I haven't written anything in a while, most because of my mind being so empty (unless you Want me to talk about immigration policies and trying to find a way to a Visa for a Canadian), I feel like I have written about most things by now, well the most important anyway.. but I am sure that I will get some subject twisted out of something old now and again.
Anyway, here is one subject I thought about lifting up- that is, why I´m at times am so socially awkward when surrounded by people. Why I can not seem to follow a request, give an answer of my own to a question handed to a group (think game-show tasks, or the scouts or school where I've actually been).
This probably has something to do with being HSP and becoming overwhelmed (inside my head mostly) by noises and chaos. Or the obstacle when trying to converse in a foreign yet fluent language. But it is more than that- you see I sometimes struggle to understand. I can not put the sentences together, they are coming out of all directions around me, and by the time the question had been read out once- I had already forgotten it- Or, struggled to understand it all together. I need time to think. Paint a picture in my head. This does not take many seconds..well depending on the length of it all.. but those second, or minutes always need to be re-kindled (re-started) if something (noise, chaos and general hurry) comes and blocs the way.
So, do not choose me for you game-show partner, unless I can prepare for it myself.. or if there is a living hungry tiger behind me, I am sure my brain would miraculously sharpen up then- I hope.
I am however (or was) good (well average)in school and Uni- even when it came to group-work (as in the second "on our own"-part). If I could understand my part- I did it, I did it and I did it good, If I could not understand I did it anyway. Math does not count, but for all other information and unanswered questions, google is a life savior. However planning the task; sitting in a group planning, juggling ideas, having your voice heard, trying to understand the ideas and catch the red thread that was flying across the room..oh boy.. disconnected was my face.. the truth though was that I was doing turbojumps and detective work inside my head.. to understand the first bit and the second.. that would lead us to the end..but my overworking ninjas made me miss what you said. Sometimes I am really worried that back then I seemed like a bad team-mate, and friend. Like I did not appreciate (listen to) the hard inputted effort others were rolling in.
I will from now on, be honest and ask if I can catch my thoughts on their words and ideas again. Ask to have the question repeated (and re-explained with examples) if needed- I will accept who I am. There is nothing wrong with giving yourself a hand. And if you who are reading has ever felt the same, You are not dumb, just help the world (and the group) around you understand.
Most of us have something, and I think I have a bit of ADD in my clever, comical and at times witty tin can.
Lastly, after talking about "slow brain syndrome whilst taking part in a un-synchronized and unpracticed group conversation" we get to.. drum roll.. social awkwardness. Because who can successfully take part in a conversation (or have a related input) when your brain is to slow to keep track of what is being said ? Now usually while walking in the forest with a group of other fellow scouts joking around, or while sitting at the dinner table with your parents and boyfriend (yes- even 3 people can put a spin on it) you can not- at least according to social ethic- grab a notebook and ask everyone to slow down and repeat. Even if you really want to be able to take part in what is being said. So what do you do ? I usually; listen, stare, try to read off facial expressions, smile, nodd.. and then laugh about 5 seconds after everyone else.. mission completed.
Now I wish I wasn't this way. I wish there was something smart I could say. I wish I wasn't known as that girl with the awkward smile all day. It is hard to become part of a group this way.
But if you are in the same boat as me (and I am going to sound tacky now) you are okay just the way you are. Nothing in regards of this matter about you needs to change, okay ? But sleep is needed. and vitamins and water too, help to keep that tin can awake when it needs to be used. But most of all understand that if the world is moving so fast you are one of those who wants to sit down and have a listen whenever you can.
And even if it might take some time to sink in.
Your slowness is the key to kindness in the fast paced world we're living in.
So go out, and be happily awkward, just as I am.
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