Skip to main content

A walk in the dark


They say that long distance relationships do rarely last and are hard to maintain, and yes, it is difficult holding on the the flame and keeping your weekly date-nights solely over a Skype-call with a 7 hour time difference and a virtual tour of the Louvre or Tate modern (whenever a shared game of disco glitter battleship, discussing Chump or talking about the containment of your laundry basket seems too casual). I am also almost certain that those same dating guidance rules do not (at least actively) recommend getting struck and divided for an indefinite period of time by a global pandemic. I miss you there across the Atlantic.

A lot of things feel unknown, like when can we get back to normal, what will the new normal be ? Will we be allowed to live in the same country ? A whole plan of marriage, visa, work-opportunities, children and a house to grow old in has been put on hold over night. Luckily this waiting game is not new, and being apart is just simply something we now continue to do. We made a decision 7 months ago that we both believed and now know to have been for the best, we wanted to build up a strong and healthy base for our future that we both still see laying ahead. Sometimes when building a team you have to, out of love, set each-other free. Him back home getting the medical checks and support from family that he needs, and me re-building my life here- stress and worry free. Holding our fort together as we speak. 

But this fort of ours is much more then the apartment walls you see, it is more then daily skype-calls or more or less interesting talks about politics or unmade laundry.  

It is grown from the pieces found while hiking on our feet, climbing mountains, crossing railroads at sunset and in the songs we sang to keep each-other company. It was built in the dark over pitch black moors, not knowing if our destination was right ahead of us or 5 hours more. With you, after all of our adventures (big and small; missed trains, getting slightly lost, my hyperventilation, scenic drives, a punctured wheel and more) I never feel afraid of uncertain times (like these) or ashamed of my anxiety- no matter the extent of time you always walk right beside of me. 
The mutual support, it really helps in all this uncertainty. 
Thank you for loving me

A part of me wishes I was there at the green-red and sheep covered hills again, before it got uncertain when darkness fell. I wish I was back there with you and without a care in the world. Life was wherever it took us and so was the world. But that is not where we are. We are walking through uncertainty- together, yet apart.
I look up and we see the same stars, 
Thank you for holding my hand in the dark. 




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Are you not lonely ? (and my stay in a small bothy at the Isle of Canna)

Loneliness for me is a common feeling while travelling solo, don't think (when you are following my adventures on social media) that I am immune to it. I like the solitude at times, and it builds a stronger relationship with myself, to do this on my own that is, but I often wish I had found my companion.  I keep turning every rock, stair into wells to see a reflection next to me, stay open minded and socialise at home. I wander to all corners of the world, I am on all the apps- talk to locals. I am not shy. But so far he has not been found. I have (in moments of hilarious lighthearted desperation) even tried to go back in time Outlander style, if he is not in 2024, maybe in 1878. Perhaps a man from the Bridgerton era. Times are tough, and there are not plenty of available healthy mature fish in the sea, perhaps an old tire, but fish- well most of them have been caught by now, or they were let back into the sea for a reason. The trash never even made it to shore, people do not want ...

Little Sparrow (about self perception)

I wanted to write down something about self perception. How our looks, physical strength and the way we sound and come across to others, affect the way we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves. My mission here was not to write about the make-up on our face or that eye catching dress we could wear. But rather the people...humans we are. The ones we will always be. For a long time I had quite a low confidence. That low confidence came from how I perceived myself, and I still struggle with that from time to time. You see I knew I was small, short, clumsy, sometimes a bit chubby (boys nickname for me in Pre-school was Christmas ham) and later just small as a twig. I had struggles in finding that voice inside, and when I did I was afraid that that voice was too big- not suitable to this body of mine. I was afraid of being too loud.. too annoying.. I became quiet...awkward... and at moments invisible trying to keep the awkwardness away from daylight. Sometimes it sprang...

To learn to see all of you with new eyes (self perception after leaving an abusive relationship)

I am sitting here on the floor with a cup of tea in my hands, wiggling my toes. The mirror is right in front om me and my newly washed hair makes me look like a natural Aretha Franklin or a very fluffy Chewbacca, both probably equally as cute. It feels quite nice to be able to sit here with myself like this, to just be here, here with me. For a long time I could not. I avoided mirrors, I could not look into her eyes.  The humiliation had made me vulnerable, I felt ashamed, did not want to see her, me, and I also avoided facing the truth, the pain I knew I could see in my eyes. I want to explain what I meant by "Thank You for Humiliating me, for I have learned to see my own beauty" in my post Thank You . As I told before, he pushed me into things I did not want to do. As the years went by I fell into silence I stopped having an own opinion or to say it out loud. I accepted that this was the only kind of closeness that I would get, so though it hurt that he treated me tha...