Roar in the Afterglow

We all want to love the person we fall in love with (who they are now), we all want to tell them how much we cherish their strength, their capability of standing up, and staying that way. We all want to love someone for the smile they bring with them, for the laughter that now brightens up our face. But I want you to love her too. I am not my past, I left that behind. But I still hold her hand, till this day, always, and each and every night. I don't need you to love me that much, I know you already do. But she needs reassurance; that you would have loved her too. It wasn't pretty, I was a mess. But each night I tell her, I do not love her any less. Once someone I loved, used the word %#!?¤ when describing girls who...well lets say look for attention in obvious ways. I was her, she was me- only my hope for love (how twisted it may have seemed) was within those walls and the paradigm of something that would never be received.  I don't even call money makin...

7 candles lit up, my face -like fire crackers. No wishes, they rarely last. I did like people normally do. it echos, my past. I look at you. I like your face, it reminds me of sunny days. freckles, beard, sleep, sweat, it echoes, I can`t feel my feet, I'm in a haze, I step outside to see the stars in their grace. I'm right here, and I will be okey. I go back inside, you're fast a sleep. but I got my air. I'm still me. I know this concept might be too big, too deep, too heavy, I'm scared but still I chose to speak. I wrote it down why the air, why do I cry and tell you that I fear that I'm not there. you deserve to know what you see, I owe it to the future me,  I opened up a wound,  the thing I'm carrying those times I get up, outside, and look at the stars and the moon. But like an empty note, I'm still waiting for the words; it's okey. Your past isn't appalling me from you in any way. Sorry, I fell asleep...

When you wrap your arms around me tonight, please do not hold on too tight, but please do not roll away from me either, that is not what I want, neither. And do not wonder if I suddenly press on the light.. I think you understand, I can still feel the echoes from my past But I wish you stayed right here with me, no force, no pressure, just two heart beats. This, safe and sound, is where I want to be. I would love to have you close to me.

You might be wondering why this dark topic is now in front of your eyes, well, first of all this is a part in my life that I no longer choose to hide. But I wrote about this before, thought about leaving it there, but it came back to my mind so now I have touched this part of my life once again. Last night I wrote a poem about those darkest days, there is no hopeful ending, because that darkness was my state. This poem is the battle for life you go through when stuck. Emotionally and fearfully to a situation you feel that you can not get away from. Self-harm is not a sign of weakness, of giving up on life.. it is the exact opposite, It is a sign of strength, this is not to glorify the terrifying act, but to open an understanding towards this battle for life, It was the only thing that still helped me feel that I was here, the pain ensured me that I would not disappear. Fire= Self-harm Smoke= Tears, sadness, dizziness, shaking, being distant I'm Still Breathing   ...

I wanted to tell you a secret, a problem I had for long, a problem I will never fully accept but would not live without.. (but it could be un-intensified.. if I only knew how).  My heart and mind rap themselves around another, they breathe you in and out.. when I care I see all sides of you, even the ones you do not want others to see, I see the person, I get connected, by every smallest piece- and so intensely. This happens with friends, this happens with men.. and with men.. well the dating pattern is often the same.. I pick the ones who never wanted to stay.   When they leave or go silent- like the bond we had never meant a thing, I get all intense and give so much more than I receive. It is like I think that if one of us dies suddenly and we now stop to speak, I want them to know everything about how I really feel, what I been thinking all along, how I will always care about them even if things went wrong. I never say I love you, because truly loving someone takes ...

Today it is the Orange Day, it is UN:s International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. I thought I should write today, and even if we all should help to break the silence, and help the person if we ever found out that their being abused (in any way), the truth is that often we stand alone. I wanted to write about that day, The day I broke the silence. It has all luckily started to fade into a blur, but I will try to recall as much as I can remember. I remember him sitting indoors on his computer for weeks, Outside there was a sunny summer, I remember trying to tell him to go outdoors more, to get some fresh air. Maybe he could do his work in a park ? I remember that he got outside with me, we were supposed to go and meet his friends a few kilometers away, I reminded him of getting outside more often, " I mean look at all the people sitting in the park, there is still summer left" He told me to Shut up ("Why can`t you just shut up.. ?") , an...

I am sitting here on the floor with a cup of tea in my hands, wiggling my toes. The mirror is right in front om me and my newly washed hair makes me look like a natural Aretha Franklin or a very fluffy Chewbacca, both probably equally as cute. It feels quite nice to be able to sit here with myself like this, to just be here, here with me. For a long time I could not. I avoided mirrors, I could not look into her eyes.  The humiliation had made me vulnerable, I felt ashamed, did not want to see her, me, and I also avoided facing the truth, the pain I knew I could see in my eyes. I want to explain what I meant by "Thank You for Humiliating me, for I have learned to see my own beauty" in my post Thank You . As I told before, he pushed me into things I did not want to do. As the years went by I fell into silence I stopped having an own opinion or to say it out loud. I accepted that this was the only kind of closeness that I would get, so though it hurt that he treated me tha...

I felt a lot of shame for the things I had gone through, what he had pushed me in to, and I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Who could I trust, or did I just trust anyone who knocked on my door ? Did I know what to look out for or was I just dragging more of them to me?  Was I going crazy ? Would anyone understand ? I knew the school psychologist did, but what about everyone else, what about the outside world ? My friends? Where had I been, who was I ? How to get my life back and what was that ? Could I find any understanding for this battle I was going through ? I felt alone, very alone, even though I had friends around me. I want to share these experiences because I want to be a part of breaking the silence, tell about that what actually many people face everyday. By writing about it in the way that I do, what I faced, how it effected me and how I everyday work hard with myself to become stronger I also want to help to take away that feeling of shame. Because w...

Thank You for dragging me down, because now the only way is up. Thank You for humiliating me, because I have learned to see my own beauty Thank You for showing me, because now I know what kind of future I want to have Thank You for almost taking away my breath, because now I breathe more then ever Thank You for pushing me into fear, because now I know that I am brave Thank You for making me feel hopeless, because all I seem to feel is light Thank You for making me break the silence, for now I know my own Strength. 

To someone in a panic: Sometimes we dwell on things, we keep them in. After a long time we want to run, run away, but we feel like we can`t, we are stuck. We are torn. Sometimes I felt like I could not breathe, I was suffocating.  Start by concentrating on your breathing, be there for you. Try to loosen up, get rid of that tension. You are here, and You are here with You. You are here for You. It might take time, and it might not work the first time, or even the third. But I know you can do it. If the releasing of the tension causes tears, let it, do not push them back, remember, you are here for You and so are your tears.  Also, Do not close up, do not leave yourself alone with your emotions and fears. Talk to somebody, and I know that it might feel like you can`t , like you shouldn't. You might think that you do not want to worry them or drag them into this, Or that they would not understand. But no matter what is on your mind, you should, You are not obligated...

Today I got to be a part of showing kids at an elementary school how to throw a lifeline when you are trying to save someone at sea. Later it triggered the thought about saving someones life, and how even the smallest of gestures can make the biggest of difference. The day before that moment that changed my life for the better, I had met a few fellow camp leaders in a park. We stayed and talked and when it was time to leave we had to clime over a small fence, the two guys that were walking towards the same direction from the park asked me if I needed any help in getting over that fence. [ And they did not  know about my relationship or that just about a week before I had fallen through my family friends old dock right in front of my boyfriend so badly that the bruises on my thigh would still show months later, he had helped me with icebags as my mom told him too but right after that he sat at the only chair on the cliff playing games on his mobile phone while I got to s...

  So why do we stay with a partner like this? I asked myself that question several times. Here you have some answers:  In the beginning of the relationship, or even before you started dating there were good things, things you had been waiting for for so long, things you felt that you needed. Also, in my case I really did not know him at all before we started dating. I remember when we met, we worked at the same grocery market for the summer, we were out on an Island, and he was far from his normal surroundings. We rode of with our bikes together and ones we stopped near a mountain and climbed up to see the view, we sat down on an old tree and he told me that I had ants in my shoe and that he should try to get them of, which I found to be the cutest any guy had ever said to me. For years I tried to make him remember that moment, but according to him that never happened, which was sad, its moments like these that I value the most, the small things. That summer we...

The Autumn is soon here, and so are all the party's. I can not wait to see everyone again! The parties involve a lot of fun, games and drinking. But before we start the fun again, I want to write down something about drinking problems and how they affect the ones closest to us. And No  I do not mean to be a party pooper .. Can not say that I have not been dancing on the table a time or two.. But think before you drink, think about how it makes you behave and how that behavior makes the people around you feel. And If you have a problem, Do you listen to what they have to say ? Do you listen to their worries ? Please Do. He kicked the walls and screamed that day when I had asked him to be there for me, He came home drunk. He ran after other girls in front of me and told me to be understanding. I spent my 18th birthday carrying him to his and his mothers apartment and then getting locked out in the stairwell for hours and almost ended up spending the night next door on their alcoho...

If I Just. .Sound familiar?.. that is a thought I remember having often.  All I wanted was for us to have a good life, a healthy relationship and a good or at least manageable future. Things were falling a part and I was desperately trying to keep them from falling, everyday and more than I ever concentrated on my own things.   There was worry about him passing his courses,  getting him to apply for summer jobs (which even according to his grandparents became my responsibility.) and writing a CV, getting him to take care of his economy that directly influenced ours (or when he wanted to invest his money on gold bricks and old computer parts that then laid around our apartment and enhanced my asthma ), taking care of our home and before that his mom`s (where cooking pots were dished and stored in the bathtub), his refusal to deal with his drinking problems, our relationship, the way he treated me and so on. If here and now did not work, than what would our fu...

Before starting this blog I thought a long time about how much I should tell about my past and the things that drove me in to writing a blog like this. I decided that it would be important to tell some things, so that the possible readers would better understand where I am coming from. But I had one simple rule; besides writing about the things I went through, I would always make sure to write what I learned from these experiences. During those four years there where a lot of thing I wish that I had never experienced. Until this day there are a lot of things that I do not mention, and I surely did not tell about them to anyone else then, not even to my closest friends. Those things where everyday life to me, something I got used to, shoved into " that geeky box of his" or told myself that the they were immature thing "some guys say",  felt sickness for even though I could not make the connection and blamed myself and other things around me.  I will write down so...