So what are my problems (still to this day) ?

 So what are my problems (still to this day)?

*continense to my previous post about taking responsibility and ownership 

As I have written here before I suffer from strong anxiety waves that I have gotten to know and acknowledge over the past 8 years, ever since my self-discovery began. The anxiety waves that sometimes lead into a feeling of panic are mostly physical and pass in a few minutes, to often return again and so that goes on for a while until my mind or body has found its calm. Heavy, head, pounding heart, throat closing up, sweating, feeling like I am in danger and should run even though I might be looking at a family of ducks on a pretty calm lake while eating an ice-cream. I am no longer afraid or ashamed of them and happy to talk about that if anyone is interested or would like to share about their own experience. I am also about to meet with a doctor to discover whether or not I have an anxiety/panic-disorder, would be interesting and informative to get an answer. 

I do not have social anxiety and even though I am very sensitive to crowd and noise I love to be around people, smiles laughs, good hearts and life lessons are infectious. 

I struggle to concentrate sometimes due to all the anxiety in my head, due to this I might not always hear what you said. I am still trying to understand the first sentence. maybe I have ADD too, or ADHD. If I just came to you from a noisy traffic I might also (in my head) be very distracted. I am very restless and when I am anxious I tend to walk around in a circle in my flat, not capable to do much else until I get my head to relax. I make to-do lists and listen to podcasts and music to keep me on track, but if I intend to read a book I really Really have to take much time to down-switch and relax. I am hopeless at yoga. Hiking works better for me. Doing that I meet and great and wash away all the anxiety that comes my way. 

Due to my anxiety I used to over-analyze and react on anything that was left unsaid (or have a need to re- explain my own anxious words). Confidence has thought me that others sudden silence might not always be related to me, and if it is they deserve a space to breathe. I do not need to re-explain myself or go back and read old texts. I´ve learned to trust faith and to love and accept myself, the ones who are meant to be in my life will understand, I will take my time to learn and grow, but they will love me as I am. 

Another way my daily anxiety affects me is whenever I have a friend in need of advice or help for example with job, study or apartment search. (sometimes I tend to jump in and help when the help is not needed, my help can get quite exhausting to follow.. as I can get a bit hyper and loose track of my intensity). But my friends know that I mean well, and they can tell me (I´ve told them too) when my help gets a bit too much and makes them overwhelmed. I know it does. I am a good information finder but also slightly addicted to this "hey check these things out" link-sharing. To not let my impulsivity effect my friends and loved ones I save links/ideas/suggestions on my computer or phone. Once I calmed down I think them through and delete anything unrelated and send (if I ever do) the helpful ideas to them as one file. Won`t cause any impulsive phone buzzing anymore. 

However, This helping behavior can still affect me when hit with panic and trauma and trying to solve something that is causing me fear. Apologies to my former partners parents for trying to find answers/an explanation for to his moodswings when he wouldn't communicate. Communication over text and skype for 1 year, with a person who is struggling to talk about his condition (severe ADD and Anxiety) is not an easy thing to do. Clear communication, body language and respect towards my worries (awakens trust) helps. More on my trauma triggered behavior below. 

Ofcourse like all we are bananas that can get brown, I have my relationship and childhood baggage that I`ve written so many times about.  These feelings and fears and worries of mine sometimes get combined with my anxiety that can roll over to panic. I too can act impulsively. But I've learned (for the most part) to calm down that part of me- or at least think, take time, write down and sleep- maybe tomorrow this worry (and the panicky need to fix it) wont be so deep. However, if hit with fear (trauma) I often act immediately. This can come out as action (words/cry/reaching out).

On a completely different leaf I have a few times in my life (after I left my abusive relationship 8 years ago) experienced a few second of body freeze (has happened intimately). 

I am not scared to talk about these things, I carry my emotional scars and hope that one day they will let go of me (trauma therapy is waiting for me), and you are allowed to ask my story, I believe in breaking taboos through shared knowledge and peace. I will not feel shame for what happened to me. What my body and mind is doing is simply protecting me. 

See there was a time where I believed, that I could not make a choice of what happened to me. Now I know better, and no one can take that away from me, the more I carry that mantra the less I freeze or react impulsively. I just wished I did not act at all- there is no need for protection anymore. My lifelong task is to break down these walls. I want to live a life less fearful once more. 

So there is the childhood trauma and not being heard, there was the abusive boyfriend I left 8 years back (and a few more bad experiences after that), and if a partner is drunk/drinks often I believe I could get a panic attack. Luckily I do not tend to draw myself to drunk people anymore, working at a pub in England did the trick. 

That leads me to another thing, emotional acknowledgment is important to me- the lack of that sends triggers in me, if I express a fear I need you to listen, not to explain. This fear of not being acknowledged, respected and heard, cared for is also linked to the fear of " I can not choose what happens to me". As if someone treats me badly I am stuck and need to fight or understand the source in them, rather then understand that I can walk away myself. Sometimes I also need to learn to trust and understand that the person in question never intended to hurt me, here clear communication, time and trust is key. 

When someone wants me to change and become someone else to fit their need. My former partner often pointed out in his anxiety how important it is for him that his girlfriend has shared similarities with him; in other words both like, manage and fully enjoy his very specific chosen hobbies and pass times as he did not want to do them with anyone else. He did not have much interest in mine. I lost myself once all those years ago, I will not loose myself again. You love your partner for who they are and encourage them to do their thing because of the smile it puts on their face, even if you do not fully understand it yourself. We do not try to mold others to become copies of ourselves. We are all individuals, let's cherish them. 

Sudden personality change is another fear, I fear that the person I trusted has disappeared, all ground falls under my feet, others sudden mood-swings bring out the worsts in me. Clear communication is really important to me. I do not recognize him anymore, where is the person I once knew ? I feel hopelessly stuck and forget that I can walk away too. I do not have to be dragged down with them and I can choose otherwise. 

Fear rises within me when a partner refuses to deal with their mental health or other things that would directly affect me, I see the future screaming right in-front of me. I beg them to take responsibility  (goes linked with fear of lack of emotional acknowledgement, personality change, and not being in control of what happens to me).

Even after I left someone the anxiety is still within me, especially if they rarely open up and only talk about their mental health struggles to me. Once I bonded with someone (and they haven't hurt me physically) I care for them deeply. I need to know that they have support around them before I take my space and leave the scene. Knowing that someone suffers in silence is not easy to me, I need to break the silence whatever the means. Example; Once I dated a guy in London who had a recent history with self-harm. He had ended up in hospital but never talked about it to anyone, but he opened up to me. He cheated on me, it broke my heart. I could have left him with anger, but hate does not come easily to me, I knew his scars and the image of his continued silence inflicted me. So before I left him behind for good I wrote his far away living parents who I had never met a " fb messenger-letter". I could not move on from him knowing what I knew, he had to have his guardian angels on the loop. They were thankful to get to hear the truth. I could leave him at peace, no more worrying for the douche. He never got to know that I sent in his troops.

And as I have said so many times before, I want to heal and will take responsibility. An eye- opening and supportive therapy journey is waiting for me <3