Skip to main content

When I knew I had to set you free (completely)


This past year has been a hellride as we both fought our anxieties. You wanted answers for us and I wanted you to stay back home where I sent you in September; find work, a path, structure, stability- I wanted it so bad that I caused you more anxiety, to which you wanted to fly back here and hold me immediately as that would extinguish the pain and the truth- at least momentarily. You realized that that was wrong, you would not be able to stay for long, ADD and Anxiety was knocking on your door. Many ups and downs, your moods, and tears of mine saying "listen and fix it this time". Later you wished for me to come to you- but I knew that it would not be the answer, tell you the truth it scared me. I would feel lonely as a person can be. You need to learn to live with yourself and no one can tell you how that should be (loved ones can advice you but you are your own key) - you will find your own way (in your own time), eventually.

And so I changed the name on our former door, this castle of mine across the Atlantic is not yours anymore. As we already discussed I will send you your most precious things, you deserve to be set free. You are no longer attached to a life you struggle to see.
I release us both from this anxiety.
I will always love you, and despite our hellride I have learned so much that now I can see, that by letting you go you will always be a dear friend to me.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unhinged

Forgive yourself, lets start with that.  Anxiety can (and will) at times make us act all out of whack I used to pray; do not do this to me again.  Whatever you do- do not let me stumble off towards the edge. But you will stumble, that is a fact, so forgive yourself for falling way off track.  Find those around you who agree to communicate- not say what they do not mean and then leave the truth unsaid-causing you to sprint towards the edge. The edge gave you answers, truths that were left unsaid. It extinguished the feeling of hopelessness.  The what ifs, whys and fear of losing the shots you do not take, the ticking construct of the little time that is left.  Tick-tock, knock-knock and you find yourself unhinged.  Tick-tock, knock-knock you realize the spin.  Tick-tock, knock-knock, mortification creeping in.  Deep breaths darling You are not mad Deep breaths darling The right people will want to understand Deep breaths darling I will hold your ha...
Post a Comment
Read more

An intuitive journey back to my solo travels

For the past few years I have had a fallback in writing. A lack of inspiration and a feeling that I had already written about "it all", or the things I really wanted to say at least. Perhaps it is the SSRI medication that for the past 4 years have been numbing (in a good way) my anxiety- but also keeping my head away from mind loops, or perhaps I just got to the end of it- let out all the biggest of Roars.  But, whatever it is that has made me write less, I will make sure to not stop completely. I do enjoy this too after all, it is not only an outlet for something anxious, it was always supposed to be more than that. Something to lift spirits, bright up days, encourage others to live (or continue too) live their best and most for-filling lives. So, I decided to go through my solo travels, one by one. Because what might not have been obvious through these text through the years (that is- mainly from the summer of 2016 forwards), is that I went on adventures, on my own (mostly)...
Post a Comment
Read more

My dream way of living; minimal housing, community, flexibility, nature, adventure

For a few years now I have wanted to live in a tiny house on wheels;           a mobile, ecological, minimalist grandmas cottage. Big windows, wooden floors, natural and warm yet bright surfaces,with pops of color (sunflower yellow kitchen cabinets, turquoise tiles or a single tea-pot) and Moroccan and Scottish throws and pillows. A spacious bedroom loft with a window in the ceiling, a small and not too heavy fireplace to keep the house warm during the winter (or just to boil tea and that cozy factor), a tiny wooden sauna room at the back with an inbuilt shower and half of a giant whisky barrel which could serve both as a sauna seat and bath tub. Storage space under the stairs (my goal is to have as little "stuff" as possible), a dinner table that comes up from the floor when needed, a couch/storage by the window. Wheels underneath to get to new exciting locations when needed (for work, other responsibilities or due to climate change), a few wooden fold box...
Post a Comment
Read more