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The life where everything slowed down and you catch up to yourself


Hello fellow lock-down chumps, Can I tell you about the "To do today" task lists I scribble down to keep my brain occupied and my days filled with activities- and how I then post-pone 2/3rd s of it to leave some excitement (like taking my winter shoes down from the attic or recycling an old toaster) for the following days ? I have a feeling there will be another long year ahead. On top of this I go to work (thank goodness it is a social one), take small day-trips by bus to change scenery, bake, read and meet up with friends where and when it feels safe to do so (and they get themselves out of their own respective caves). It is a never ending circle of slightly sad yet oddly comfy Wednesdays all year around. 

But there are some things I have accomplished- I took a sea kayaking class in the summer, made a solo trip to Kilpisjärvi (that furthest Northern end of Finland), Climbed my first Fell (Saana). re-learned how to use an outdoor camper cooker, sailed, removed a wisdom tooth, got vaccinations, registered my social-care degree into a compulsory professional register, took a Ukulele class, met up with friends I had not seen for years, sold away a few bags of things I do not need (currently downsizing my life) and baked bread- perhaps a bit too much. 

I also started attending an adult vocational course I had dreamed of doing for some time, a professional retail and bookseller degree- also known (here in Finland) as a ' Libristi´. It will take me a year or so to complete and my employer pays for the whole thing- I also get more working hours to my contract- not a bad outcome for a year that otherwise comes out as a long unknown question-mark. 

Around 5 months ago I also took my first anxiety pill, 10 mg dosage of Escitalopram each morning of everyday forward. I was done with battling with the anxiety and panic waves and I was ready to get some relief, I spoke to a doctor and we did some tests, by blood levels are fine, and given my attitude to keep on going and not hiding from completing tasks she did not suspect depression or ADHD. However GAD (General Anxiety Disorder- a pretty common one) was highly possible. I am also going to regular visits with a psychologist to get some help to my trauma and past (and at times present) PTSD symptoms, and I am on the path towards receiving therapy (most likely short-term psycho-dynamic therapy sessions). 

The medication has helped, loads, I can breathe again- daily. There is no pain and pressure in my head, no random tears, no closed throat, shakiness, distracted mind, feeling of an egg breaking down the back of my head, no alarming feeling of fear. My friends say I am more present- less nervous, happier even. I can still feel- and I know when panic hits- but the difference is that it does not (like before) reach my head. It stays in my chest, as its most as fast heartbeat, some physical exhaustion, but no more than that. I feel calm, and free, I am not afraid of the waves- for a long time they were apart of me- but it gives me some relief to know that the waves can no longer get to me. Breathing comes more easily. 

I will try to write some more (once I get my head around it). Now I have a Bollywood dance class to take part in. 

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