Roar in the Afterglow

When dealt with so many downfalls in the past it is easy for us to take on the shield of doubt for everything new that comes along. I know that worry, the armor, way to well. Talking with a girlfriend of mine, who has been out there far longer, searching, putting herself out there, listened and then been taken along for the dance, made me once again realize how common this feeling tends to be. He went a bit silent, and your'e sure that sooner or later a message will show up "There's something I have to tell you...." He said something nice, and there you are preparing yourself for "Listen, This/You have been great but..."  Everything goes well, maybe a bit too well, and all you can think of is " I'm sure something heartbreaking will happen soon". For all we know they could suddenly disappear, and what he actually was up too, we would never get to hear from him.  We lost our naivety but picked up something bound to protect us, sometimes I ...

Fear during and then anger, and sometimes fear again. But as everyone else, he is also just a fragile human. I wrote about broken pasts and how that helps me understand his behavior, that it helps me let go of anger, because there is not much he can do about it, but that I also will never accept it, since no matter how ill, he might be... he never had the right to treat me that way. Yes, he had a very broken home, and no stability, but he also chose to not deal with his past or with the problems in his own behavior. He was too sick for that, his unrealistic ego stood in the way. And during the years, as I told in the earlier posts, I got to see his reaction when he was confronted by his own mistakes, when I again had to tell him what he had done and beg him to change. He could not take it, blamed me for blaming and confronting him, for bringing up the past (and the past could have been yesterday and most likely would be the next..) Why did I have to be so mean, why could I just not f...