How I fall back in, get back up and where the first roots for the self-caused hurt, fear and strength come from

 I want to get time to get to know you, and I want to give you time to get to know me.

Trust comes with kindness, respect, vulnerability and emotional responsibility

But if we break that barrier too fast, ( even though I often stand at guard), I open a gate where I re-visit my past.

It is not your fault, I am a physical being.

But sometimes my temptation runs past my well-being.

I have fun but feel emotional pain, it is somehow familiar to get treated this way.

There is a comfort in running towards expected pain,

instead of sitting still, waiting to become your prey.

- Somehow I convince myself to be in control this way. I am the one who directs the pain.

I put myself in shackles that you can not see.

I tell you hurtful words at times in order to feel free.

With this self-forced arrangement I am slowly loosing me

I'm afraid I disappear

Listen and see me- it helps my wounds to heal.

Give me time to trust you, to learn that your intentions towards me are sincere.

From the pattern of accepting abuse, to the roots of childhood with deep running flickers of emotional hurt and fear

With love from a friend who wants to be here.

.. and so I pick myself up again, reminding me of the home within me that I so often leave alone.

I know her importance but I leave her empty on her own. But this time, slowly-this candle within me will burn brighter then you've ever known.

- It might flicker-and dim once or twice my friend. But never will I let the fire within me be put down again.

Do not lay your firefly within the wings of someone else (or as hostage of your own fear/trauma/patterns). Always build your home within (and around) a grounded and healing self.

Children don't get traumatized because they been hurt. They get traumatized when left alone with the hurt.

'You are strong and bright but wounded, I know that by now. You put your past upon me, and look away somehow. I cry and you both yell in a choir or push this aside. I am the one who is too sensitive and makes this up in my mind.

There is so much I've learned from you, so much that has helped me grow and prevail. But there are some patterns that can and shall not stay the same. I will make sure to make a change. Our past hurt should not leave other wounded this way.

- There was the anxious angry drive through your childhood as a young girl, and my input on trauma and knowing how that feels, your yells telling me this is not what I see. My tears fell down- another Christmas week.

- Your London visit, you were upset for not being part of my life as my mother and not speaking English the same, passive angry walk home to mine and fell asleep with your back towards me- only to hand me a teddy when you thought I was a sleep.

-You called me to ask why I do not visit as much anymore, I took a deep breath and told you once more, about the pain I had been carrying for so long. I told you about my fear of being shut down, you hanged up the phone as my tears hit the ground.

3 weeks later you sent some cute pics, never apologizing- just pretending once again that what happened did not exist.

Same has been going on at different levels ever since I started telling how I feel. Growing up without accountability, and the trauma continues to roam freely.

I ask for a fathers understanding and you give that to me, and then you take that away next time we speak- I told you the heaviest part of me.

I ask for an explanation to the anger you raise when I question your ways of acting this way- you send me an email about how life is not without rain. I hope you would not avoid a question this way.

You stand by each-others side. In alot of ways I admire the love between you two.

But later I've learned that grounded relationships hold each-other accountable for the hurtful things they do

I will grow, I hope one day you start your journey to do that too.

I still believe in both of you. '