Roar in the Afterglow

I wanted to write about something I mentioned in my blog post about anxious caring.  As someone living with anxiety and being highly emotional, I know how intense social situations can feel. How much we want to get our message out, reach the other person, say the right thing, worry about what to say, say too fast and too much and then worry about fixing that straight after. I know the chaos that hits our head, the intense feeling of what if they slip away forever and they never got to hear this, what if our bond breaks when it could have been something deeper and even more understanding and accepting- just because these caring thoughts didn't pass between our walls. What if they are shutting down and in the mindset that its not okay to share your darkest thoughts, what if there alone in there ? What if there falling, what if I could reach them ? What if I didn't try ? To every last bit I try, if I care about you, I will always try. But.. here is one of the main problems.. y

*An add-on to what might have been unclear . (continuum from the last post; Why do I feel the need to tell you just how much you mean to me, when all you do is simply walk and leave ?) I want to reach them behind the silence, make sure that they´r (and we`re) okey. I need to do everything I can to make sure that any bad feelings are swept away (anger,irritation,sadness, misunderstanding, isolation..). At the same time I wish that they'd remember me, value our friendship enough and in hardships be there for me. It tares my heart that this bond might break. That something that seemed so strong and deep- supportive, could suddenly flake. As much as silence could be due to caving in, it could also be because of someone new, but if this was the reason- I´d wish you tell the truth, honesty minimizes anxiety(that I know to be true).  If you gave me some time we could talk it through, this his how much I care about my friendship with you.   *dont accept cheating, you are worth re

I wanted to tell you a secret, a problem I had for long, a problem I will never fully accept but would not live without.. (but it could be un-intensified.. if I only knew how).  My heart and mind rap themselves around another, they breathe you in and out.. when I care I see all sides of you, even the ones you dont want other to see, I see the person, I get connected, by every smallest piece- and so intensefully. This happens with friends, this happens with men.. and with men.. well the dating pattern is often the same.. I pick the ones who never wanted to stay.   When they leave or go silent- like the bond we had never meant a thing, I get all intense and give so much more then I receive. Its like I think that if one of us dies suddenly and we now stop to speak, I want them to know everything about how I really feel, what I been thinking all along, how I will always care about them even if things went wrong. I never say I love you, because truly loving someone takes time, I do

Do things feel like there not going anywhere, like your stamping your feet on the same piece of ground ? Has your heart just been broken ? Are you asking yourself; will I ever get over this.. does this pattern just repeat itself. I feel this way sometimes... stuck... in pain... in an emotional rut.. you name it....sniffling and incapable to see the light, although to be fair.. that light.. even in the darkest of times does, in small glimpses, a little here and there, make it through to reach my receptive self. But seeing the small pieces can sometimes be an exhausting process....in this piece I wanted to concentrate on something else, something bigger. The Magic in a Year. If you think back on last year.. how much has changed, how many bigger or minor heartbreaks have you concurred (and yes.. not still faced..) and how has your view on the world broadened ? How many adventures (some more sudden) has the past year taken you on ? How has your life changed within that year ? And ye

There is a pub filled with locals, their usual drinks and dogs. There is a pub where nostalgic tunes are played by a 70- something DJ, and where all the Sunday celebrating drinkers sing along. Theres this Pub with faithful hippies and punk rockers, Paul McCartney Look alike just made it for a quick stopper. There is a pub where Caribbean seniors chat about the snow over a glass of mulled wine, where the regular asks us to top up the pint of Doom Bar so that his wife gets it ´just right´. Theres a guy who always has Peroni (s) and reminds of Mr Mackey, and the occasional kids running in a circle trying to find paper for the things there about to paint. Theres a live band karaoke that fills the pub every month, and all the people on their Stag Dos and Christmas gatherings that lift the roof with cheerful shouts. Theres the pensioners coming in for sodawater and lime. There are the comedians who perform in the shows (and we rarely have time to meet), and then theres us- the pub

5 for the price of 1, I mean why not- if you can get that.. might even need it later, and what a bargain ! Shop till you Drop... The world is filling up with things, stuff after stuff after stuff.. and then some more stuff just to sprinkle some on top. We are drowning. Yes, it is nice to get new things sometimes, especially if its something we taught about for a long time....Im not trying to be political and im not the best at arguing a case, but allow yourself to think.. how much do you need it ? Can we think twice ? The past years Ive made a commitment, to only shop second hand.. may I say however that Food, Underwear, a recently published book I thought of for a long time or essentials that simply cant be found here are not included. The reason I do this (well besides the fact that Londons recycling scene is quite unique) is, well first of all the money and quality.. its really hard to argue with this lifestyle if you knew that you can find Levis Jeans for 5 pounds.. and in re

Sometimes life gives us lemons… we stumble and hurt our knee, we didn't get enough sleep, we run into our date while looking like shit, we make mistakes, were out of luck and end up missing out on something.. a fun event or that one type of cheese we had planned on buying, the sudden weather doesn't suit our outfit.. we get grumpy, frustrated.. angry, a small thing could set the tone for the rest of the day. However, I wan't you to be aware that I did think about those cases where there is so much else that is lerking behind the reason for our mood. There are the cases where we're going through hardships, when the making of lemonade just really feels like a tasteless joke. Positive thinking, when going through a tough time- that one might sometimes be a hard nut to crack. I used to struggle with this, live a life where everything seemed gray.. well it was gray.. I was gray, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that sometimes this type of thinking just d

One week ago I started this, but then I came back to re-write it, more lightheartedly. Dear men and boys out there, who took the courage to say I will, it's wonderful that you want to show us what examples you will be. And those few of you who said you have, thank you for your honesty- it is heartwarming to see that you now have grown, so that whenever we're around you we can feel safe, respected and free. I know its not all, but I believe there are some, who search for applause and appraisal for what they now have become. That you now realized something that was there all along it was there in the look, attitudes, song and talks, you just didn't do anything about it that's all. For something that should have been a given, you now cho0se to see the truth. to look it straight in the eye, and remind yourself that this person will not be you. And yes you are wonderful lads, and I wish more than anything that your example will lay down a path, so that even th

Be careful, because unfortunately there are stupid people out there, unfortunately there are just some who do not know better, sometimes boys do stupid things.... I´ve been given a rape alarm for my own protection, I´ve been asked if I should carry a maze. I've looked into classes, gathered my strength, thought twice about how I should cover myself, I've planned a safe route as I walked. I've talked with a girlfriend on the phone as I made my way home from the bus, just in case- and maybe, that second witness would scare possible prosecutors away. We take this "everyday behavior" of those some out there, we walk through it, live it and adapt, it is painful in every way. The word Pussy and Girl shake that Ass for me (singed and rapped by men) are mentioned in so many songs and movies, in the language that is spoken and images that are shared. But the word dick doesn't seem to appear half as much anywhere. I've been yelled at, called at and grabbed

This past late spring, summer and fall I´ve put a lot of energy into finding myself- into finding all those things that I previously just had been thinking of or for sometime forgot, in falling in love again with my own curiosity, making my footprints in my sand. I found new hobbies, continued my adventures and made sure to approach my goals with an open-mind, widening my horizon towards all inspiring things I could find. Theres even been a step by step change in career, with determination and sources of inspiration, I can really now see myself on a staircase leading there. I wanted to write down something about losing yourself in someone else. I tend to lose track easily, faster than I liked to admit, Anyone else out there who feels like this, who easily loses sight for all the things they (when thinking more clearly) would never want to miss ? I hope you understand that the situation this is based upon was all but bad, I was the one who lead myself off track -and this is my

Im not afraid to walk alone through homebase Im not afraid to be alone,  I've put up a tent in the dark and slept there on my own. Im not afraid to travel far,  Its on these journeys we learn who we are Im not afraid of riding lifes roller coaster,  even if I sometimes get startled by sudden noises from the toaster. Im not afraid to do this all by myself,  through the years Ive even learnt how to put up a shelf. Im not afraid to make plans on my own,  I learn more and more as I go. .........Im afraid we never meet that I happened to turn away when you crossed the street Im afraid we never got to know each-other because we didn't try Im afraid that our meeting is dependent on whether we swipe left or right. I miss you, wherever you are. I know this is kind of a sad poem, but this is the way I feel sometimes. That the world is moving too fast. That the modern ways of dating dont really let us- or encourages

Im writing this from a lovely (but slightly chaotic at the moment) cafe just around the corner from where I live. The jazz is quite distractive but mixed with the cold September weather outside it cant help but to put a smile on my face. An older man sitting next to me tells me about a leg injury he got from martial arts and that he now, several years later, will receive treatment for it, as well as how life, if you allow to see it that way- is beautiful.. and that karma isn't a bitch, only if you stir it up yourself. Theres owl ornaments on the wall as well as a few guitars, and the Turkish family that own the cafe are having broccoli on the table next to me.  Anyway...  let me get back to what I had on my mind for today..I wanted to write about Letting go of the fear of being rejected. Lately I haven't been able to go out for drinks, or to clubs or any of those other scenarios where you might meet someone (weather clubs and Saturday nights are really the right time and p

I wanted to write down something about self perception. How our looks, physical strength and the way we sound and come across to others, affect the way we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves. My mission here wasn't to write about the make-up on our face or that eye catching dress we could wear. But rather the people...humans we are. The ones we will always be. For a long time I had quite a low confidence. That low confidence came from how I perceived myself, and I still struggle with that from time to time. You see I knew I was small, short, clumsy, sometimes a bit chubby (boys nickname for me in Pre-school was Christmas ham) and later just small as a twig. I had struggles in finding that voice inside, and when I did I was afraid that that voice was too big- not suitable to this body of mine. I was afraid of being too loud.. too annoying.. I became quiet...awkward... and at moments invisible trying to keep the awkwardness away from daylight. Sometimes it spran