How I fall back in, get back up and where the first roots for the self-caused hurt, fear and strength come from

I want to get time to get to know you, and I want to give you time to get to know me.

Trust comes with kindness, respect, vulnerability and emotional responsibility

But if we break that barrier too fast, (even though I often stand at guard), I open a gate where I re-visit my past.

It is not your fault, I am a physical being.

But sometimes my temptation runs past my well-being.

I have fun but feel emotional pain, it is somehow familiar to get treated this way.

There is a comfort in running towards expected pain,

instead of sitting still, waiting to become your prey.

- Somehow I convince myself to be in control this way. I am the one who directs the pain.

I put myself in shackles that you can not see.

I tell you hurtful words at times in order to feel free.

With this self-forced arrangement I am slowly loosing me

I'm afraid I disappear

Listen and see me- it helps my wounds to heal.

Give me time to trust you, to learn that your intentions towards me are sincere.

From the pattern of accepting abuse, to the roots of childhood with deep running flickers of emotional hurt and fear

With love from a friend who wants to be here.

.. and so I pick myself up again, reminding me of the home within me that I so often leave alone.

I know her importance but I leave her empty on her own. But this time, slowly-this candle within me will burn brighter then you've ever known.

- It might flicker-and dim once or twice my friend. But never will I let the fire within me be put down again.

Do not lay your firefly within the wings of someone else (or as hostage of your own fear/trauma/patterns). Always build your home within (and around) a grounded and healing self.

Children do not get traumatized because they been hurt. They get traumatized when left alone with the hurt.

You are strong and bright but wounded, I know that by now. You put your past upon me, and look away somehow. I cry and you both yell in a choir or push this aside. I am the one who is too sensitive and makes this up in my mind.

There is so much I have learned from you, so much that has helped me grow and prevail. But there are some patterns that can and shall not stay the same. I will make sure to make a change. Our past hurt should not leave other wounded this way.

You stand by each-others side. In  of ways I admire the love between you two.

But later I've learned that grounded relationships hold each-other accountable for the hurtful things they do

I will grow, I hope one day you start your journey to do that too.

I still believe in both of you.