Why I walked away from an engagement ring at nearly 30 (or why I wont attach myself to commitment issues)

This is a post about what I deserve, what I don´t deserve and why I left an engagement ring behind at nearly 30 (yes, the one in his sock-drawer at his parents house) and how that decision was never made out of anger but out of love.

I am not afraid to learn and grow, neither within a relationship or on my own,

But relationship requires teamwork,

Capability to look beyond ourselves,

See our impact from the eyes of someone else,

For pain we cause we do not run or look away, we deal with it and listen to the words they have to say.

It is hard, I know, it is called growing pain.

Love is much more then a dance under the stars, 

it is measured when the growing pain starts, it will happen once in a while, 

But love grows stronger through empathetic communication, each and every time. 

We are all human, and have our ways effecting the ride. 

It is building trust that gets us through the tide.

I deserve a teammate beyond all else,

so without it I can let go of the milestone ”engaged before 30” that was ahead.

More important than getting hitched,

is having an emotionally strong partner and friend to do it with.

You see that love is for life, isn't it ?

Do not attach yourself to someone who isn't commited to it. 

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It all starts with self-growth (as much as we know of), but once in a relationship, life (and our mind) continues beside someone else, intertwined with theirs. 

I am not afraid of struggles with a relationship, mental health journeys, different behavior than neuro-typical, ups and downs, and taking a good hard look at all the "ugly" whenever needed. By not being afraid to face the truth, and when both parts are willing to put in the work, you open up to the possibility of learning and growth within the relationship and towards one another. We should not dwell in the past but rather learn from it and build forward, become better and safer partners, that is- if we truly love eachother. It is in those moments, when a possibility for growth arises, that you get to see who is really up for a shared life with all its quirks and upcoming tides.

Covid-19 sure has made long-distance difficult, especially if you throw in heaps of anxiety and panic, trauma (mainly me), fairly un-dealt with severe ADD (mainly him), time difference and communication difficulties. Yes, karma, skype it to me. 

I sent him away/separated myself from him a while before, both for him to find his place of stability (and to figure out the symptoms and how to live a good life with his ADD/anxiety) and for me to work on myself, work I had brushed under the carpet before- my life, my trauma, and all the anxious panics that I felt. I want it to heal/ be manageable, for those I love and myself. 

Another deep-dive to the roots. 

A humble step back for growth is just another way forward. 

Before you bring anyone else on board you need to understand yourself and how you effect others and work on it as much as you can, you need to love the world around you enough to want to take a good hard look within yourself, you need to learn to trust that others will meet you half way (and that they will reach further and respect and try to understand the roots to your behavior, quirks and possible pain- and that for them, you vow to do the same). You have to be ready to grow towards a more empathetic version that to others feel manageable and safe. 

You also need to learn that once you decide to bring in another person it is not only your ways, needs and emotions that come in to play. Another set of emotions, want and needs are coming your way- are you ready for them to be set at your bay ? Are you ready for the love; the laughter, the shared dreams, the life, the occasional collides, the growing pain, the heart to heart and the shared lessons and growth towards one another that a partnership or friendship creates ?  If your answer is yes, you are ready, this is how close lasting relationships are made. 

If the answer is no (or not really), that is okey, but sit back, take the time to yourself and wait. 

I do not know when and if he will get to such a place, but he is feeling better now that there is no one else who´s emotions, needs and life he has to accommodate, he can be set and feel manageable in his ways. He wants a partner, but not the strains of a relationship, the mind of someone else or the work that comes with it. His self-protective/self-centered ADD and fear of failure is standing in the way.  It is possible to work through it, you just need to want it, and it might hit him some day - that people really care for him despite his unconventional ways. But I will not be that girl, not as long as he feels no need to change his views , but he is happy with himself, and that is all that matters today. 

So let us get back to the "visa heist" engagement ring, the one that despite its purpose would symbolize so much to me. An engagement at nearly 30, to someone you care about deeply, when all your friends on facebook are popping out babies left and right, you've survived a pandemic and you've planned your dream wedding to happen at 27 since you were 5. Your friend is suggesting that you freeze your eggs until a later time, clock is ticking.. but remember, it is your life, you decide ! No not have babies before your time. So lots of pressure is rising up within me and coming from all sides. 

But the truth is that long before marriage comes the most important commitment of all, a stable relationship; teamwork, communication, active listening, acknowledgement of our own flaws and quirks that effect the relationship, empathy and taking responsibility to build trust whenever we hit a bump on the road. We take responsibility in maintaining and building on a relationship that is emotionally secure. 

If we can not commit to that then take a step back, 

I deserve the kind of love that can acknowledge that.