Roar in the Afterglow

  We all struggle to see the flaws in in our ways and actions, as that requires us to reach down and pick at the pieces of our fragile tower, our home, ourselves.  But in order to grow in our relationship with others we need to listen to those around us (let them tell us what they need, how we sometimes hurt them, and how they feel). It is not an easy task- but truly listening (with an open heart) brings us closer to understanding one another and it helps wounds and towers broken bricks to heal. It is stronger and more lasting when it knows that it can (and will) face what is real.  Honesty.. and parts of that fragility disappear. Honesty.. we live our lives to the fullest, good, flawed and sincere. In life there are many times we need to face ourselves, and this is not the only, growth comes from facing our flaws and then tangling them, slowly;  Perhaps we left our own voices aside, then felt hurt and tired as we had to explain what our boundaries where like, we nev...

This is a post about what I deserve, and why I left an engagement ring behind at nearly 30 and how that decision was never made out of anger but out of love. I am not afraid to learn and grow, neither within a relationship or on my own, But relationship requires teamwork, Capability to look beyond ourselves, See our impact from the eyes of someone else, For pain we cause we do not run or look away, we deal with it and listen to the words they have to say. It is hard, I know, it is called growing pain. Love is much more then a dance under the stars,  it is measured when the growing pain starts, it will happen once in a while,  But love grows stronger through empathetic communication, each and every time.  We are all human, and h ave our ways effecting the ride.  I t is building trust that gets us through the tide. I deserve a teammate beyond all else, so without it I can let go of the milestone ” engaged before 30” that was ahead. More important than getting h...

I previously wrote about making life choices and the importance of staying true to ourselves when making them and choosing our path. But no matter how much these bigger choices (like changing career or moving to another country) and smaller ventures (that will be mentioned here) lay on our mind ready to take action, there is something to consider once we make the conscious big choice to enter a relationship; - our partner. Our now most important commitment of all.  We all go through moments in a relationship where we need time to go out and venture to for-fill ourselves and our own wants and needs and where our partner might momentarily be physically left aside, whether it is going travelling on our own, going on a night out with our single friends, leaving for a longer job gig abroad, or (as my ex had) spending alone time hiking and camping in the same tent as a friend of the opposite sex. Sometimes we need to get away and take a breather, other times it is simply part of our pers...

This will be a short one, You can find more (and on having anxiety and being hsp) under  why I don´t slam doors and my own wellbeing I try to understand you and my own effect on you so that I can support you as a friend, forgive you as a partner, and paint a truthful picture in my heart and head. That leads me to the part where I do it for me, my well-being, my view on us and outlook towards the future people I may meet- I try to understand you (and me) so that I can see you and us as we were and are, but erase the possible monster that I see when things get dark, I try to shine in the light that is all. I can heal the fearful doubt for others that arises in me, to not paint them over so relentlessly. They deserve that just as much as you and me. 

I wanted to write the following post about mental health struggles and the importance of dealing with them, both for ourselves and in order to not drown the loved ones around us- show empathy and take responsibility. I myself had worked on all these things for years- writing, talking, getting rid of shame, practicing healthy self-love as well as understanding towards others. I met with professionals until I moved abroad where I then re-gained my confidence that had been lost throughout my life. I thought I was done healing until my return back home years later last fall, reminded me of the past with its still present trauma related panic-attacks and my always present anxiety. My now former partners un-dealt struggles dug up my buried anxiety and trauma infused fears, panic hit within me. Mental health struggles do not only hurt you, they also suffocate the loved ones around you. I wanted to take responsibility. Life is too short and humans around us are too loved and important not to...

This is a list of some sorts, it goes hand in hand with what I wrote just before. How to build a stable cross-cultural relationship abroad 1. Be SECURE IN YOURSELF, wherever you are. This is the number one thing before putting any pillars in to a relationship that you want to last, near to home or far away. You need to be able to find a secure center within yourself- for when times are good and when they are difficult. Neither can support the other if as soon as you hit a wall you as a partner are breaking apart. Trust in one-self is an important start.  2. Have YOUR OWN PILLARS for an additional sense of security. Realize that you are a new addition to someone elses life, you can not control your partners possible family problems that need time (and healing) to get resolved. Let them take their time, trust that it will one day be alright. Yes, these pillars of our own are hard to find and build, especially if you are newly arrived in the country you are in, But that is w...

Become whole and complete, teach yourself to surf even when hit by waves of anxiety. For me anxiety is a part of me, but I learn to walk through it, after years of hard work I found trust in me. It does not matter where I am, where I am I am me, others do not need to transform themselves to fill the holes in me, it is my mission to become whole entirely. You are welcome to walk right beside of me. But first you need to strengthen your own sense of inner security.  Become grounded in yourself, build yourself strong enough to become what you need from me. I will support you but I can not fill all the holes within you that you see, you need to become your own Oak tree. The waves will come, filled with anxiety, that is why you have to be a tree, find the roots within yourself. Sit with your anxiety. We each need to find our own sense of inner security. One day I will meet your inner Oak Tree.

They say that long distance relationships do rarely last and are hard to maintain, and yes, it is difficult holding on the the flame and keeping your weekly date-nights solely over a Skype-call with a 7 hour time difference and a virtual tour of the Louvre or Tate modern (whenever a shared game of disco glitter battleship, discussing Chump or talking about the containment of your laundry basket seems too casual). I am also almost certain that those same dating guidance rules do not (at least actively) recommend getting struck and divided for an indefinite period of time by a global pandemic. I miss you there across the Atlantic. A lot of things feel unknown, like when can we get back to normal, what will the new normal be ? Will we be allowed to live in the same country ? A whole plan of marriage, visa, work-opportunities, children and a house to grow old in has been put on hold over night. Luckily this waiting game is not new, and being apart is just simply something we now conti...

It is healthy to argue sometimes, both in order to clear the air and get into a better place with each-other, but also to know that there is safety- a net that will catch you even if you let those mental frying pans fly. Do not be afraid to share your opinion, or even to let out some steam.  And no- we (I will get to that soon..) are not arguing right now. But we have had some pretty hefty discussions, both stemming from each of our individual anxieties.  We all have our monsters in the closet.. that eventually need to come out and throw cookies and tantrums..and as adults, eventually calm down to a more understandable and calm pace- And we both need to be there for one another when the other one needs to be heard.. even if it for a while would make us want to throw our own cookies against theirs. What I have learned- through not only my relationships and dating life- but also through family and friends, is that a relationship can become stronger once the insecurities are...

It was not your fault, you are not to blame. For with another open hearted person they would have done just the same. You believed in good, and please always do. There is nothing wrong in loving something we believe to be true. But know this, it is inside of you- that love they told you were missing, they painted void and blue.  You are not lacking- only finding your strength, Never doubt your own pillars my friend.  Shame on those who sweep us off our feet, take us for a dance as they question our knees. There should be no shame in getting in and out of a dance, a rhythm we were shaken to as we tried to stand. True love lets us take all the time we need, it does not leave us feeling guilty for not jumping off our feet. Neither does it pressure, it gives us space to find within us what we need. True love lets us breathe.   -to my friend, a gardener

I wanted to write about male self acceptance, both physical and otherwise. The idea of the ideal man. Strength, a pack of six and brave as a bull. No- humans are not Captain America- or whatever character your head might turn you too. And. p.s I am sure this fictional character has troubles too. like unwanted body hair. or anxiety. Do not let the cameras fool you. Neither do they look like Adonis- and if you or your friend does (or get close to it), congratulations. it is all a pleasant bonus.  But that's the thing- bonuses; fit, guitar skills and the energy and streak of luck to create a start up company like all the millenials- no matter how appreciated, they are just that. a cherry on top of the sundae. The Sundae being You. Now before this gets to ice cream referenced let me rephrase that. You are enough. Honesty, a warm embrace. It does not matter if there is or isn't dandruff sometimes. Love handles. Oily skin or a beard that will never start growing even if y...

I wanted to write something about going on adventures of your own- even after you found someone who would walk there beside you to any  corner of the world. Now, this might not fit everyone's idea of a relationship- but it is an important value and hope in mine. With so much time spent walking this earth solo, making plans and taking planes, hikes- breathing out after a past I left behind- I have grown fond of this feeling- the freedom, the time to myself. It is a part of me I will always need- a hug that no one else could give.  Being someones companion- team- does not always mean walking with you, beside you- literary. It is just as much about giving space- showing understanding. Be happy for the other part going out there in the world and gaining the strength and peace that they need. And I guess in a lot of ways staying sane for themselves- and through that for others. Understanding that, is love.  So, there will be times when I need me, breath in, remind myself tha...

He asked me what I want, so here it is; I want giggles, maybe on a rooftop. Because out in the open with the stars right above me I can breathe. I want a sudden Irish pub, a band, my excitement- from my heart to my feet. I want that cheers and long nights, unforgettable moments, that are shared with friends. I want you right there beside me, time and time again. I want a spontanious coffee or a street-food stroll. I want comedy night or a song that without walking into that place- that exact time- neither of us would have ever known. I want to know you- you in real life, outside four consistent walls. I want to explore this life with you, without you, find the ground for my feet.The one big thing here is, that I never again want to miss a beat. Take away, Netflix, convinient hours and chill- a protentious dinner at an uncomfortably protentious restaurant is not my thing. I need true effort, on a personal level- then and only then will my heart and mind truly say ´pling...

If you wait long enough a new morning reveals. There are no failures You're a fighter She wakes up, he breathes. I don't care how long you stayed in bed, it is not a competition, Wiggle you're toes for a while instead. You are still here- despite the hell you've been through It doesn't matter what they think, What matters is you. There are many reasons to shut down the lights, but the one that keeps on burning is the fact that you're still alive. I hope somewhere you're smiling, not for the world to see, but within yourself- for whatever reason it may be. I hope you find a reason to see the day until its end. And then.. A new morning reveals. You're a hero dear friend. .

We all want to love the person we fall in love with (who they are now), we all want to tell them how much we cherish their strength, their capability of standing up, and staying that way. We all want to love someone for the smile they bring with them, for the laughter that now brightens up our face. But I want you to love her too. I am not my past, I left that behind. But I still hold her hand, till this day, always, and each and every night. I don't need you to love me that much, I know you already do. But she needs reassurance; that you would have loved her too. It wasn't pretty, I was a mess. But each night I tell her, I do not love her any less. Once someone I loved, used the word %#!?¤ when describing girls who...well lets say look for attention in obvious ways. I was her, she was me- only my hope for love (how twisted it may have seemed) was within those walls and the paradigm of something that would never be received.  I don't even call money makin...

I'm the girl who dreams of flowers, but hopes for a text back. I'm the girl who's face lights up when hearing "maybe", but wishes so dearly that you would run for her through the airport tracks. I'm the girl who leaves a message so you could hear my voice, but almost never dares to ask you for a call (no pushing), it should be a simple choice. And when you then later text me, something short, funny, well we are back on the same track. I'm the girl who would run a mile, just to see the smile on your face, I'm the girl who hopes that one day you would feel that way I'm the girl who is used to hear you thinking, "isn't it all one and the same ?" I'm the girl who's learnt the difference between daydreams and reality, but really- this cutting it short, it is a shame. ' I'm the girl who allows herself to hope that one day you'll suddenly cross the threshold to the bar, but I'm also the girl who knows- the...

7 candles lit up, my face -like fire crackers. No wishes, they rarely last. I did like people normally do. it echos, my past. I look at you. I like your face, it reminds me of sunny days. freckles, beard, sleep, sweat, it echoes, I can`t feel my feet, I'm in a haze, I step outside to see the stars in their grace. I'm right here, and I will be okey. I go back inside, you're fast a sleep. but I got my air. I'm still me. I know this concept might be too big, too deep, too heavy, I'm scared but still I chose to speak. I wrote it down why the air, why do I cry and tell you that I fear that I'm not there. you deserve to know what you see, I owe it to the future me,  I opened up a wound,  the thing I'm carrying those times I get up, outside, and look at the stars and the moon. But like an empty note, I'm still waiting for the words; it's okey. Your past isn't appalling me from you in any way. Sorry, I fell asleep...

With you, next to you, you on mine and me on your shoulder, Together-  I want to grow, and grow older. Life is not a flawless picture. It is a perfectly imperfect un-photogenic mixture. It is hugs at 5 am, burnt toast, long haul flights and movie nights, it is a missed phone call, a car over-packed with toys, dreams come true and socks on the floor, it is stressful weeks- and love once more. It is together figuring out this thing called life, It is sudden laughter, It is your smile, The way you look at me; and I know we will be alright. It is every raindrop, every breakdown (car or human). It is every worry or past nightmare I promise not to hide, It is our balance, annoyment but love that never died. It is You & Me, messy. honest. real. I promised to love all of you so I wont just take a half, all of me- uncensored- and you still reach for my hand  .. and  so I know, We will last. With still butterflies in my stomach and spilt milk...

When you wrap your arms around me tonight, please do not hold on too tight, but please do not roll away from me either, that is not what I want, neither. And do not wonder if I suddenly press on the light.. I think you understand, I can still feel the echoes from my past But I wish you stayed right here with me, no force, no pressure, just two heart beats. This, safe and sound, is where I want to be. I would love to have you close to me.

Ever witnessed mistreatment, or heard words that made you turn your head ?  Ever walked on as if what you witnessed was something normal- pretending like it never happened- that it is not up to you to stand up to what was being said ? Do you ever think who else might have heard it, who might hear it again-by the end of this day ? How they thought that it is accepted- to be talked to this way.  Have you ever thought who`s business it is to teach our youngsters not to call each-other names, have you ever let it continue, blaming the parents for their ways ? It is not our place to interfere, it is not our problem so why should we care, and god forbid- if we decided to say something- what if someone stared ? But what if we could change the current, help the river shift its stream ? What if we could end a vicious cycle even if it was "just a badmouthed kid who does not understand what it means".  What if we could change a life, or even just a day ? What if this ...