Little Sparrow (about self perception)

I wanted to write down something about self perception. How our looks, physical strength and the way we sound and come across to others, affect the way we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves. My mission here wasn't to write about the make-up on our face or that eye catching dress we could wear. But rather the people...humans we are. The ones we will always be.

For a long time I had quite a low confidence. That low confidence came from how I perceived myself, and I still struggle with that from time to time. You see I knew I was small, short, clumsy, sometimes a bit chubby (boys nickname for me in Pre-school was Christmas ham) and later just small as a twig. I had struggles in finding that voice inside, and when I did I was afraid that that voice was too big- not suitable to this body of mine. I was afraid of being too loud.. too annoying.. I became quiet...awkward... and at moments invisible trying to keep the awkwardness away from daylight.

Sometimes it sprang out like a little sparrow.. these days more like an occasional ostrich.

Today I still look at my small wrists, my height, all the space I dont fill.. and occasionally feel like half of a woman. Like theres so much I would want to say...but my physical presence just wont let me.. I'm here.. down here… next to...behind..all the normal sized.. can you see me ? And even if you do, can you truly see me ? I'm afraid sometimes that due to my size (as I slip to viewing myself) those I meet fail to take me seriously.

We have all had our insecurities.. we all still do, but there are certain things we can not change; weather its height, the size of our hands, lifelong health problems, a studder or a disability. We can however work on is how we perceive ourselves. How do we look at that person in that room with all the others? Confidence (a healthy one), that helps us stand firmly in that room - grows from that self perception. How far have you come ? How many battles have you not given up on ? What is your secret for strength ? 

Who are You ?

I often think about being a role-model for my younger self. I do it for her, I walk into that room with confidence (or try my best too) for her, no matter how I feel about my presence and physic. I want to show her what she-I had within me all along. 

Also do not let others opinions (or social media scales on success) direct the way you perceive yourself. Don't let others value your strength. You are the only one who knows how far you truly come. Little things can raise our spirits, self view and confidence more than we think. Whether its about us managing to lift a new weight, building up an Ikea shelf, hiking hills or public speaking. 

We know ourselves the best- we know our own limits, we know when we reached a level beyond, no one else can tell us how much we should be able to- in order to feel good and see the strength within ourselves. Strength isn't about how much we can lift or for how long we can run. How fast we learn or how good speeches we can give without our own interruption.Its about how we can see our own little victories. See a lion in each step we take.  

Once we reach a milestone of our own, we can feel ourselves grow and see that strength that was always there ...underneath it all. I know I can now, more then I used to believe I could.

Me- (and this little body of mine) were tumbling around sand, rock and surfboard, over and over under those waves. and every single time I got up again. I had the strength and will, and kept on going. I know I have the courage for a firm presence yet caring voice when im talking with a social service client in distress. Getting reminded of that internalized skill during my last training made me feel like I grew quite a bit, (like 2 cm :D)  I know I can 

climb coastal treks on my own, get myself home before sunset. 

My wrists are weak yes and I will always be this small, but through piece by piece believing in me I´ve learned that I am strong.

We should feel proud of ourselves, and walk with our head held high. Even if we sometimes (like myself) might be mistaken for a 12 year old child.

And I don't care if my voice sometimes gets "too" deep or high, it will show you me as I am in that moment (even spring out excitement and laughter) and thats alright. With this once in a while ostrich thats all fine. 

So don't pull yourself back in the fear of judgement,

You know who You are

(Ps, you are perfect- just as you are)