Roar in the Afterglow

My grandpa passed away some years ago. For a long time during my teenage years and some into adulthood I felt light-years away from him, in our morals and teachings to follow. I was only looking at him like a priest, with his bible, a hungry need for being in the spotlight (he was a well liked radio host, preacher, author, playwright, ceremony holder, documentary film maker, pilgrim arranger, met the pope once- you name it). When I was feeling down at the age of 17 he wrote me a letter about watching more of TV7 (a local conservative evangelical christian channel), he told me it made his days brighter and that I should try it too. PS. He was not conservative, I think. We never talked much, not really. He had 3 grandchildren.  I do not think that he ever really knew me, and neither did I take my time to view him as a person behind the priesthood which he so often talked about. But when I look back on him now, as I found myself and stand supported, I can see past the job he had chose...

Are you also struggling in social situations when small talk is exchanged ? Do you, like me, feel like a awkwardly jolly firecracker or a burst of rainbows trying to fit in with the beige that the situation seems to require and everyone else seems content with and managing ? I often wonder how it seems to come so easy to others.. -Side note;  I am lucky to say that through finding myself later in adult life I have found hobbies that fit my personality- and friends who do not look or walk away, but join me in my charades or big deep and sudden topics(and who's brain seems to vividly and unapologetically work the same way). Also, similar to you or not- true friends will adore (and sometimes tolerate) your silly ways.  Its not to say that I can't act plain, I can play the beige card- laugh subtly, not make too much noise, stay calm and only stick to beige topics, like; hows school, hows work, hows the food, was it a long drive.. ? And I can even stay quiet, shove myself aside. No...

I do not know if the people around me through these past 10 years understand how much they mean to me- how they shaped so many "firsts" for me. Firsts after I freed myself in order to live and breathe freely (despite the fear/distrust I had for what I would end up drawing to myself in this world, and my place in it), firsts after I broke my mental shackles and left him behind.  Most moments- happy and sad, and teaching- I embrace (or at least later reminisce) with gratitude. I live each day (from the inside out and by taking the outside in) and grow. We are never fully healed (and our traumatic pattern among else puts bumps to the road) but to still be walking ahead is a gift. I am thankful.  Just to Be Here. Growing.  I haven't always been easy to be around (anxiety, panic and a rambling mind/mouth) and I want to apologize for anyone I have "run over" and not heard. But I want you to know that I am aware, and thank you for being there. There are several moments...

To become our own best friend, I've found, is one of the most healing and strengthening skills we can teach ourselves as we walk through our life in this messy world filled with love, pressure, expectations, trauma, learning to put up boundaries, growth, crippling loneliness, chosen solitude, joy for the little things and building new/starting over.  To listen to our own needs (and as we do- listen to and put up our boundaries and how we need them to be for the time being) is what we have to do in order to reach inner happiness and peace. What we need, and what we want and choose to keep out for our own well-being goes hand in hand.  Sometimes we might have to take a break from certain company, from certain activities, maybe change our job or job-pattern, maybe step away from friends who distract our process or demand to much in comparison to what we actually can give. Maybe we need to leave behind those who never valued us at all. Follow your heart, and path to self-respect. ...

I wanted to write about people out there, human beings, and the joy it can bring simply to know that they exist. And even if we only got to have them in our lives briefly.  I recently went solo travelling once more, and met inspiring people at the hostel and among the locals as I opened my eyes and let my notion explore. There are those in life I only came to met briefly and those I knew for longer, but who turned into a memory as we no longer (for one reason or another) shared a path. I can, and have learned, to appreciate their gift to the world (and to themselves) in simply being human and growing into becoming who they need. As well as being able to find thankfulness and (if needed) strength, in life´s uplifting simplicity.  - There were the kind hostel workers, mostly young men- still finding their feet, still not knowing where they wanted to be, but thankful for their wonderful community. - There was a girl in the bed above me- the first night she arrived we giggled as I...

  We all struggle to see the flaws in in our ways and actions, as that requires us to reach down and pick at the pieces of our fragile tower, our home, ourselves.  But in order to grow in our relationship with others we need to listen to those around us (let them tell us what they need, how we sometimes hurt them, and how they feel). It is not an easy task- but truly listening (with an open heart) brings us closer to understanding one another and it helps wounds and towers broken bricks to heal. It is stronger and more lasting when it knows that it can (and will) face what is real.  Honesty.. and parts of that fragility disappear. Honesty.. we live our lives to the fullest, good, flawed and sincere. In life there are many times we need to face ourselves, and this is not the only, growth comes from facing our flaws and then tangling them, slowly;  Perhaps we left our own voices aside, then felt hurt and tired as we had to explain what our boundaries where like, we nev...

  So what are my struggles (still to this day)? *continence to my previous post about taking ownership  As I have written here before I struggle with strong anxiety waves that I have had gotten to know and acknowledge over the past 8 years, ever since my self-discovery began. The anxiety waves that sometimes lead into a feeling of panic are mostly physical and pass in a few minutes, to often return again and so that goes on for a while until my mind or body has found its calm. Heavy, head, pounding heart, throat closing up, sweating, feeling like I am in danger and should run even though I might be looking at a family of ducks on a pretty calm lake while eating an ice-cream. I am no longer afraid or ashamed of them and happy to talk about that if anyone is interested or would like to share about their own experience. With my newly diagnosed anxiety disorder I got offered a low dosage of SSRI medication (as mentioned in a previous post). It will take some time for them to truly...

I wanted to write something about friendships gone lost from what they used to be or those friendships that now show up as likes and comments but that where never really found in real life due to lack of time and placing. Those friendships that could have been something if we (and I) had been confident and aware enough to do something about it back then. I wanted to write about the human bonds that appear on the light up wall on our screen, but often get lost and only stay with us as a distant memory. I wanted to write something to the dear people that I have met, built a bond with and lost contact with as lives changed and years rolled on. As well as the people I only met halfway, the one I met at that party, or who once took a class with me, those who shared something that touched me deeply, those who continue to inspire me, those I see and bond with on my social feed. I want to get past the hurdle of simply saying`; `-hey, you have been on my mind' I want to gather courage...

Become whole and complete, teach yourself to surf even when hit by waves of anxiety. For me anxiety is a part of me, but I learn to walk through it, after years of hard work I found trust in me. It does not matter where I am, where I am I am me, others do not need to transform themselves to fill the holes in me, it is my mission to become whole entirely. You are welcome to walk right beside of me. But first you need to strengthen your own sense of inner security.  Become grounded in yourself, build yourself strong enough to become what you need from me. I will support you but I can not fill all the holes within you that you see, you need to become your own Oak tree. The waves will come, filled with anxiety, that is why you have to be a tree, find the roots within yourself. Sit with your anxiety. We each need to find our own sense of inner security. One day I will meet your inner Oak Tree.

I decided to try and clear my thoughts on the reason why I at times can not seem to give an answer to a question handed to a group I am part of (think planning a school presentation in the past, practical tasks, quiz-night) This probably has something to do with me becoming overwhelmed (inside my head mostly) by noises and chaos. Or the obstacle when trying to converse in a foreign yet fluent language. But it is more than that- you see I sometimes struggle to understand. I can not put the sentences together, they are coming out of all directions around me, and by the time the question has been read out once- I have already forgotten it- Or, struggled to understand it all together. I need time to think. Paint a picture in my head. This does not take many seconds..well depending on the length of it all.. but those second, or minutes always need to be re-kindled (re-started) if something (noise, chaos and general hurry) comes and blocs the way. I am however (somewhat) good at doing my p...

How are you feeling ? What gives you that feeling? What pulls you under and what brings you down ? And in comparison what is it in your environment that lets you stay with your feet on the ground ? What is it that makes you crumble, makes you anxious, tired and disoriented everyday, is it something in your work-life; that 8 hours and aftermath that you bring home each day ? If a big part of your life effects you deeply on a negative level it might be time for a change. For a long time I have searched myself- and always thought that for a for-filling life it is a successful career that counts, a title, a degree- the way it looks on LinkedIn or what other people- especially those who thought they knew me- think and see;   "- I did not know she had that in her- but look at her now"  "- Wow- she really made something of herself- she is climbing that ladder higher than I thought". But this searching process and finding oneself is really-truly about someth...

stop the growth, stop the blossom, as someone might eat them, tear them apart. something I learned, as I let them grow too far, there were lilies appearing, so sensitive and bright, sticks would be better, and less vulnerable- right ? Once they roamed my garden, I guess I made it too inviting. My garden, me. Stop the blossom, stop me. Do not let me breathe and flourish free. That is not how I want my life to be. - to my friend, a gardener in the making

It was not your fault, you are not to blame. For with another open hearted person they would have done just the same. You believed in good, and please always do. There is nothing wrong in loving something we believe to be true. But know this, it is inside of you- that love they told you were missing, they painted void and blue.  You are not lacking- only finding your strength, Never doubt your own pillars my friend.  Shame on those who sweep us off our feet, take us for a dance as they question our knees. There should be no shame in getting in and out of a dance, a rhythm we were shaken to as we tried to stand. True love lets us take all the time we need, it does not leave us feeling guilty for not jumping off our feet. Neither does it pressure, it gives us space to find within us what we need. True love lets us breathe.   -to my friend, a gardener

If a product could talk, told you where it came from and how it was made, how its creators were feeling and how long of a journey it had to take, - would you still want to buy it, put a chip into this game ? How much did its bargain price and mass produced parts take away from the birds, monkeys and trees ? How much is our air polluted for our (pointless) wants and needs ? And once it was sold, who got the profit ? The stockmarket, a mansion or someones needing pocket ? So in 2019, support Fair-trade, sustainable, local or independently made, or buy the already produced ones -no double footprint, re-use the same. Give back to the planet what you take, a charity or a hard working maker this way. 

You know the uncomfortable feeling you get each time you hear the soundtrack (or That beat) from the cult classic Jaws ? What would it be like if that feeling effected your sensors physically (and you felt the tunes and beat like a deep drum) and then that heaviness got stuck on repeat for a while.. a few hours ? Or maybe went away only to return as soon as the bus drove a bit to close to the curve and heavily hit its backside against the concrete with barely no sound ?  And as the heaviness hit you and all your sensors where overloading (lump in your throat, rope around your heart- pulling and releasing, heatwaves) you would have needed a quiet space- a neutral blank page to calm the engines down- gather yourself, but instead you are faced with crowds, the bus, grocery shop, the world does not stop turning.  There are many different things that a Highly Sensitive Person (about 15 % of the population) can find as their cryptonite..or in less Marvel words- stressors. There ar...

Today I wanted to explore therapy (or more so, how we all are already doing it every day- if we look closely,  Ever thought about getting therapy- or heard someone say that they where receiving it or trying to get a referral, and you thought "Yikes", maybe even got slightly uncomfortable. Everything is therapy, so let us break the Taboo. From Psychoanalysis and CBT, to drawing class, watching the ocean or eating a sandwich on the underground. At different times we need different kinds, but we all do undergo them, and we all need them. From personal growth to taking space for ourselves, a deep breath, finding calm from the sound of waves, or spending memorable time with friends.  Calming down in a busy world can be challenging, maybe you are one of those who have tried and simply can not find the focus, too many gremlins and cymbal playing monkeys in your head, don't worry- they are often taking over most of my inner peace too. But that my friend- acceptance, being ther...

One of the most valuable lessons in life is that no one else will be your knight in shining armor (or Wonder Woman or Xena). In life, you ride your own white horse. And that said; you are the key to your own happiness. So don`t wait. And do not lay the expectation on someone else. You can take your own adventures, today (okey maybe not today but like when you get annual leave). An you can buy your own flowers. You can comfort And I am not denying the fact that it would be nice to one day have someone to do some of that for you. But until then. Don't wait, and even then. You are, and will always be, your own knight Here are my weekly £2.00 flowers, celebrate your life

I wanted to write down something about that feeling, that still catches up with us who have faced trauma, many years down the road, It creeps up whenever we get close. This might be hard to read for someone who is still recovering, I do not mean to make this matter into a joke. But as this comes up so frequently, almost 10 years later, I decided to make this in to a slightly humorous post. Maybe this will open my eyes for all the things that go lost. When PTSD hits me the hardest I struggle to tell which one of my instincts is telling me the truth. Are the Orange socks leading me back towards abuse ? That poster of Metallica, shirts with holes, or green liquor drinks filled with milk..... those frighten me the most. I am sure Metallica is a great band, and that strange art on the wall is not a sign of reckless mood swings. But what if I am wrong, what if this really is a sign.. I am starting to loose it. I want to trust your comforting hugs, not fear that your favorite cerea...

A few years back I wrote about healthy love- and how to know if you found it, I gave an example I use; Empty room, Travelling the world (and life) and your own feeling (do you feel happy ?).  To be able to answer these questions time is needed, unless we of course are thinking of someone who is down right hurtful, and after experiences and self growth we learn (step by step) to let go- and stay away from them..we can read faster...  ....But, all people are not bad (even though I am far too familiar with the fear and worry). There are so many good people out there, they are good- even though they might have some growing to do, they are good- even if they might not be right for us- what we need, and what we deserve. Individual needs do not always match- that is the reality of life. People are not like puzzle pieces.. and it is when we grow and learn to see our own weaknesses and others- that we realize that we have to stop expecting for prince perfect (he is human too). Thro...

What defines us as adults, what really says that we "Made It" ? Based on how the world is rolling, how expectations of success and its meaning is built up in our mind, our society.. It is a career is it not? It is a plan, it is a house, it is money, it is LinkedIn.. it is a desk, it is a title, it is a Volvo with the perfect quota of kids....  Or is it ? Is it the milestones, or is it the journey ?. And which journey..? The one where we lift the bricks and build our way to the top ? The journey where we want to fit in.. Or is the life laid in-between and under, the space behind the stage ?  The learning from our mistakes, the making of mistakes, accepting our flaws, living with them, acknowledging them? Acknowledging others around us.  Not hiding behind a mask- But truly living. Building (by listening and learning) the bricks to our own unique perfectly imperfect self, to the best selves that we can be.. laughing,  stopping, listening, feeling, understanding, ...