Roar in the Afterglow

I would run cartwheels right where I stood if you showed up at my doorstep, if you suddenly sat in the audience during my Indian dance or Improv theater performance.  I would remember it forever if you showed up at the airport to say goodbye for now or welcome back,  I would love for you to ask me where in the world I am at.  I would love for you to reach out to me and ask us to read the same book simultaneously and then meet over coffee to share our thoughts, It does not take much time out of your schedule or much effort of sorts, just a suggestion, a thought.  I would love to go out for a joint run or jog, maybe for once right here in my hood- you could use my studio apartments little one person shower,  My home, my little wonderful life- You know you are welcome here too.  Meet me in my life, see where I live and what I do, it might not be marriage and children, or a big suburban house with a yard, but it is me, your friend- still hanging on at the other...

What does true friendship mean to you ? To me it means that they will dance with you in any room like no one is watching (even though there might be other people around who would roll their eyes, feel second hand embarrassment or share and whisper into the rooms you move through). This dancing is of course a metaphor (but doesn't have to be), it could be referring to opening up, talking deep, listening wholeheartedly to both of your biggest worries or biggest dreams- it does not matter if those around do not think that deep- with me you can be you at any time any place, and I hope I can be that with you too. That is what true friendship means to me. We can laugh out loud or cry if we need to, be  as we are in that moment in time, in good and bad (as long as we work on ourselves, and hold ourselves, and each-other accountable) no-one is left (out of embarrassment) aside. That is a word that true friendship leaves behind.  When I was a child I was often embarrassed of myself, I ...

I mentioned before what I am currently grateful of, and now I wanted to take you a bit deeper in to one of those things. Dating (getting to know) men as friends.  The main reason I do this is in order to find hope in men again, rise my standards for how men who I let into my life can behave- not lower them.  - I will not rush into anything, but simply give time to get to know good and emotionally and socially mature human beings (* single men over the age of 30- but all good-hearted contacts bring be hope in humanity). I want to get to know them and them to get to know me. I want genuine human connection, friendships. Not short sighted flings based on me giving in (putting out). I want relationships, friendships that will last regardless of our status. True friendship (and trust in that person) should not be valued any less even if a romantic relationship (or sex) does not turn out of it.  - On top of that I want to give it time to get to know them (and build that trust)....

To become our own best friend, I've found, is one of the most healing and strengthening skills we can teach ourselves as we walk through our life in this messy world filled with love, pressure, expectations, trauma, learning to put up boundaries, growth, crippling loneliness, chosen solitude, joy for the little things and building new/starting over.  To listen to our own needs (and as we do- listen to and put up our boundaries and how we need them to be for the time being) is what we have to do in order to reach inner happiness and peace. What we need, and what we want and choose to keep out for our own well-being goes hand in hand.  Sometimes we might have to take a break from certain company, from certain activities, maybe change our job or job-pattern, maybe step away from friends who distract our process or demand to much in comparison to what we actually can give. Maybe we need to leave behind those who never valued us at all. Follow your heart, and path to self-respect. ...

  We all struggle to see the flaws in in our ways and actions, as that requires us to reach down and pick at the pieces of our fragile tower, our home, ourselves.  But in order to grow in our relationship with others we need to listen to those around us (let them tell us what they need, how we sometimes hurt them, and how they feel). It is not an easy task- but truly listening (with an open heart) brings us closer to understanding one another and it helps wounds and towers broken bricks to heal. It is stronger and more lasting when it knows that it can (and will) face what is real.  Honesty.. and parts of that fragility disappear. Honesty.. we live our lives to the fullest, good, flawed and sincere. In life there are many times we need to face ourselves, and this is not the only, growth comes from facing our flaws and then tangling them, slowly;  Perhaps we left our own voices aside, then felt hurt and tired as we had to explain what our boundaries where like, we nev...

This will be a short one, You can find more (and on having anxiety and being hsp) under  why I don´t slam doors and my own wellbeing I try to understand you and my own effect on you so that I can support you as a friend, forgive you as a partner, and paint a truthful picture in my heart and head. That leads me to the part where I do it for me, my well-being, my view on us and outlook towards the future people I may meet- I try to understand you (and me) so that I can see you and us as we were and are, but erase the possible monster that I see when things get dark, I try to shine in the light that is all. I can heal the fearful doubt for others that arises in me, to not paint them over so relentlessly. They deserve that just as much as you and me. 

I wanted to write something about friendships gone lost from what they used to be or those friendships that now show up as likes and comments but that where never really found in real life due to lack of time and placing. Those friendships that could have been something if we (and I) had been confident and aware enough to do something about it back then. I wanted to write about the human bonds that appear on the light up wall on our screen, but often get lost and only stay with us as a distant memory. I wanted to write something to the dear people that I have met, built a bond with and lost contact with as lives changed and years rolled on. As well as the people I only met halfway, the one I met at that party, or who once took a class with me, those who shared something that touched me deeply, those who continue to inspire me, those I see and bond with on my social feed. I want to get past the hurdle of simply saying`; `-hey, you have been on my mind' I want to gather courage...

It is healthy to argue sometimes, both in order to clear the air and get into a better place with each-other, but also to know that there is safety- a net that will catch you even if you let those mental frying pans fly. Do not be afraid to share your opinion, or even to let out some steam.  And no- we (I will get to that soon..) are not arguing right now. But we have had some pretty hefty discussions, both stemming from each of our individual anxieties.  We all have our monsters in the closet.. that eventually need to come out and throw cookies and tantrums..and as adults, eventually calm down to a more understandable and calm pace- And we both need to be there for one another when the other one needs to be heard.. even if it for a while would make us want to throw our own cookies against theirs. What I have learned- through not only my relationships and dating life- but also through family and friends, is that a relationship can become stronger once the insecurities are...

Follow kindness,  it really is that simple.  sometimes when you're captured by the mess of usual choices they are standing right there, you only start to notice them when you step out and see it clear.  a space to breathe was the first, joy was the second, now I'm gratefully dancing and tapping my feet, you ask me if I'm cold and how many movements I can do to this beat.  Endless I tell you, you see kindness was the key, It lifted me up to where I deserve to be.  - to my dads golden advice- 

He asked me what I want, so here it is; I want giggles, maybe on a rooftop. Because out in the open with the stars right above me I can breathe. I want a sudden Irish pub, a band, my excitement- from my heart to my feet. I want that cheers and long nights, unforgettable moments, that are shared with friends. I want you right there beside me, time and time again. I want a spontanious coffee or a street-food stroll. I want comedy night or a song that without walking into that place- that exact time- neither of us would have ever known. I want to know you- you in real life, outside four consistent walls. I want to explore this life with you, without you, find the ground for my feet.The one big thing here is, that I never again want to miss a beat. Take away, Netflix, convinient hours and chill- a protentious dinner at an uncomfortably protentious restaurant is not my thing. I need true effort, on a personal level- then and only then will my heart and mind truly say ´pling...

A few years back I wrote about healthy love- and how to know if you found it, I gave an example I use; Empty room, Travelling the world (and life) and your own feeling (do you feel happy ?).  To be able to answer these questions time is needed, unless we of course are thinking of someone who is down right hurtful, and after experiences and self growth we learn (step by step) to let go- and stay away from them..we can read faster...  ....But, all people are not bad (even though I am far too familiar with the fear and worry). There are so many good people out there, they are good- even though they might have some growing to do, they are good- even if they might not be right for us- what we need, and what we deserve. Individual needs do not always match- that is the reality of life. People are not like puzzle pieces.. and it is when we grow and learn to see our own weaknesses and others- that we realize that we have to stop expecting for prince perfect (he is human too). Thro...

I wanted to write about something I mentioned in my blog post about anxious caring.  As someone living with anxiety and being highly emotional, I know how intense social situations can feel. How much we want to get our message out, reach the other person, say the right thing, worry about what to say, say too fast and too much and then worry about fixing that straight after. I know the chaos that hits our head, the intense feeling of what if they slip away forever and they never got to hear this, what if our bond breaks when it could have been even more understanding and accepting- just because these caring thoughts did not pass between our walls. What if they are shutting down and in the mindset that its not okay to share your darkest thoughts, what if they are alone in there ? What if they are falling, what if I could reach them ? If I care about them, I will always try.  But.. here is one of the main problems.. you see in this panic that the anxiety raises, we.. or at le...

I wanted to tell you a secret, a problem I had for long, a problem I will never fully accept but would not live without.. (but it could be un-intensified.. if I only knew how).  My heart and mind rap themselves around another, they breathe you in and out.. when I care I see all sides of you, even the ones you do not want others to see, I see the person, I get connected, by every smallest piece- and so intensely. This happens with friends, this happens with men.. and with men.. well the dating pattern is often the same.. I pick the ones who never wanted to stay.   When they leave or go silent- like the bond we had never meant a thing, I get all intense and give so much more than I receive. It is like I think that if one of us dies suddenly and we now stop to speak, I want them to know everything about how I really feel, what I been thinking all along, how I will always care about them even if things went wrong. I never say I love you, because truly loving someone takes ...

This one was a hard one to write, but I felt like it was an important issue to bring up. Loving unconditionally. And I am not talking about staying in a relationship and letting them treat you badly, then you need to love yourself in the same way as I am about to write about loving someone else, see you and your well-being, what do you need to be happy? Allow yourself to let go. I am talking about loving someone even if they did not choose you, are you capable of that ? Can you be happy for them even if that happiness was not with you ? The reason I am writing this is the too familiar ´Now we are just friends but I still have feelings for them- situation´. Been there ? Yes, it is tricky, and no I do not handle it all yogi "let go and say thank you" perfectly. I look at the pictures on that wall of other girls they hang out with, I think of all the chances there are that they meet someone else, better, prettier and more together and less anxious at that Festiv...

I wanted to write a little about the struggle of giving things time, when taking time to know them and end up pushing them aside. When you believe you should not start before you truly know you like them exactly as they are. As time passes by you might find your feelings for them grow only to realize you missed the boat some time ago. The might have meet someone else while you chose to take it slow.  You might find yourself giving them insight on how you wish things would be,  how the right person would sweep you off your feet,  and actually end up feeling like you given them advice,on how to make an impression on someone else they find nice.   I guess there are those who are ready faster than me. From time to time you wish you could go back to tell your feelings sooner then they appeared,  but that is not possible and after all being friends is what you need,  And yes you care for them so you wish them to grow for how...

I have a history of being a pushover. As a child I had a habit of letting other kids decide over me (or well boss me around), ex. regarding what part oh what character I should be in a fantasy play, and I was just happy to be allowed to even be apart of the thing, to not be left aside. As a teenager that continued, I was glad to just be taken with, to not be left alone. I remember a specific incidence (at a scouts camp actually) where my teammates, decided that we should cheat in a competition task where the leader did not play a big part, by telling the others that I was the group leader since I was the weakly talented one....the only task my teammates gave me during that day long competition was to keep a track of time. I was happy just to get to be with them, that the allowed me to be there, but within me, as so many other times, it did hurt, I just did not say anything and did my best to bury those feelings... well, we ended up winning that competition, but the way to do that w...

I wanted to write this for a friend, but even for those who appreciate real or have lost touch to it. I am talking about having contact with people over the Internet, typing through Whatsapp or all the ways people have to communicate with each other through technology. What happened to real? Get of your phones and do everything you can to actually spend time together. And yes, sometimes it is the only way you can keep contact, and in a lot of cases I really wish it would not be. I like real. and typing to someone over the Internet.. that is not it. A smiling face of a small yellow man, no matter how happy he might look, just does not beat a real smile, and the true warmth that lights up inside when you can genuinely feel them being happy. It is like my friend J said; when you meet someone or talk to someone over Whatsapp, It is like you loose your 6th sense. What that means is that you can not really express yourself or show the the real you, its easy to misunderstand each-othe...

There are so many beautiful, funny and smart girls out there, why would he choose me ? We all ladies know that feeling, when we are at a party, a workout class at the gym or just walk down the street. We always see that prettier, more fit girl who seems to have it all under control or that smarter girl who has a presence that you feel that you could only dream of having. You should read my thoughts sometimes when I am sitting at that yoga class, clumsy and inflexible as something out of a bad cartoon, looking at those perfect girls with there perfect tanned skin and long blond hair.. And another example,  a while back, I saw that guys profile picture and there was this girl who had posted like a gazillion hearts (okey fine maybe not a gazillion.. ) and other comments there.. Well she was pretty.. and seemed perfect, and in that moment I thought, well no matter what he said about me, about him liking me.. I do not think I stand a chance.. During the past year I have had this ...