Roar in the Afterglow

They say that long distance relationships do rarely last and are hard to maintain, and yes, it is difficult holding on the the flame and keeping your weekly date-nights solely over a Skype-call with a 7 hour time difference and a virtual tour of the Louvre or Tate modern (whenever a shared game of disco glitter battleship, discussing Chump or talking about the containment of your laundry basket seems too casual). I am also almost certain that those same dating guidance rules do not (at least actively) recommend getting struck and divided for an indefinite period of time by a global pandemic. I miss you there across the Atlantic. A lot of things feel unknown, like when can we get back to normal, what will the new normal be ? Will we be allowed to live in the same country ? A whole plan of marriage, visa, work-opportunities, children and a house to grow old in has been put on hold over night. Luckily this waiting game is not new, and being apart is just simply something we now conti...

It is healthy to argue sometimes, both in order to clear the air and get into a better place with each-other, but also to know that there is safety- a net that will catch you even if you let those mental frying pans fly. Do not be afraid to share your opinion, or even to let out some steam.  And no- we (I will get to that soon..) are not arguing right now. But we have had some pretty hefty discussions, both stemming from each of our individual anxieties.  We all have our monsters in the closet.. that eventually need to come out and throw cookies and tantrums..and as adults, eventually calm down to a more understandable and calm pace- And we both need to be there for one another when the other one needs to be heard.. even if it for a while would make us want to throw our own cookies against theirs. What I have learned- through not only my relationships and dating life- but also through family and friends, is that a relationship can become stronger once the insecurities are...

It was not your fault, you are not to blame. For with another open hearted person they would have done just the same. You believed in good, and please always do. There is nothing wrong in loving something we believe to be true. But know this, it is inside of you- that love they told you were missing, they painted void and blue.  You are not lacking- only finding your strength, Never doubt your own pillars my friend.  Shame on those who sweep us off our feet, take us for a dance as they question our knees. There should be no shame in getting in and out of a dance, a rhythm we were shaken to as we tried to stand. True love lets us take all the time we need, it does not leave us feeling guilty for not jumping off our feet. Neither does it pressure, it gives us space to find within us what we need. True love lets us breathe.   -to my friend, a gardener

I wanted to write something about going on adventures of your own- even after you found someone who would walk there beside you to any  corner of the world. Now, this might not fit everyone's idea of a relationship- but it is an important value and hope in mine. With so much time spent walking this earth solo, making plans and taking planes, hikes- breathing out after a past I left behind- I have grown fond of this feeling- the freedom, the time to myself. It is a part of me I will always need- a hug that no one else could give.  Being someones companion- team- does not always mean walking with you, beside you- literary. It is just as much about giving space- showing understanding. Be happy for the other part going out there in the world and gaining the strength and peace that they need. And I guess in a lot of ways staying sane for themselves- and through that for others. Understanding that, is love.  So, there will be times when I need me, breath in, remind myself tha...

Follow kindness,  it really is that simple.  sometimes when you're captured by the mess of usual choices they are standing right there, you only start to notice them when you step out and see it clear.  a space to breathe was the first, joy was the second, now I'm gratefully dancing and tapping my feet, you ask me if I'm cold and how many movements I can do to this beat.  Endless I tell you, you see kindness was the key, It lifted me up to where I deserve to be.  - to my dads golden advice- 

You know the uncomfortable feeling you get each time you hear the soundtrack (or That beat) from the cult classic Jaws ? What would it be like if that feeling effected your sensors physically (and you felt the tunes and beat like a deep drum) and then that heaviness got stuck on repeat for a while.. a few hours ? Or maybe went away only to return as soon as the bus drove a bit to close to the curve and heavily hit its backside against the concrete with barely no sound ?  And as the heaviness hit you and all your sensors where overloading (lump in your throat, rope around your heart- pulling and releasing, heatwaves) you would have needed a quiet space- a neutral blank page to calm the engines down- gather yourself, but instead you are faced with crowds, the bus, grocery shop, the world does not stop turning.  There are many different things that a Highly Sensitive Person (about 15 % of the population) can find as their cryptonite..or in less Marvel words- stressors. There ar...

He asked me what I want, so here it is; I want giggles, maybe on a rooftop. Because out in the open with the stars right above me I can breathe. I want a sudden Irish pub, a band, my excitement- from my heart to my feet. I want that cheers and long nights, unforgettable moments, that are shared with friends. I want you right there beside me, time and time again. I want a spontanious coffee or a street-food stroll. I want comedy night or a song that without walking into that place- that exact time- neither of us would have ever known. I want to know you- you in real life, outside four consistent walls. I want to explore this life with you, without you, find the ground for my feet.The one big thing here is, that I never again want to miss a beat. Take away, Netflix, convinient hours and chill- a protentious dinner at an uncomfortably protentious restaurant is not my thing. I need true effort, on a personal level- then and only then will my heart and mind truly say ´pling...

As a child we could do unsuccessful cart wheels followed by a smiling grin,  we did not think much of what they thought, no worries rolling in. Until teenage life put on its spin. "You're great but.."over and over started following a few years later, No wonder we now set out to break our own heart, no wonder we diminish ourselves in advance. "I'm a bit crazy, and I'm not that smart, and clumsy.. yeah you saw that from far." Nervous laughter, and on the inside we are thinking.. we ruined this from the start. This is how we break our own heart. But what if we could sit in that swing again, smile with a grin all the way through and till the end. No worry or embarrassment of what we would have raised in their thoughts. just us, as ourselves, and the right people will never be lost. Unbreak your heart.

When you wrap your arms around me tonight, please do not hold on too tight, but please do not roll away from me either, that is not what I want, neither. And do not wonder if I suddenly press on the light.. I think you understand, I can still feel the echoes from my past But I wish you stayed right here with me, no force, no pressure, just two heart beats. This, safe and sound, is where I want to be. I would love to have you close to me.

I wanted to write down something about that feeling, that still catches up with us who have faced trauma, many years down the road, It creeps up whenever we get close. This might be hard to read for someone who is still recovering, I do not mean to make this matter into a joke. But as this comes up so frequently, almost 10 years later, I decided to make this in to a slightly humorous post. Maybe this will open my eyes for all the things that go lost. When PTSD hits me the hardest I struggle to tell which one of my instincts is telling me the truth. Are the Orange socks leading me back towards abuse ? That poster of Metallica, shirts with holes, or green liquor drinks filled with milk..... those frighten me the most. I am sure Metallica is a great band, and that strange art on the wall is not a sign of reckless mood swings. But what if I am wrong, what if this really is a sign.. I am starting to loose it. I want to trust your comforting hugs, not fear that your favorite cerea...

A few years back I wrote about healthy love- and how to know if you found it, I gave an example I use; Empty room, Travelling the world (and life) and your own feeling (do you feel happy ?).  To be able to answer these questions time is needed, unless we of course are thinking of someone who is down right hurtful, and after experiences and self growth we learn (step by step) to let go- and stay away from them..we can read faster...  ....But, all people are not bad (even though I am far too familiar with the fear and worry). There are so many good people out there, they are good- even though they might have some growing to do, they are good- even if they might not be right for us- what we need, and what we deserve. Individual needs do not always match- that is the reality of life. People are not like puzzle pieces.. and it is when we grow and learn to see our own weaknesses and others- that we realize that we have to stop expecting for prince perfect (he is human too). Thro...

Do you have that one place, a place that means to you more than could easily be put into words? I am sitting at mine right now. I wrote once before about knowing that you found love, on how I often think about an empty white room, if that was all we had for a moment, would I be happy right there with him ? But life is not an empty white room, it is each-others lives we step into. I used to climb up on a big rock when I was little, my thinking rock. Here I would make everything from potions to soups in the nooks and holes of its surface, collect and store pieces of twigs and stones and look at all the formations while sitting on its back. But most of all this was a place to think, to calm down; to gather myself. For some time now there has been a pier surrounding this rock, I am resting my back against the bench, the bench is carved to hug the rock. My parents often sit here, during every season, whether it is winter, fall, spring or summer. It is not too win...

Fall in love with the feeling of real, of being right where you stand, visible, heard, here. Recognize when You are a part of  a dialog you are invited to. Recognize when you feel whole, Recognize when you get to stay this way, when no one makes your self loose touch. I promised myself a long time ago to never fall for what I could feel was sinking me, but about a year ago, there I went again, listened, got lost, listened again, but not to myself. He could not see me since the fence of himself was too high, he only saw him, and I could feel me being left behind. I remember a time inside a gallery on a summer sunny day. I ran out to the window with the biggest view of the open sea and I remember saying now that is what real art is to me. Some weeks later, when I was still trying to understand  his ways, I could feel myself not being in touch with where and who I am. I felt an urge to run out to the sea. I took of my shoes and stood in the waves, he called me crazy, I laughed...

I know some lovely couples, and living with them the past two weeks got me inspired to write the following. The perfect match is not if you like the same color, share the exact taste of music or enjoy a similar sport. That perfect match is all that in between. Appreciate each-other as amazing individual human beings. Goodnight <3

It is not easy knowing whether what you found is right, is this love real ? Is this love safe ? How do I truly feel ? It can be difficult to be honest with ourselves. I usually (or well, those few times I get this far) try to ask myself these 3 following questions, and I hope they can help you too; 1.   If all you had was an empty white room, could you sit there with just them, as they are, and would they sit there with you ? Do you love them for them, or for the things that come with ? Do we love them for a hobby that they have. their family or friends, their social status, A high position at a fancy company or the ability to treat us with luxuries ? And how about them, what is it that they love about You, is it You they love ? Would they be enough as they are, would you love them even without all those things? And how about them ? Sometimes there might even be things that come with that we find annoying or that we do not like, or in worst case makes us feel unsafe, ...

What do I think you should look for in a person ? . . Choose someone who will love you for who you are, who supports you, encourages you and hugs you often. Choose someone you can share your troubles with if you wanted too.  (sometimes we do not want unload on to them all that we are carrying) ... just knowing that you can gives you a feeling of calm.  Choose someone who will love you know matter what size or shape, as long as you are happy, that is all that should matter.  Choose someone who will not laugh At you, but With you.   Choose someone who loves and admires you for your strength. Choose someone who will be there to catch you if you fall.   Choose someone who hold your hand when you need it.  Choose someone who encourages and support you to reach for you dreams.    

Over the past years I have been thinking a lot about how guys talk about women and how they talk to them, what they say that they look for in a woman and so on. Some men (and of course women too) can be very superficial and also talk in (my opinion) a somewhat degrading manor about the other gender... Personally I have been in a Sauna as the only female with a bunch of guys, and listening to them talk about us like.. well.. it was not nice to hear. To be honest it made me feel a bit sick. How can men, far past puberty, and in an age where you would think that they would start acting and thinking like grown ups, still talk about women as.. well.. pieces of meat ? A woman is not just "good boobs and nice ass and long blond hair, or whatever hair-color,  or figure you desire " made me feel nauseous even writing that sentence... It is not my puzzle to solve, but I hope that they in time, whenever that is, learn to better ways and do not teach that way of talking to their ow...

Sometimes I feel old, old like 40 at 24. I guess it is all that energy I gave away, I am tired, but want more then anything to live again, not necessarily smart (seriously sometimes I doubt my IQ when I can not seem to open a door) but maybe somewhat wise, or wiser than before. I do not do (as many) stupid things, I listen to my gut when I feel that something is or might go wrong, I can leave a party early or drink less without feeling bad about being the "boring one ". I like to go on long walks with a friend, drink tea while sitting by the window, and I save money for travelling to new places, the rest gets saved for the future. I guess I have grown up. At the same time I sometimes miss the feeling that I have never had, of being more care free,  I also sometimes wish that I would be able to let go and live life like it never happened. But you live, and I choose to continuously try to learn from it. Trying to meet men when feeling like an old soul, is not easy. Eve...

Love, Closeness... It is a very private subject.. and we rarely talk about it (at least this openly) But I wanted to, it is important, at least to me. As much as this is the important one.. it`s also the most difficult one.. luckily I just had a glass of wine with my friend, I thought about If I should write this down now or another time, but since it is such an emotional subject I decided to give it a go right now, maybe that one glass of wine just might make me more relaxed.. So...   For me it is a glance and the smile on your face  the touch of your hands, And an honest embrace For where I lay it is you I keep, This changing world I fall asleep Those are some of the words in Vanessa Carltons song Home , that song means a lot to me, and I am listening to it as I write this down. Simply said every single part of this song makes me feel safe and it is that feeling that I hope to have and share with that right someone there somewhere in the future. Choose someo...