got on that bus, and then he was gone, you might feel a bit hopeless, did you manage to lose something ones more ? But as you go on you remember the time that you need,  And getting these looks, it grows confidence, don`t you think ? So for now enjoy the looks that you get, believe in your worth, look around you, have you noticed them jet ? You`re beautifully extraordinary, don`t you ever forget <3

With the smelly bag on my back I was almost homeless yesterday, I came from the camp where I worked and will continue on Monday, I hadn't booked a hostel and didn't know where would stay, I took a shot and headed towards Earls Court to first find a Cafe. With the same clothes I slept in inside a cold tent, 3 warm blouses and pants with mud, I felt so out of place for London Central, I decided to avoid South Kensington, would probably have given a posh lady a heart attack. Luckily for me just around the corner I found A place, and now Im staying here at Earls Court for another 3 days. The not having a home to go to, being a bit lost and out of place, made me feel quite lonely, and I miss home even more these days. It made me think of the homeless, that we all deserve a warm bed, to be on foot is tiring, a home base makes you feel safe. But for me this is just another adventure, compared to them this is a choice, and soon I will be home again. But back to ba

I know we don’t talk much I know you ran away and I know your busy, as you so often say I know we all forget, and it hurts to know that it might be in your ways but here I am still hoping, that you would turn around and say; How you been, I´ve missed you And its becoming clearer everyday Im sorry, I forgot, I was set in my ways. I ask you so much whenever I have the chance, and theres so much I like to tell you, If you`d only ask. I know how it sounds, its all a bit sad, but maybe I want to restore a piece of something that got left behind in our past. Im here too you know, there are things happening where I stand. In my heart and in my life, oh how I wish you would understand. You never see further then your distance, at least no longer, and maybe that is all it will ever be, But still these words I keep repeating, hoping, that one day you would return the question back to me To a certain W

Travel alone, it doesn't have to be far, but by throwing yourself in there you always immerse in something new, You rely on You and grow through each turn you decide to take. You meet new people and through that shyness a braver you breaks. This journey makes me stronger for me, for her who needed someone and for you who I`m yet to meet.  So until then, let us grow,  and then tell me all the stories,  there`s so much I want you to know

I haven`t been writing in a while, so today (since I`m leaving for travels again tomorrow) I decided to write a few. I though about starting with something that many of us girls have faced in our world of dating or when a guy makes a pass at us. So here`s a message to you, Mr Cheese; We have all met you, of boy have we, Mister Cheese. Nice to meet you again Mister Cheese. My appetite for cheese has faded from having so many bad tastes before but when you try to convince me yours is different, to come closer, somehow I fall to taste ones more. I wish you one day would leave the cheese, realise that A real man doesnt need to cover his words in a fatty layered feast , if he really means it, then his true genuine actions is all he needs. And oh cheesy man you may have actions but often you are the type of guy who forces it to fast, and what I have noticed, is that your fast F1 styled passe, only is a red flagged sign that you will leave the scene even faster then you flirtingly sometime

Sometimes sweet words can make you forget, they can blind you from your course, I thought that after deciding to be determined I would be my own boss. But as it turns out, sometimes your heart eventually chooses to listen and at some point even fall. I guess they where words I for so long wanted to hear, but they came too soon, too fast, too rapid, and I no longer saw clear. But words like that need time to truly catch a meaning. And as I stepped aside, shaked off the words, and looked at it all from distance, I remembered my promise, hugged my inner lovebird and set back the course towards that direction that again, for a while, will never be forgotten. To every occasionally lost lovebird <3

I`m sitting at a cafe in a small town as the end of this trip I made in a country where I`ve never been  before. I turned 25 this weekend and it has lead me to think about getting older, I mean I`m halfway to fifty and one quarter of my way to a 100 has now passed by (thanks grandma for pointing that out in the card..) but in a way thats a relief. I mean life has only started. But even though there is so much time ahead you start to think of the big ones, when does it all come together, when do you find them ? I mean 30 the ”you should have it all figured out” age is getting closer, And for a long time I thought that its the age of 27 that I will get married (dont ask why, it was just a number that sounded good to my ear..) but here I am, 2 years until that and Im sitting alone, went to sleep alone at my hostel, with this only roommate of mine, an older man in his 60s snoring more loudly than all the 7 dwarfs combined. Well, its not all that bad, no really, I had a fun weekend in A

I wanted to write this for all that anxiety that sometimes builds up inside, for those moments you start to feel the heaviness of that lump. Sometimes we cant handle it, we cant control it, it just comes, and I think you have to accept that too, it will come and go. You might feel that you have trouble getting up in the morning, But I found, that the more you stay in the dark, crawled up in those worrying thoughts, maybe accompanied by a feeling of hopelessness, sadness, and.. sometimes.. maybe even anger, the worse you feel. I often then end up feeding myself, giving myself more things to worry about. It feels like tying yourself tighter and tighter with something so thick and (like walls so high) that you find it hard to see past it. But take a breather, theres a wonderful world behind that wall. Even a little cup of the and the ray of sun can help you see that, absorb. Ones you let yourself breathe, tears may fall, its the accepting feeling of releasing those bonds you tide yo

Happiness, Perspective, Laughter, There is nothing better then girl time when our head is doing overlaps for all those love troubles in our life or when were stressed about overreacting, feeling low. To have our girls around often has the power to remind us of what is truly important; Our own happiness, not giving up our days for things that cause else and that we are okey (no..wait amazing ;) ) just they way we are ! It is like getting our light-pulp ignited often with that extra clarity giving advice, knowing that were not the only one in those shoes, that empowers, opens up our hearts and minds and makes us realize things like;  - Lets not let those boys use us as doormats, We deserve the absolute best ! - And even in situations where they never meant too, (but how can we know ?!)  and were the ones over-analyzing it, [ stressing due to confusion, doing our own conclusions, worrying were the reason, feeling low and then worrying of seeming crazy in their eyes due to

Last time I took you so deep inside my head, my over analyzing and fears, that I wanted to slow it down, show you another direction that from time to time can give your exhausted mind some hope, To sometimes let yourself look at your surrounding with a playful mind can be just what you soul needs to keep on going. I written about signs, sometimes true and sometimes lovely and  ridiculously crazy. I told you about how I sometimes ask for something that would guide me in the right direction .. so that you would know what to do. Do you sometimes believe in Magic ? That last summer when I, for what would be the last time, was heading back from the island to that life I never seemed to be able to truly call my home, something happened.We had to get a ride from strangers to get to the last bus. There was an old couple, coming from another island, that were headed the same way. They where delighted to help and as we continued with the journey we got to hear about their life. He was a

I told you earlier, that I`m Wide Awake, and aware of my surroundings, but I wanted to take you one step deeper, tell about the thing that makes it even more of a battle, trusting that inner voice. To try to trust your emotions, when you have a past of been spinned, isn't easy. When being scared and unpleasantly surprised, has become something so ordinary, when emotions of low, hurt and worry are so familiar, that you fear that you might not notice when their there to take you down. Are they just echoes from the past or are they caused by something or someone thats right in front of you ? Are you capable of seeing true danger ? Is your feeling of love safe, or is it playing a trick, does it try to cover something that this exhausted heart is tired of facing. or is it real and healed enough to be trusted ? Is it sane to feel love for this, or should I turn away ? Is my fear ones again a sign of warning that could help me see what could break me before it takes me for yet anot

The last days I`ve been feeling a bit down, restless, but without energy to apparently do much about it, and somehow stuck, I´ve tried to convince myself that its probably that dear PMS (yes guys I said it...)  thats rocking my world again, but I don`t know, I think its something else too. Maybe Im feeling home sick ? I though about that too, all those people, and all that what Im used to, our little cultural things, the humor, the duck-pond thats like nowhere else.. .... And yes, I miss that, but that has been my life for so long, and for many parts, at least when it comes to the study life I`ve got older, old.. and so many of my fellow graduate friends back there are spread out, physically and calendar wise, and in a lot of ways I knew that for a long time I had needed something new in my life, and I still do, so Im happy to be here, lucky, which I remind myself of even during days like these. So homesick, yes, but theres another, bigger, yet smaller element to it, something I

How it all comes back to my mind ones I meet someone. The remindment, the flashbacks, the worry, its not him in particular, but its the fear. The fear that there at some point will be a one eighty turn in their ways, that you don`t know what awaits around the corner, but the thing is you will never know if you let that fear take over. Fear can give you guidance, it can warn you, but don`t let it control you. And no matter how hopeless it may seem, that were always let down when we just given it one more go, don`t worry, there are good thing out there, Even in my own state of slight constant doubt and worry, I believe. Non of us should ever stop. I`ve learn the hard way to be aware of whats around me, where I am and where I`m heading. Time gives trust and pushes get me backing. So don`t worry (especially mom:) ), I`ve lost my blue eyes and now I see my surroundings with my own, but with the backpack with all the lessons I`ve learnt to know- I`m walking thoughtfully ahead into the u

To somebody I though I knew; I though that I had found something, I thought we looked at life the same Real... someone who finds it important to be there with you, you know, who wants to feel the raindrops, or the grass under their feet. Being right here without missing the moments that you should forever want to keep. But as it sometimes turns out, the impression was wrong, and your views on real couldn't have been more further away; My real is being able to enjoy life, any moment, without trying to escape. It`s to cherish those important bonds, because without them life wouldn't be the same. Live life by loving it, don`t be afraid to feel, and never (ever) miss even just one simple beat,

The name of this blog is taken out of two different songs that keep me going, while there are many, as you may have seen on my playlist, these two sum up that whats most important. I wanted to write down the part of the lyrics that mean the most but also share the songs for you to listen in case you hadn't heard them before. The first one is "Roar" by Katy Perry which I guess that many of you have heard before. Im going to let the following lyrics speak for itself. I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath Scared to rock the boat and make a mess So I sat quietly, agreed politely I guess that I forgot I had a choice I let you push me past the breaking point I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything You held me down, but I got up Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, your hear that sound Like thunder, gonna shake your ground You held me down, but I got up Get ready 'cause I've had enough I see it all, I see it now

So now I'm here, I mean I'm here, in England. I'm in a city that is somewhere between Shakespeare and Tesco (and I assume that's British :D) still trying to find my way around, the city is a maze, the campus is bigger than I've ever been used to and and the University corridors and all the not making any sense lecture room numbers are making my head spin and have me running up and down each morning and afternoon. I hired a bike for the following 6 months to get around and I'm really looking forward to taking all kinds of trips, big and small as fast as spring comes, if not sooner. I've learnt to use a gas stove and oven without constantly worrying to burn the house down and I`v meet so many funny and amazing people, including my other international housemates. Well there will bee many societies ( including Trekking the countryside and Hogwarts which we all are eager to get to take part in... Yes We Are !) But even tough I'm here, I'm not going to w

I know some lovely couples, and living with them the past two weeks got me inspired to write the following. The perfect match isn't if you like the same colour, share the exact taste of music or enjoy a similar sport. That perfect match is all that in between. Appreciate eachother as amazing individual human beings. Goodnight <3

I have a history of being a pushover. As a child I had a habit of letting other kids decide over me (or well boss me around), ex. regarding what part oh what character I should be in a fantasy play, and I was just happy to be allowed to even be apart of the thing, to not be left aside. As a teenager that continued, I was glad to just be taken with, to not be left alone.I remember a specific incidence (at a scouts camp actually) where my teammates, decided that we should cheat in a competition task where the leader didn't play a big part, by telling the others that I was the group leader since I was the weakly talented one....the only task my teammates gave me during that day long competition was to keep a track of time. I was happy just to get to be with them,that the allowed me to be there, but within me, as so many other times, it did hurt, I just didn't say anything and did my best to bury those feelings... well, we ended up winning that competition, but the way to do th