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Back to the Bollywood and Bhangra (dance) that saved me


Today I received some of my old (and a school support workers) mental health journals from 2011-2013, I needed them when applying for insurance coverage for my current therapy sessions. It was during these years that my life truly took a full turn (and remember- a full turn does not mean that everything after then goes in a straight smooth line- healing is a process, but one thing is for certain- that full turn from where I was to where I arrived within myself truly saved me). 

I read the notes in the journal- one visit at a time, how a teacher and my classmates supported me to get to the first appointment. How everything was dark, about me and all else- but not the thing that was truly tearing me- that one I struggled to see. I saw me and myself as a pit-hole- what came to me I had to accept and whenever I fought I fought for the wrong things- my anger, pain and sadness was everywhere, but mostly aimed at myself. 

It took a few years, I made appointments, I showed up a few times, I was late almost all the time, tired, sad, confused, distracted, on the edge of falling. Sometimes I did not come at all- I had texted that I was unwell.. But she saw me (that lady, lets call her V.E). After letting me have my safe space to cry, and to just `be` in the chair next to her- several times, I felt safe, I slowly realized that this time was for me- and for no-one else. I was given a space to breathe- now it was up to me to take it.

V.E. encouraged me to write down all the good things in life (not with my partner- not about my parents) but about me and how I see life- what will remain and what can I always hold on to- what makes me feel lighter and what gives me hope. For starters its birds that sing, a smiling stranger, a helping hand, feeling the rain.. laughing at my own silliness- yet acknowledging the pain- I had to feel it and know that it is real (not in my head) so that I could come out at the other side and not sit around and wait for a miracle (him to change).

Well lets get to the dance- the Bollywood and Bhangra that lifted me up from my grave, I started dancing (took an hour to myself), it would take years before I could see my own reflection- be kind to myself. But I went, and I'm glad I did (and glad that this place at the time was something a classmate recommended). Partly this- the music, the smiles, the laughter, the vibes and me- that is what broke me free. Fall of 2012 and I was abuse free. Now my life was for once (in my eyes) up to me. This dance (and so much else) is what step by step built up me and my identity. I could once again feel myself within me. 

In London I continued with the Indian colorful rhythmic moves, and Today 2021 (after a covid "all is cancelled" year) I started again. Bhangra invites me to jump for life again. I can not travel- but I can remember, what I came out of and how life came back to me- It all starts from within and then it falls into place- piece by piece and suddenly. 

Related ones:

To learn to see all of you with new eyes

The List

Here and Now




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