Are you also struggling in social situations when small talk is exchanged ? Do you, like me, feel like a awkwardly jolly firecracker or a burst of rainbows trying to fit in with the beige that the situation seems to require and everyone else seems content with and managing ? I often wonder how it seems to come so easy to others..
-Side note; I'm lucky to say that through finding myself later in adult life I have found hobbies that fit my personality- and friends who do not look or walk away, but join me in my charades or big deep and sudden topics(and who's brain seems to vividly and unapologetically work the same way). Also, similar to you or not- true friends will adore (and sometimes tolerate) your silly ways.
Its not to say that I can't act plain, I can play the beige card- laugh subtly, not make too much noise, stay calm and only stick to beige topics, like; hows school, hows work, hows the food, was it a long drive.. ? And I can even stay quiet, shove myself aside. Note here that listening is always important and a skill to work on, but that is not the quiet I am talking about here. I am talking about the quiet when you fade yourself away, in order not to embarrass yourself- or avoid the otherwise inevitable of causing awkwardness around you if you dare to open your mouth; the firecracker of rainbows (also known as extroverted nervousness) in this room full of beige.
Small-talk especially among those I know- or those "almost" acquaintances is one of those things that seems to make me itchy, my brain wants to do cartwheels but all I (often. not always) get from those around me is silent looks... I try again.. (I sometimes wonder why my dear brain does that...) same response.. and there where years when I felt mortified for the silence I had caused, if not right after then as I went through the social interactions of the day.. this is- after years of often being too afraid to take part at all- but simply watching from the sidelines as others joined in. I no longer care (as much or often) of what others think or thought when I had opened my mouth to contribute (and maybe its the anxiety meds), but either way I am grateful that I can more unapologetically be myself.
I still often, awkwardly so, end up pointing out something out of the blue that does not fit in to the general conversation that I am assuming is being had across the table..but I rather be me then subtle. Life is too short to stay back.
At the latest family and friend celebration (my nieces christening) everyone was talking about- I guess the weather, or the cake.. who knows ? And I casually announced that I can come an entertain the kids currently present (still babies as we speak), once they have grown up a bit and get into either a non stop Disney Frozen or Paw Patrol phase (a savior aunt or what ??), after which I turned to my slightly depressed grandma to explain to her what these things (and Peppa Pig) are and what all these characters like to do.- dad tried to help by mentioning me and my sisters love for My little Ponies (thanks dad <3) Anyway, I soon noticed myself singing the respective tune of Paw Patrol with a kids enthusiasm to my sister and the new godmothers across the table.. My brain (and therefore mouth) mentioned these children's characters a few times more as we later all helped out to clean the venue and do the dishes. I might not come of as the most sophisticated grown up (note- I also work with these childrens characters on a daily bases)- but I sure as hell will be one funky aunt. Future suitors be aware- we are not compatible if you are easily embarrassed at social gatherings, but if you are in it-wholeheartedly- I will make you laugh, just bare with me.
So, dear friend, as long as I am kind to those around, and try my best to listen and be present- I can be myself in a room and around a table of others (even in scenarios and among those that are far more beige and socially sophisticated than I will ever be). I can do so without holding back, because why should I have to be any less ?
I am just the right amount of me.
And if you (like me), often feel like the odd one out, let that shine (life is less boring then), trust me <3
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