Think before you Drink (traumatized by reckless drinking)

The Autumn is soon here, and so are all the party's. I can not wait to see everyone again! The parties involve a lot of fun, games and drinking. But before we start the fun again, I want to write down something about drinking problems and how they affect the ones closest to us. And No  I do not mean to be a party pooper .. Can not say that I have not been dancing on the table a time or two.. But think before you drink, think about how it makes you behave and how that behavior makes the people around you feel. And If you have a problem, Do you listen to what they have to say ? Do you listen to their worries ? Please Do.

He kicked the walls and screamed that day when I had asked him to be there for me, He came home drunk. He ran after other girls in front of me and told me to be understanding. I spent my 18th birthday carrying him to his and his mothers apartment and then getting locked out in the stairwell for hours and almost ended up spending the night next door on their alcoholic neighbors mattress. The day before my graduation I called him since I knew that he was going out partying and would be drinking, Could he Just this time think about his drinking? Could he care about me that much ? Is not that what you do for your girlfriend ? He told me that he would and that I should stop wining. The next morning I get to talk to the nurses. He is at the hospital getting his stomach pumped, and My Mother had booked him an appointment to get a new haircut, she did not know, I did not tell her.

One night he ran after me calling me a whore, he lost his jacket and wallet on the way and later blamed me for it. I ran, I was scared, I came to our apartment and chain -locked the door. As I heard him in the stairwell I opened the chain-lock again, I did not want him to know that I tried to lock him out. I Did not want him to yell, I Did not want the neighbors to hear.  I guess I slept that night.
So many times I hoped that he would change, that he would understand, That he would Care, Could he not he see how I was hurting ?

But This is how those conversations went;

Me: - Can`t you see how it`s hurting me ?

He: - The fact that you keep telling me to stop/ to try to control my drinking just makes me want to drink more the next time.

- I had to, otherwise my friends would think that you made me a laimo

- Can you stop bitching and bringing up the past

(But the past was the present and the future)

He: - You say/think that I'm a bad person, you're being mean...

Me: - No I don`t think that your a bad person. I Just think that you make stupid decisions sometimes and I wish that you would care about me enough to not do that anymore without me having to beg you not to..

Here the conversations usually ended and the wheel continued to spin.

The Autumn after I finally left him I was trying to find my own life again: I went to a lot of student parties and became an active in the organisations. I learned to be around drunk people again even If it took a long time to get used to. I tried to tell myself, their not the same, they are not ghost from your past. But sometimes I felt the need to get away, to calm myself down, to be there for me when no one seemed to be their daylight selves. I hide in the food storage, the food storage became my safe place. Where I could be me, Me from my Past and me Now. I Could be there for me, For that past girl. We would be okay.

Now days I always chain-lock my door, every night. Not because I am afraid that someone could get in, I am not afraid of my drunk next door neighbor even though he sent me a letter with pictures of rainbows and unicorns. I am not afraid of any man coming after me. But I chain-lock the door, I lock it for me. Today it stands for a symbol that I can not go to sleep without. It is to show myself that Today I am Here For Me.

So Please, listen to those closest to you and Think Before you Drink

Best Wishes, The Girl who now locks her door for the night