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Diagnose; 1 cm lump (and living alone)

I knew I had a lump, on the lower side of my left breast. I decided to get it checked. After a few calls and cancellations on their end I got an appointment, I biked to see the doctor early this morning, 

- He knew about me being uncomfortable with men having the power to feel me up with their hands- there where no women available to be with me where I am- and he truly did his best to be respectful- through every part of this half naked exam. He was knowledgeable for his age and younger than me. On top of this the world is small, we come  from the same minority- but it was discreet, handled with care and professionality.

Anyway, the result of his exam of my breasts was this; a 1 cm mass on the left and something close to my ribs. I will get to book a mammography scan later this week- once the doctor adds the information to my electronic sheet. 

I biked back home, then biked to work, Throughout the day I felt fine, but as I closed the shop alone all the thoughts ran through my mind. I would get home- and sit down on the couch. No-one to ask me if I was okey, a hug was needed, but friends were far away. Im okey- not okey. That is simply how I feel today. 

I´m lucky to have the friends I have, so much support flew through the WhatsApp chats. I thought about loneliness- about the idea of a partner and how so many of those who could have been "him who greets me at home" would not have had the full capacity to truly show empathy and understand. They would explain their theories- or not meet me where I stand. 

Simply, Are you okey? (without being prompt) is, in my experience, sometimes difficult for a certain kind of man. As I thought of this I realized how lucky I am- I get to come to a home, emotionally safe- like a warm cup of tea- not risking to be met by jokes, fear of emotion and/or immaturity. 

You see I tend to paralyze (and leave myself without air) when there is a need vs. lack of empathy. 

Now, here in my home, I get to be the kind of support that I need. 

And thank you to my dear friends, who care for me. 


To all the single women with breast (or removed), who still look for male maturity. 

And a sincere apology (and thank you) to those men who already fit this category. 






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