I wanted to write about why I "even waste one thought one these complicated human relations", why do I put so much energy into it, why do I care ?
I have several friends who do not waste a second thought on complications, confusion or resolvement. They simply walk away and save their energy.
But I have never been capable of doing that, although do not get me wrong- I can walk away without a second thought from bad first and second dates or those Russian Rulett App- conversations.
But as soon as we share about are past, fears, hopes and talk with open hearts (and I will ask for deeper, otherwise there is no going forward in the relationship, date or friend) I start to connect.
Anyone who has ever heard of the term Empath or HSP can understand or relate. I believe, after much self search and understanding that I belong in that category. Although I have to say I do not like that word- Empath, it just sounds very "perfect and higher ground" to me. Empaths can make mistakes too (and oh boy we do) we can care to the point we break, often have anxiety outbreaks when the person we care about is not communicating back or let our own trauma take the upper hand of the caring (read the post Listen & Why do I feel the need to tell you how much you mean to me to get more on that). But we care, and when we care we can not "not care", we sense people and mood states, they are like vibrations that shake our heart and soul. We have to grasp it, solve it and can not let go before it has found some peace. This goes for both emotions we meet in those we care about and within ourselves (where emotions usually run wild.. taking but also giving alot of energy).
When I was younger I used to get angry- alot. I Cried- alot. And I had tantrums- often. But if I'v understood it correctly I was also kind and curious. A little Philosopher- thats what they used to call me. I often sat and played with rocks on the beach while I dealt with my thoughts. My emotional life was vivid and I reacted on the unfairness of the world (.. besides my own ofcourse..you know kids and me me me) and on how people around me reacted and might be feeling (if others where upset I could be upset for hours).
A good thing here to mention is that many of those who are Empaths have often gone through some sort of trauma of their own. It might be low- confidence, depression,burnout, falling into an getting out of abusive relationship.. or well. anything really. You can read more about that online. Eitherway, as we know how the person might be feeling and have an inbuilt need to care we also have a need to show understanding. We know that no one likes to be yelled at, no one likes to feel like they are failing, no one wants to be left standing alone with the world on their shoulders. And if we can help, in any way- we will.
On top of the helping and showing understanding towards the other (where-ever possible..extreme situations set aside) there is also this dealing with our own inner emotional world. If someone has done us wrong- or we had an argument.. how do we deal with it ? The Emotions are running wild- how do we let these feelings find peace ? How do we help ourselves let go of grudge or how do we calm our own anxiety ?
Firts of all I used to bottle up alot of anger- and then let it fly, especially after the abusive relationship I left 6 years ago. Now I know that is an extreme situation- I had every right to be angry (and wrote some of it on this blogg too) but what I´ve noticed over the years is that I would rather make nectar out of my pain than roll in it's torns. By finding lessons- and being thankful for them I can let go of the grudge. In thankfulness I can find happiness and happiness is where in life I want to be.
And with other situations and the people in my life ? Anger is seldom the outcome anymore, either I´ve learned to stay away from the worst possible people.. but also, I do not feel (as much) anger for the smaller things.. you know, after some thinking. And how do I manage that..?... I try to look at the information (helps when you communicate) and find understanding. Through this I can often make my peace. I rather spread love than hate. I can not possibly know the whole truth that lies in the receivers mind and life. I can not know whether they did what they did due to them being in a bad place (mentaly) or if they did what they did simply because they are and will always be (excuse my language; dicks- for life). But one thing is for certain. If I react with love the person in a bad place knows their not alone- this could save a life or a day (having been there myself I know) and if they for whatever reason happen to be dicks- then I am sure they could need some encouraging words too. Hate does not solve a thing.
And how about things like seeing someone you used to date happy with someone else ? If you truly care about someone then their happiness (with our without you) should make you happy (through being thankful for them). This is a skills that often needs to be practiced- and it won´t be easy. But with letting go of selfishness even this can be mastered. A bit of a side turn here but point is Anger (let go) Sunshine (let in). You can read more about this in one of my favorite posts Love, Unconditionally
A good friend of mine (who happens to be Buddhist) asked me once Why I was angry at a guy for no longer being interested in me ? Does you not being the right person for them make them a bad person? No. Hearts Change, it happens. Yes it is sad, but they do. Move on and find someone who likes you for you.
By practicing this mindset (and as I get drawn too and from time to time stuck in the emotional roller coasters wheather I want it or not) of finding a solution underlined with happiness I can make the previous pain into an humble friend. I can let go of anger, my weights turn into light.
It makes it easier to walk through life this way, and even though the emotions build up- I can get happier. Every day. You see I feel thankfulness in each step towards kindness (towards myself and others) that I take.
I do not deserve to feel the heavy weights of hate.
Walking through this world with love is a choice that I made.
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