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Why do you stay (in an abusive relationship) ?


 So why do we stay with a partner like this? I asked myself that question several times. Here you have some answers: 
In the beginning of the relationship, or even before you started dating there were good things, things you had been waiting for for so long, things you felt that you needed. Also, in my case I really did not know him at all before we started dating.

I remember when we met, we worked at the same grocery market for the summer, we were out on an Island, and he was far from his normal surroundings. We rode of with our bikes together and ones we stopped near a mountain and climbed up to see the view, we sat down on an old tree and he told me that I had ants in my shoe and that he should try to get them of, which I found to be the cutest any guy had ever said to me. For years I tried to make him remember that moment, but according to him that never happened, which was sad, its moments like these that I value the most, the small things.

That summer we had a long talk under the afternoon sun. I remember afternoon turning into evening and thinking that I never had a guy spend this much time with me, to listen to all my silly worries and thoughts. As he walked me to my bike he put his sweater on my shoulders, he told me that he could see that I was cold. I was in love.

A week later we were a couple

About a year later, even after all the pushing me into things I did not want to do, drunken heartbreaking phone calls and forgetting me, I remember seeing him in that light again. We were at my parents summer place and he came with me to warm the Sauna. He was wearing his gray sweater and he was doing all the work. I remember looking at him and thinking, how lucky am I.. It is the simple things you see... But they should Always outrun the bad.

He has had a tough life; you forgive him and feel sorry for him, He was once nice to you and you thought you found " The One "; you stay with him and everyday hope for that person to return, even If you would have had to share him with someone else. You believe that if you show him enough love he will change; because he loves you, He says that he is going to change; you want to believe him, If he treats you this badly there has to be something wrong with you; you think that no one else would want to be with you.
Sometimes I think; what If I had known what he was like, had it been different, maybe I would have made a better decision to stay away from him. Or maybe If he had treated me just a bit better, what would have happened then ? 

I am thankful that he treated me the way he did (well.. thankful might be a bit of a wrong word.. but it is the closest to the truth) Otherwise I probably would have stayed longer. And I am thankful that he did not end up being my future. I also learned what I do not want from life and relationships and to embrace everyday as they come. This is also one of the reasons my parents did not try to break it off, no matter how much the wanted to and how much it hurt them to see me fall apart. They knew that he was bad news, but it took a long time for them to find out really how bad it was, I never told them back then, I felt ashamed and as a typical teenager I did not want them to know that they were right, I loved him and wanted to believe that I had made the right decision. If my parents had tried to break it off I would just have wanted to stay even more. 

It is a big mess you have to wake up from. Today I am Wide Awake.


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