Anxiety, as you well may or may not know is a crippling feeling. It affects your heartbeat, brainwaves, thoughts, assumptions and actions there after. The good thing however (I've found) is that the horse can be tamed- breaks to your ever spinning wheel (like medicine- serotonin I bow to you, self-discovery, honesty and a little bit of love and laughter at the solutions your mind would like to rush you in to) can be put in place and (for the most part) maintained. Plus, be kind to yourself when you hit a set-back, these things are bound to happen (and you are after all only human. not one of those floating zen creatures with a crystal on you forehead- but hey neither are you the Hulk (phew) ).
Sometimes it is social anxiety- to me this tends to happen when I walk into an acquaintance, note that I do not have the same problem with close friends or strangers. But there is something about acquaintances from either my times at school or Uni- people I only otherwise now see on social media- people who seem so much more wholesome and successful then me (note; just an comparison my anxiety created). People who knew me years ago. My high school insecurities kick in. my heart beats, I minimize myself, don't want to feel like I am bothering them with my presence (note; this feeling and self-for filling prophecy hits on even if they would be the kindest and open to me )- my fear of being there, feeling like I don't belong and should be embarrassed is cooking up a dance with my anxiety and I want to hide.
- The difference is I don't- I say hi (if they say hi first) and with a tremble in my voice hold my place. I deserve to be here, I do not have to hide. I might be shaking (trust me- if it does not show its often an earthquake on the inside). Slowly and after nervous chatter on my part I ease in (if the time is given). I talk through my anxiety- and stay with me as my understanding friend - even post encounter, I stop myself (put on my breaks) from falling in to self-loathing, not easy- but calling myself up on it helps. I do my inner research and understand why I think these thoughts (and why they momentarily still) occur.
Breaks for the wheel as it (and before and after) it starts spinning:
- I have so much to be proud of too- there are so many ways success can be measured
- I am happy with my life
- Rumors and bullying in High School where then- and if they fell for its spell then they most likely had some inner problems and growth to do too.
- If they ever looked down on you they are most likely grown out of it now and feel embarrassed, if not well good luck to them
- Most likely they never had any thoughts about you and you are basing these fears on 1 or 2 "meany miney mos" from your youth that then affected the way you thought the world vied you. Hear these words- you are not a looser and never were. Instead you were the flora that kept on blooming.
- Anxiety is a in-taught pattern and biological feeling (does not always match reality- remember to stop, and question the knots, shakes and waves your heart and brain makes)
- We all deserve to be here and to take space- and isn't it our differences that make the world (and our surrounding social world) a far more interesting and inspiring place. Be proud to be the difference.
Radio Silence
The other thing I wanted to mention here has to do with attachment pattern (do you know yours ?). I am (or was) and uncontrolled Anxious attacher, but by becoming aware of it (realizing that I naturally hook on to those with an avoidant attachment pattern like a drug) I managed to get a hold of it (put the breaks in place) and even found my bliss in occasional solitude (longing for solo travel and long solo hikes, adventure on my own), understanding the avoidants needs without laying blame on myself (they are not always necessarily avoiding me- but needing time and space for themselves)- and finding middle ground/secure attachment (for the most part- check with self is always on the agenda).
I have friends who are (in their own words) on the more avoidant side- meaning they do not get anxiously driven by relationships, others perceived mood-states, words said or left unsaid. They do not linger in worry. They are practical; "- if he would make me feel that way I would dump him immediately". - Why can`t you ?"
Then I have those who are or understand the anxious too- the frequent communicators (or at least prior to kids when they had the time), emotional ever fixers, anxious problem solvers.
So, about radio silence; there are days I reach out and hear from no-one. There are days that pass by. I used to get stressed about this- convinced myself that I had done something wrong- something that they all now knew and where thinking about (even if they did not know each-other ? silly doomsday thinking me..) - I would race through my thoughts and think about all the flaws in me, in my communication style, my hyper-activity, my words- where did I go wrong- am I too much- have they reached their final drop with me- are they giving me silent treatment on purpose ?
These days (and these days radio silence occurs often). I can put on my breaks and understand some things;
- Their world does not evolve around me- so it is most likely not me that is keeping them from replying.
- They have children now- duty calls and their mind is elsewhere about 95 % of the time. You will get the 5 % when the hassle settles down (which does happen from time to time)
- They have stayed by your side through and since your worst of days- they know you and accept You. Even after you anxious texted (if it slipped) a couple of times. True friendships are made to last. Growth is everlasting.
- Sometimes there are these days or a week, Radio Silent episodes. I`ve come to accept them as a "thing"- a natural event in our new found adult lives. I sit back, relax, self-care and remind myself how lucky I am that I still do not have children. Bake a cake, sign up to a fun workshop, take a foot-bath. Give this time to you.
Finally I wanted to add something about dating as a anxious person- and being drawn to avoidant people. How to remain sane, self-accepting, and present (not falling in to made up fears). For me (as I only date men as friends now)- the friend part/getting to know and laying low on the emotional/physical front has helped- but as an anxious and enlightened ptsd warrior with an panic disorder I still can feel the attachment kicking in (I want to act, save, know the man behind the mask, get them to know me (not loose them), not make a "fool" of myself).
Here are my breaks for the wheel (and some of them might seem a bit extreme- but if you are like me you know their importance).
- They are avoidant, that means that they are reacting by pulling away when they want to communicate what they need- which is the opposite to you; resolving and reacting: its not You its them.
- If they are so fearful that they disappear for weeks without a word, they might not be good (or ready) for you in their life. Self Check; What do you need and deserve.
- Do not answer your resolutions with anger but with love.
- If you however decide to continue being a part of their avoidant lives;
1. Learn to read/hear what is being unsaid but shown- if they take space give space.
2. Put a cap on your communication; limit the amount of apps you can see/reach them on.
3. Take away the blue ticks on whatsapp/read receipts- limit things to get anxious about- out of sight out of mind.
4. Do not message them during their work hours.
5. At the urge of texting them give yourself five hours (yes that much). Why would you send them that (what is your expected reaction ?) Is this an anxious need to get validation or something actually important ? After five hours check with yourself. Do you still remember what you wanted to say- ask, does it still feel urgent ?
6. Put a time cap on the latest hour you can text them (10 pm is mine)- this also mind-barricades you from over texting (or texting at all) and from sending a possible drunk text (we have all been there).
7. If it is something truly important; write it down before you send it- big words and long sentences can be a scare/threatening to some. Or you could simply (hah..) avoid getting attached to avoidants :D
- And most importantly; focus (and then-re focus as your mind side-tracks) on You <3 Take the radio silence as a sign- give yourself this handed time.
Comments
Post a Comment