I
wanted to write down something about self perception. How our looks, physical strength and the way we sound and come across to others, affect the way we see ourselves, how we feel
about ourselves. My mission here was not to write about the make-up on our face or that eye catching dress we could wear. But rather the
people...humans we are. The ones we will always be.
For a
long time I had quite a low confidence. That low confidence came from
how I perceived myself, and I still struggle with that from time to
time. You see I knew I was small, short, clumsy, sometimes a bit
chubby (boys nickname for me in Pre-school was Christmas ham) and
later just small as a twig. I had struggles in finding that voice
inside, and when I did I was afraid that that voice was too big- not
suitable to this body of mine. I was afraid of being too loud.. too
annoying.. I became quiet...awkward... and at moments invisible
trying to keep the awkwardness away from daylight.
Sometimes it sprang out like a little sparrow.. these days more like an occasional ostrich.
Today I
still look at my small wrists, my height, all the space I do not fill..
and occasionally feel like half of a woman. Like there is so much I
would want to say...but my physical presence just will not let me.. I am here.. down here… next to...behind..all the normal sized.. can you
see me ? And even if you do, can you truly see me ? I am afraid
sometimes that due to my size (as I slip to viewing myself) those I
meet fail to take me seriously.
We have all
had our insecurities.. we all still do, but there are certain things
we can not change; whether it is height, the size of our hands, lifelong health problems, a studder or a disability. What we can however work on is how we perceive ourselves. How do we look at that person in that room with all the
others? Confidence (a healthy one), that helps us stand firmly in
that room - grows from that self perception. How
far have you come ? How many battles have you not given up on ? What
is your secret for strength ?
Who are You ?
I often think about being
a role-model for my younger self. I do it for her, I walk into that
room with confidence (or try my best too) for her, no matter how I feel about my presence
and physic. I want to show her what she-I had within me all along.
Also
do not let others opinions (or social media scales on success) direct
the way you perceive yourself. Do not let others value your strength. You are the only one who knows how far you truly come.
Little
things can raise our spirits, self view and confidence more than we think. Whether
its about us managing to lift a new weight, building up an IKEA shelf, hiking hills or
public
speaking.
We know ourselves the best- we know our own limits, we know when we reached a level beyond, no one else can tell us how much we should be able to- in order to feel good and see the strength within ourselves. Strength is not about how much we can lift or for how long we can run. How fast we learn or how good speeches we can give without our own interruption. It is about how we can see our own little victories. See a lion in each step we take.
We know ourselves the best- we know our own limits, we know when we reached a level beyond, no one else can tell us how much we should be able to- in order to feel good and see the strength within ourselves. Strength is not about how much we can lift or for how long we can run. How fast we learn or how good speeches we can give without our own interruption. It is about how we can see our own little victories. See a lion in each step we take.
Once we reach a milestone of our own, we can feel ourselves grow and see that strength that was always there ...underneath it all. I know I can now, more then I used to believe I could.
Me- (and this little body of mine) were tumbling around sand, rock and surfboard, over and over under those waves. and every single time I got up again. I had the strength and will, and kept on going. I know I have the courage for a firm presence yet caring voice when I am talking with a social service client in distress. Getting reminded of that internalized skill during my last training made me feel like I grew quite a bit, (like 2 cm :D) I know I can
climb coastal treks on my own, get myself home before sunset.
My wrists are weak yes and I will always be this small, but through piece by piece believing in me I have learned that I am strong.
We should feel proud of ourselves, and walk with our head held high. Even if we sometimes (like myself) might be mistaken for a 12 year old child.
And I do not care if my voice sometimes gets "too" deep or high, it will show you me as I am in that moment (even spring out excitement and laughter) and that is alright. With this once in a while ostrich that is all fine.
And I do not care if my voice sometimes gets "too" deep or high, it will show you me as I am in that moment (even spring out excitement and laughter) and that is alright. With this once in a while ostrich that is all fine.
So do not pull yourself back in fear of judgement,
You know who You are
(Ps, you are perfect- just as you are)
(Ps, you are perfect- just as you are)
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