As you feel lonely (and 99 % of your surrounding suddenly seems to transform into babyville- a life you do not, if being honest to yourself, want... at least just yet) a distraction of the social kind as well as travel would do you good. But a pandemic stands in the way- blocking most of the entrances to a carefree single "born-again at 30" lifestyle. You want to get to know people- but events are not frequent and only seem to happen at random- if at all. You need time to get to know people, you need to get close and connect- and getting there fast at that one event usually doesn't cut it- and hugging strangers is probably considered a felony during these times.
So how do I get passed these lonely blues ? - I have too much time to feel, to much social media posts about joy an celebration, and too little distractions to take part in.
I know what I want, and what I don`t want. But what I want is in another box right now than I am- A box I can not reach- except sometimes- a few days each year- a little here and there, just enough to know that what I want and long for is still there at the other end of time and patience- an unknown distance.
And then there is that feeling that I can not distract myself from- you all know that feeling- the feeling that is woken up by the 5th couple that just got their magical engagement in the forest photos taken and is now landing on your screen. The feeling that wakes up within you even if you (in your deepest sense of self) really know what YOU want. No, you do not want that- but in the moment, it would sure feel good.
In moments like this remember, someone elses joy does not take anything away from you, you decide how happy you are, and you decide what is truly missing. And if you at times get triggered. it is only a feeling- get back on that horse of yours- your own truthful judgement is what you are needing. Don´t let yourself slip away. Don`t get yourself into a miserable state by letting social media triggered daydreaming lead you astray.
But it is easier said that done to stay in the right mindset. And here I have to admit something... Whilst swirling around in the "what ifs" I found myself this past year checking up each guy I used to date/see (or something along those lines) back in the day (pre- Canada days) and where things ended well but they needed time to grow (which was obvious). Some of them stayed in my mind for long, and guess what- most of them (Note; it felt like most..truthfully though...?; One of them still smokes weed whilst sitting in his moms couch) seemed to have found the love of their lives.
Is it odd that despite knowing what I want- and despite knowing that in reality it would have never been with them -for reasons I will keep to myself.. I somehow felt jealous? In secret a small part of me envies the new girl at their arm- living the life I once dreamed of one day living- living in a van, taking part in numerous British countryside weddings, flying to a small town in NZ to meet the in-laws or kayaking whilst surrounded by dolphins... you know just the usual #couplegoals worthy stuff- note; most of which pre-covid.
As I kept doing this to myself...scroll and realize.
for a moment I feel sad.
I felt lonelier than I felt before I started mirroring my life with what they had.
Destiny is a funny thing
(- this includes my dear Canadian, who once was much more than a fling).
But there are reasons it ended, and reasons some of them found each-other, reasons why I re-found me (again), and reasons why we are not together.
I channel my creeping loneliness towards happiness for others and love towards myself
I exchange momentarily feeling lost towards acceptance for them and within my own self
We all find our (own) way in the end.
Finally, there are things that I know, and things that get me and my feelings led astray. I try to navigate and help myself each day- to not dwell and get stuck in a hopeless bay.
Right now life is tricky, especially if you live alone at this "important direction choosing age", you can not get distracted by the fun around you (and what you truly have in your life) whenever you need to ( I would need it quite often), you can not travel or make lots of new friends, you can not live your life to the fullest. You can only wait and as they come towards you, sit with it, and try to sort out these emotional bullets.
Next (part 2) I will continue on the same topic; What I know and what Im feeling, and write something about #ladybrunches, comparing your social life to others images of theirs and friends/friendships that change.
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