I'm not quite sure on what I want to write today, but feelings as usual have been running through me like anxious ants and greater understanding butterflies so I felt like It was just as well to put pen to paper (or well, finger to keyboard to be less poetic and true.. and also yes I can only write with one).
I´ve thought about a person (oh you know how it is, boy meets girl.. butterflies, they boy asks if she wants kids, her head pictures a Volvo and his fam on a Sunday post engagement stroll in lake district.. , they boy is flaky, girl kind of knows why, cares anyway) the things is I can't shake it of my mind that at one point he really cared-you know, as much as he had the will to show it at that point, and then I told him I might be leaving the country, was away for the summer- we should just be friends for now he said. I announce I´m coming back and staying, he gets all flirty, agrees to go on an excursion to a lake with me, wonders what day I`m here (well, I`m here now..). He is flaky, I think it got too real. One night, confusing one.. (wish I could take it back) I get upset- its too intense for him (I cried). A part of me wishes I could take back that part too, but hey- these are those road blocks that shouldn't shake us- after all when its right- we stick it through- in both God & Bad.
But I knew he wasn`t ready- a part of me knew that from day one, but I saw something that felt like home, a smile, a joke, a feeling of finally being able to be my goofy self around someone- from the start, and get a similar response. I was no weirdo- it felt quite great. Through every meet-up we shared about ourselves, best bits, pain, struggles- and what made us live the life we where living it.
He is a fighter, got back up on both feet, I could tell that. But there was a recent set-back. And that he wasn`t ready- that was a fact. So I was somewhat okey when we parted ways the first time, my mind of course thinking.. maybe down the line. And then the flirting picked up as I was returning.. and so it all just got confusing.
And now he has been out there on a solo trip on a tropical island, meeting women (I`m presuming) like fishes in the sea. An I had a cold soar in my lip through my entire trip in Scotland, gloomy yes. but honestly- a real breather for me.
You see it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do- he is not mine and that's just the honest truth. And above all things he needs his space- and as his friend I will let him have it that way. Do I feel a little jealousy, yes, but do I wish that things went back to be the same.. when confusion hadn't caused anger and swepped him away? No. You see neither of us would have been happy for long that way. Sometimes things need to take their turns in order for us to find our way. And whatever it is I wish that both of us will be truly happy some day.
Besides, I have so many things just handed on my plate, I think it all came down at the exact time for a reason, and so I`m sure. I will find my way.
I´ve thought about a person (oh you know how it is, boy meets girl.. butterflies, they boy asks if she wants kids, her head pictures a Volvo and his fam on a Sunday post engagement stroll in lake district.. , they boy is flaky, girl kind of knows why, cares anyway) the things is I can't shake it of my mind that at one point he really cared-you know, as much as he had the will to show it at that point, and then I told him I might be leaving the country, was away for the summer- we should just be friends for now he said. I announce I´m coming back and staying, he gets all flirty, agrees to go on an excursion to a lake with me, wonders what day I`m here (well, I`m here now..). He is flaky, I think it got too real. One night, confusing one.. (wish I could take it back) I get upset- its too intense for him (I cried). A part of me wishes I could take back that part too, but hey- these are those road blocks that shouldn't shake us- after all when its right- we stick it through- in both God & Bad.
But I knew he wasn`t ready- a part of me knew that from day one, but I saw something that felt like home, a smile, a joke, a feeling of finally being able to be my goofy self around someone- from the start, and get a similar response. I was no weirdo- it felt quite great. Through every meet-up we shared about ourselves, best bits, pain, struggles- and what made us live the life we where living it.
He is a fighter, got back up on both feet, I could tell that. But there was a recent set-back. And that he wasn`t ready- that was a fact. So I was somewhat okey when we parted ways the first time, my mind of course thinking.. maybe down the line. And then the flirting picked up as I was returning.. and so it all just got confusing.
And now he has been out there on a solo trip on a tropical island, meeting women (I`m presuming) like fishes in the sea. An I had a cold soar in my lip through my entire trip in Scotland, gloomy yes. but honestly- a real breather for me.
You see it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do- he is not mine and that's just the honest truth. And above all things he needs his space- and as his friend I will let him have it that way. Do I feel a little jealousy, yes, but do I wish that things went back to be the same.. when confusion hadn't caused anger and swepped him away? No. You see neither of us would have been happy for long that way. Sometimes things need to take their turns in order for us to find our way. And whatever it is I wish that both of us will be truly happy some day.
I deserve more then what he can give me today, and to try to fit in to a box I've outgrown, I won't settle (and loose my happiness) for that mistake.
Besides, I have so many things just handed on my plate, I think it all came down at the exact time for a reason, and so I`m sure. I will find my way.
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