Roar in the Afterglow

Live with all your heart,  and never feel ashamed for trying every mistake, has a silver lining be grateful for all that you may learn Life is too short to doubt every move, every turn Listen, and never be ashamed of being true Stay curious, humble, and always be you respect yourself and those around you,  - thank them for their honesty too Life is meant for living, so never dim your light Pause in your steps,  breathe and shine on bright. 

My grandpa passed away some years ago. For a long time during my teenage years and some into adulthood I felt light-years away from him, in our morals and teachings to follow. I was only looking at him like a priest, with his bible, a hungry need for being in the spotlight (he was a well liked radio host, preacher, author, playwright, ceremony holder, documentary film maker, pilgrim arranger, met the pope once- you name it). When I was feeling down at the age of 17 he wrote me a letter about watching more of TV7 (a local conservative evangelical christian channel), he told me it made his days brighter and that I should try it too. PS. He was not conservative, I think. We never talked much, not really. He had 3 grandchildren.  I do not think that he ever really knew me, and neither did I take my time to view him as a person behind the priesthood which he so often talked about. But when I look back on him now, as I found myself and stand supported, I can see past the job he had chose...

Anxiety, as you well may or may not know is a crippling feeling. It affects your heartbeat, brainwaves, thoughts, assumptions and actions there after.  The good thing however is that the horse can be tamed;  - breaks to your ever spinning wheel (like medicine; serotonin I bow to you, self-discovery, honesty and a little bit of love and laughter at the solutions your mind would like to rush you in to) can be put in place and, for the most part, maintained.  Plus, be kind to yourself when you hit a set-back, these things are bound to happen. You are after all only human. not one of those floating zen creatures with a crystal on you forehead able to have insight and clarity to peoples intentions through the power of mind reading (damn.)- but hey neither are you the Hulk. Phew.   Sometimes it is social anxiety- to me this tends to happen when I walk into an acquaintance, note that I do not have the same problem with close friends or strangers. But there is something...

Lately I have been thinking about how the fear of "it being awkward" can keep us from fully living, making new friends and following our hearts true desire. People often ask me how I dare to travel alone and live in hostels; Is it not it awkward to be alone- and what about when there are groups of friends and you are the only one "alone", or what about if you approach them and they do not catch on... ?  First of all hostels (as my first example) are social (usually), and in most instances you are not the only one travelling alone- and if you are afraid of the awkwardness that comes with the first approach, that is only a natural part of it- and it is awkward and scary the first times, you are after all suddenly sleeping and "living" in the same room and sometimes bed with around 5-10 strangers of all ages and from all over the world - but the more social the hostel and the more "alumni of solo travel" your new dorm-mates are, the more natural and...

Are you also struggling in social situations when small talk is exchanged ? Do you, like me, feel like a awkwardly jolly firecracker or a burst of rainbows trying to fit in with the beige that the situation seems to require and everyone else seems content with and managing ? I often wonder how it seems to come so easy to others.. -Side note;  I am lucky to say that through finding myself later in adult life I have found hobbies that fit my personality- and friends who do not look or walk away, but join me in my charades or big deep and sudden topics(and who's brain seems to vividly and unapologetically work the same way). Also, similar to you or not- true friends will adore (and sometimes tolerate) your silly ways.  Its not to say that I can't act plain, I can play the beige card- laugh subtly, not make too much noise, stay calm and only stick to beige topics, like; hows school, hows work, hows the food, was it a long drive.. ? And I can even stay quiet, shove myself aside. No...

As we celebrate this merry Christmas, try to remember that it is different for all. Not everyone has the grocery store commercial family and close knit jolly relatives. Not everyone looks forward to Christmas the same.  There are those with the inappropriately handsy uncle or cousin, there are eyes that look away and truths that are not allowed to be said; self-protection that is not appreciated to be expressed. There are those with racist or homophobic parents, a yelling father with too much to drink, an angry stressful mother, there are those who always experienced Christmas as a showcase of silverware and anxious hold of breath, there are homes where the children's voices and emotions were never met- as long as the tree is symmetric and perfect on all sides, they do not notice when you sit in the bathroom every year and hide.  There are those who left gladly, and only come for a quick visit when they feel comfortable and emotionally safe, there are those who now post-childh...

This is a post about what I deserve, and why I left an engagement ring behind at nearly 30 and how that decision was never made out of anger but out of love. I am not afraid to learn and grow, neither within a relationship or on my own, But relationship requires teamwork, Capability to look beyond ourselves, See our impact from the eyes of someone else, For pain we cause we do not run or look away, we deal with it and listen to the words they have to say. It is hard, I know, it is called growing pain. Love is much more then a dance under the stars,  it is measured when the growing pain starts, it will happen once in a while,  But love grows stronger through empathetic communication, each and every time.  We are all human, and h ave our ways effecting the ride.  I t is building trust that gets us through the tide. I deserve a teammate beyond all else, so without it I can let go of the milestone ” engaged before 30” that was ahead. More important than getting h...

I am longing for the unconventional. The out of the box, the unknown. Life is too short, the world is too remarkable and you are too precious to confide to a life of 'stay put because what if in 20 years..' I choose to turn around the worry this way.. if your heart desires to explore.. what will you be able to tell it 20 years from now ?  I follow my late grandpas footsteps, a forever explorer (adventurer, project worker, priest and sailor). I also have plenty of globally minded family friends as reference, who work with everything from garbage collection/truck driving, nursing, flight attendant, sailor, teaching, NGO peace-projects to being an ambassador, and an ever adventuring godfather who has sailed around the world a few times, chooses to rent, owns a cottage and is about to row the Atlantic ocean. There are many ways to build an international lifestyle. You can live your life "3 years here, 3 years there" or something of a more mixed divide, this especially if ...

  So what are my struggles (still to this day)? *continence to my previous post about taking ownership  As I have written here before I struggle with strong anxiety waves that I have had gotten to know and acknowledge over the past 8 years, ever since my self-discovery began. The anxiety waves that sometimes lead into a feeling of panic are mostly physical and pass in a few minutes, to often return again and so that goes on for a while until my mind or body has found its calm. Heavy, head, pounding heart, throat closing up, sweating, feeling like I am in danger and should run even though I might be looking at a family of ducks on a pretty calm lake while eating an ice-cream. I am no longer afraid or ashamed of them and happy to talk about that if anyone is interested or would like to share about their own experience. With my newly diagnosed anxiety disorder I got offered a low dosage of SSRI medication (as mentioned in a previous post). It will take some time for them to truly...

I wanted to write the following post about mental health struggles and the importance of dealing with them, both for ourselves and in order to not drown the loved ones around us- show empathy and take responsibility. I myself had worked on all these things for years- writing, talking, getting rid of shame, practicing healthy self-love as well as understanding towards others. I met with professionals until I moved abroad where I then re-gained my confidence that had been lost throughout my life. I thought I was done healing until my return back home years later last fall, reminded me of the past with its still present trauma related panic-attacks and my always present anxiety. My now former partners un-dealt struggles dug up my buried anxiety and trauma infused fears, panic hit within me. Mental health struggles do not only hurt you, they also suffocate the loved ones around you. I wanted to take responsibility. Life is too short and humans around us are too loved and important not to...

This is a list of some sorts, it goes hand in hand with what I wrote just before. How to build a stable cross-cultural relationship abroad 1. Be SECURE IN YOURSELF, wherever you are. This is the number one thing before putting any pillars in to a relationship that you want to last, near to home or far away. You need to be able to find a secure center within yourself- for when times are good and when they are difficult. Neither can support the other if as soon as you hit a wall you as a partner are breaking apart. Trust in one-self is an important start.  2. Have YOUR OWN PILLARS for an additional sense of security. Realize that you are a new addition to someone elses life, you can not control your partners possible family problems that need time (and healing) to get resolved. Let them take their time, trust that it will one day be alright. Yes, these pillars of our own are hard to find and build, especially if you are newly arrived in the country you are in, But that is w...

Become whole and complete, teach yourself to surf even when hit by waves of anxiety. For me anxiety is a part of me, but I learn to walk through it, after years of hard work I found trust in me. It does not matter where I am, where I am I am me, others do not need to transform themselves to fill the holes in me, it is my mission to become whole entirely. You are welcome to walk right beside of me. But first you need to strengthen your own sense of inner security.  Become grounded in yourself, build yourself strong enough to become what you need from me. I will support you but I can not fill all the holes within you that you see, you need to become your own Oak tree. The waves will come, filled with anxiety, that is why you have to be a tree, find the roots within yourself. Sit with your anxiety. We each need to find our own sense of inner security. One day I will meet your inner Oak Tree.

They say that long distance relationships do rarely last and are hard to maintain, and yes, it is difficult holding on the the flame and keeping your weekly date-nights solely over a Skype-call with a 7 hour time difference and a virtual tour of the Louvre or Tate modern (whenever a shared game of disco glitter battleship, discussing Chump or talking about the containment of your laundry basket seems too casual). I am also almost certain that those same dating guidance rules do not (at least actively) recommend getting struck and divided for an indefinite period of time by a global pandemic. I miss you there across the Atlantic. A lot of things feel unknown, like when can we get back to normal, what will the new normal be ? Will we be allowed to live in the same country ? A whole plan of marriage, visa, work-opportunities, children and a house to grow old in has been put on hold over night. Luckily this waiting game is not new, and being apart is just simply something we now conti...

How are you feeling ? What gives you that feeling? What pulls you under and what brings you down ? And in comparison what is it in your environment that lets you stay with your feet on the ground ? What is it that makes you crumble, makes you anxious, tired and disoriented everyday, is it something in your work-life; that 8 hours and aftermath that you bring home each day ? If a big part of your life effects you deeply on a negative level it might be time for a change. For a long time I have searched myself- and always thought that for a for-filling life it is a successful career that counts, a title, a degree- the way it looks on LinkedIn or what other people- especially those who thought they knew me- think and see;   "- I did not know she had that in her- but look at her now"  "- Wow- she really made something of herself- she is climbing that ladder higher than I thought". But this searching process and finding oneself is really-truly about someth...

It is healthy to argue sometimes, both in order to clear the air and get into a better place with each-other, but also to know that there is safety- a net that will catch you even if you let those mental frying pans fly. Do not be afraid to share your opinion, or even to let out some steam.  And no- we (I will get to that soon..) are not arguing right now. But we have had some pretty hefty discussions, both stemming from each of our individual anxieties.  We all have our monsters in the closet.. that eventually need to come out and throw cookies and tantrums..and as adults, eventually calm down to a more understandable and calm pace- And we both need to be there for one another when the other one needs to be heard.. even if it for a while would make us want to throw our own cookies against theirs. What I have learned- through not only my relationships and dating life- but also through family and friends, is that a relationship can become stronger once the insecurities are...

I deserve to pack my bags of worry and leave it in safe hands, I deserve to get back to my life, and the love for it that was always there, I deserve to breathe, adventure, run ..be free I deserve to absorb the sunshine, I deserve to get back to me, Thank you life for reminding me. 

You know the uncomfortable feeling you get each time you hear the soundtrack (or That beat) from the cult classic Jaws ? What would it be like if that feeling effected your sensors physically (and you felt the tunes and beat like a deep drum) and then that heaviness got stuck on repeat for a while.. a few hours ? Or maybe went away only to return as soon as the bus drove a bit to close to the curve and heavily hit its backside against the concrete with barely no sound ?  And as the heaviness hit you and all your sensors where overloading (lump in your throat, rope around your heart- pulling and releasing, heatwaves) you would have needed a quiet space- a neutral blank page to calm the engines down- gather yourself, but instead you are faced with crowds, the bus, grocery shop, the world does not stop turning.  There are many different things that a Highly Sensitive Person (about 15 % of the population) can find as their cryptonite..or in less Marvel words- stressors. There ar...